Chapter 2 – To Thine Own Self Be True

The concept of surrendering yourself to Christ can be frightening. Certainly, it sounds scary on the surface. What, exactly, does this mean?

I think failure to understand this basic concept is why you see so many “phony” Christians. It’s why you run across so many people that say “Bless You!” and then stab you in the back. It’s why you see hard-sell evangelism knocking on your door, pressuring you to fit into the mold of the “perfect Christian” and saying you aren’t “right” unless you fit the criteria. It’s why there’s so much false piety and so many false prophets watering down the faith and giving Christianity a bad name. And it really pisses me off.

I once read that the account of Daniel in The Bible was toned down drastically from the man’s true personality. It turns out that Daniel was actually a rather bold man that wasn’t afraid to resort to drastic measures to get to his point, but the writer’s of this book toned it down, because they feared that Daniel’s boldness wouldn’t appear pious enough for believers to take seriously. That’s a shame, and if it’s true then Jewish and Christians have been terribly cheated out of knowing the truth about a great figure of our faith. Is it true? I don’t know, but in a way, it makes sense. A person that walked out of a burning furnace and a lions den unharmed and then saw end time prophesey is no meek whimp, and that’s certainly not stuff for the faint of heart. Maybe we wouldn’t have a problem with the lions in God’s kingdom if the accounts of past heroes hasn’t been diluted to death for the sake of piety.

Be that as it may, it is what it is, and we’re left with the question of what surrendering your will really means. Does it mean that we, like these historical accounts, must tone ourselves down and force ourselves into a mold? Absolutely not. If God wanted everybody to be the same, He would have made us clones. Rather, I believe surrender means accepting that you are a unique creation, and finding ways to use what you’ve got for good.

As human beings, we’re far too scared of ourselves. We’re scared of not fitting in and being accepted. Yes, sociology tells us that in order to survive then we must find ways to adapt to groups and live in communities. This is as God intended, but I believe we’ve taken “accepted” way too far. Living in community doesn’t mean fitting into cliques or blindly following a crowd. It means lending your unique knowledge, skills, and abilities to the greater good of all. You do no favors to yourself or anybody else if you sacrifice your authencity to the point of diluting your gifts just for the sake of being liked. That’s ridiculous, and it’s stupid. Yes, I’m getting in your face about this. Different isn’t bad. You just need to learn how you are different (because we all are in some way, whether we like it or not) and how that’s supposed to fit into the big picture.

Surrendering your will means you lay yourself at the Lord’s feet and ask to be molded into His image. And you might be surprised to find that most of the work is already done. He did, after all, make you. Laying down simply means taking stock of what you’ve got, and letting Him show you how to best use it. How do you do this?

Know Your Strengths

One thing I like to tell people is that we’re all some kind of smart and some kind of stupid. Nobody’s good at everything, but everybody’s good at something. What are some of the things you do best, things that people seem to be impressed by? This isn’t the place to play shy. Think about 3-5 things you’re a natural at, things that you do with ease. For example, I’m extremely organized. I mean, organized to the point that if something the opposite of extreme hording were classified as an illness, I’d have it. People usually go between commending me for how neat and organized I am to wailing about how they can’t find anything because they don’t understand how I file and store things. The reason for this, I discovered through meditation and prayer, is because I’m good at seeing patterns. I can find a pattern in anything, even human behavior (I imagine the psychology degree helps). I think the reason I like Game of Thrones so much is because it’s the only thing on television that really surprises me because the author really has a talent for the hidden. I can see how things work and often figure out where they’re going. Sure, I get surprised by the unexpected occasionally. But that’s rare because patterns are patterns, and it’s human nature to stay in them.

We all have one or two things that we’re great at, and it’s a no-brainer to find them. Where the work usually comes in is at the mid-level tasks, the things we’re ok at and could probably get better if we try. This is where most things fall, and this is where some prayer and meditation come into play to figure out which of these we need to build to better talents and which is alright to let go of. This is where it can get confusing, because there’s so much in the world that we can literally become overwhelmed with all the possibilities in front of us.

I once read a suggestion that a good way to take stock is to rate the things you do on a scale of 1-10: 1 means you suck at it, and 10 means you’re awesome. Things on this scale can usually be improved an average of 2 points with dedication and practice, so that gives you a range of reference. If you’re a 5 or above, you can get pretty good at something if you want to dedicate the time and effort to it. Below a 5, and it’s probably not worth your time to worry about. Here are a few examples for me:

Writing is something I’ve always enjoyed. I was drawing in my picture books to expand on the stories before I knew how to read and write. However, love a talent does not make, and throughout school I figure I was a 6 on writing – better than average, but not knocking it out of the park. I never got anything published in my high school literary magazine, and my writing was always received politely but not with overwhelming praise in English classes. When my husband and I got a computer in 2001, I realized that I still had a love for writing, and I wanted to improve on it. I started writing, studying up on writing, and refreshing myself on grammar, spelling, and vocabulary. I did get my first book published in 2004, but still had a way to go before I was at a point where I got published regularly. In 2011, after years of still studying, still working, and advice from people in the industry, I finally got not one but 2 publication offers from epublishers, and it’s been going ever since. I still work on my writing regularly to keep my skill up, but hopefully I’m up to an 8 by now.

Cooking, on the other hand, is another issue. I was probably a 3 on this scale when I first got married, and this is kind because there were some things that even the feral cats refused to eat. In my humble first years of marriage, I tried so hard to become a better cook. I read cookbooks, looked things up on the Internet, and tried recipes on the weekends when I had time to “experiment.” All I got for my efforts was more food the ferals wouldn’t touch and frustration. The problem was that I didn’t really enjoy cooking, and was really caving in to social pressure to become a better cook. See, in the south being a bad cook is akin to losing a limb. Everything is still centered in the kitchen. After a while, I realized that if I cooked well enough to feed myself and my husband, then it was alright. Not everybody is destined to win the prizes at potlucks and publish recipes. I was better off spending my time keeping the house clean and organized (which I’m definitely a 10 at) and working on my writing (8 and building) than worrying about cooking. I have probably gotten up to a 4 on the cooking scale by now. Nobody asks me to contribute to the sick, bereaved, or potlucks, but at least the feral animals do eat it now.

Nobody is supposed to everything, but everybody can do something. Take some time to take stock at what you’re good at and what you’d like to get better at. This is the first step of surrendering will. It’s not so much giving up as it is deciding what to take up, and what to lay aside.

Know Your Weaknesses

By weaknesses, I don’t necessarily mean what you’re bad it (like cooking). This is more about seeing the flip side of your strengths, and where they leave you vulnerable to attack by the devil. The problem with talent is that it can be made a liability, and surrendering your will means knowing where the chinks in your armor are.

I mentioned above that I’m an extremely organized person, because I tend to see patterns in everything. This is good in many practical terms, but it also gives rise to some not-so-pleasant things. Being organized and seeing patterns means I’m a logical person, which isn’t a trait you see often in women. I usually find myself at odds with emotional people, and I get frustrated with people that don’t seem to understand things as quickly as I see them. Simply stated, I have a pride problem. Seeing things in my head as I do, I like to work independently and don’t like for people to question, correct, or boss me around. I’m leery of authority and am quite often on the offensive. It makes me prone to anger, which I know isn’t something I’m supposed to give way to.

We all have issues that we struggle with, and usually they can be tied back to the seven deadly sins: pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed, and sloth. I identified pride and anger as issues I deal with. Once you know what you’re up against, it’s easier to figure out how to fend off the devil in these areas.

I said above that our strengths can be turned to weakness, and this certainly explains my pride problem. But what about the anger? Well, another way our weaknesses can arise is through seeming “contradictions” in personality. We all have something about ourself that doesn’t seen to quite fit in right, and it can be confusing to deal with. If unresolved, it can cause internal conflict that leads to a weakness.

I’m a borderline introvert/extrovert. Of all the personality traits to be in the middle ground of, this is probably the worst because a person’s inclination in this area is a major determinant of personality. What this means for me is that social situations are unpredictable, because I don’t know which side of the spectrum I’ll be on in any given situation. It also means I have difficulty forming relationships, because people don’t quite know how to take me. I may be extremely talkative when we meet, and then clam up the next time we meet. I’m usually fine once I get out of my shell and get comfortable with people, but unfortunately impressions form fast and most people don’t have time for that – they make a quick judgment and move on. I believe this is a major contributor to my anger issues because I get frustrated with people often over the lack of patience and understanding of this see-saw trait. Sometimes I don’t get myself, and that leads to more frustration! As I recently told Rick, it seems to be a vicious cycle: I come out of my shell and talk to people, they get too comfortable and act like jerks, I wish I never wasted my time, and back into the shell I go. You can see how this becomes a vicious cycle of frustration that can lead to anger issues that arise over and over again.

I only recently came to realize that this could actually be a gift, because I can relate to both introverts and extroverts, and every situation is a new adventure for me. It also makes me a better writer, because I can write from both viewpoints, and the promotional aspect of publication is good for drawing me out at times when I retreated into myself too much, and I need to venture back out into the world. Realizing this is helping me to better understand what leads to my frustrations in getting along with others, and hopefully I’ll continue to make progress in this area. Who knows, I may learn to play well with others all the time yet. Or at least most of the time.

Vice and virtue are often flip sides of the same coin, so it’s important to be mindful of where you’re at and what you’re manifesting to the world. Is it light, or the less swell parts of yourself? Balance is a constant and ongoing issue that we must be attentive to at all times when dealing with our strongest and weakest points.

Interests/Goals

Another part of surrendering yourself is to take stock of your interests and life goals. God puts things into our hearts as ways to manifest our gifts and talents to the world. We’re naturally inclined to people and things that are in alignment with who we are and the purpose we can serve in the world. Unfortunately, the world also has it’s own ideas of how we can serve it best, and this usually isn’t in our best interests – in fact, it can be to our detriment, because it serves others 100% and us none. People talk a lot, and they’re usually better at telling us what’s best for us and what we should be doing than they are at figuring out their own purpose! The problem is that they have no way of knowing what’s in our heart, and they usually don’t care as  long as they get what they want. One thing is for certain: the world isn’t going to look out for you, but God will. That’s why it’s important to guard our heart and our will against outside interference.

I remember that I suffered from discouragement shortly after I turned 30, because I felt stuck in a rut and didn’t know how to get out. It felt like my life had stalled out, and I wasn’t making any progress. After prayer and meditation, I came to the shocking realization that I had been perfectly happy with my life until people started yakking at me about “well, you’re 30 now, so isn’t it time to make things happen? Are you really staying in that same old house/car/job?” I was shocked, because I’m not the type that’s usually influenced by others (in fact, if everybody else is doing it, then that’s usually reason enough for me to stop and think about whether it’s really a good idea, or just being stupid and following the crowd). Furthermore, I was appalled by the fact that people thought I should presume to take God’s place and demand that things happen just because I hit a “certain age.” A look around confirmed that many of these people with their big talk actually wound out in bad situations and circumstances from forcing things in their lives instead of patiently waiting for the right timing, and were scrambling to hold on to them or work things out. To me, it wasn’t worth it. I’m glad I refused to lose my patience and waited too, because sure enough, things started moving in time, and it lasted. I certainly suffered less failure than others who charged ahead because the turning of a calendar page told them to do it. I’m interested to see if this big talk starts again when I turn 40. Keep an eye on my blog. I’ll let you know if it does, and we’ll have some fun with it.

You have to be so careful of what you take into your mind. The only way to know what the Lord has put on your heart is to withdraw into quiet time with Him and discern it through the Holy Spirit speaking through your intuition. As I once heard someone say, just because you can do something doesn’t mean you’re supposed to do it. That’s to true. I remember many years ago when I agreed to do some low-level accounting work because I’m good with math and numbers. I actually did it under the “encouragement” of others who said it would be good at me, but in reality needed one more body in that office counting beans and crunching numbers. I hated it, and unfortunately it was a mistake I spent six years paying for. I still thank God for ending that season of my life, and beseech him to keep that door securely closed, locked, and bolted. Writing and administrative work definitely suit my talents and interests better, and I’m happy doing these things because they’re in my heart.

Surrendering your will is really a sifting process for separating what God put in your heart from worldly expectations. He doesn’t want you to give up anything but what doesn’t fit, and that usually leads to a great deal of relief and joy. In the end, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

Common Threads

Surrendering yourself to the Lord really is a process of getting to know yourself and appreciate what makes you unique. It’s about finding your authentic self and exploring ways to bless the world as only you can. The common threads of strength, weakness, interests, and goals make your soul unique, and the process of surrender unlocks your gifts.

Don’t see surrender as a sacrifice, but rather as a process of self-discovery. In doing it, you aren’t just being a disciple of Christ; you’re also being the best “you” possible, and radiating light into the world. And who doesn’t want to shine? 

While most people are in the "making resolutions" stage, I prefer to use the end of the year to take a look back at what I've learned and accomplished, and to decide how to move forward. I believe resolutions are more effective if we consider what we want to do with what we have rather than blindly shooting darts at a random goal. After all, we have an entire life, and our resolutions are more likely to stick if they're things that serve many aspects of it. So without further ado, let me share that during 2012 I have learned:

1. More about the legislative process than I ever imagined possible - or even wanted to know. My work move in 2010 was a result of changes to the law governing the landscape architect and soil classifiers programs that I worked with. I got a crash course in bills becoming laws that year and believe me, the old "School House Rock" on how a bill becomes a law didn't even scratch the surface! Once the move was done, I still had to assist with getting regulations passed to go with that new law - a process that crossed over two sessions due to some oversights in the statute for the soil classifiers. Over the past 3 legislative sessions I've sat in more legislative subcommittee and committee meetings than I can count - including that fateful meeting in May 2011 when the cemetery regulations were on the agenda before mine and I also got a crash course education in things that can go wrong with burials that curbed my appetite for a few days and scarred my poor mind forever (note to self: dying is disgusting). It's not easy. In fact, it's slow, and snafus and roadblocks can pop up when you least expect it (think my "life is like a jack-in-the box analogy). You have to have a pound of patience and a ton of flexibility. But boy have I learned a lot now, and I have a new respect (or rather, understanding and better knowledtge) of what's happening in the State House. Thankfully, everything has been updated for both programs, and now they're all up to date. Barring any unexpected changes from the inside or other sourses outside the Boards, we will hopefully be ok.

What I'll do with this knowledge: As it turns out, the architects are updating their regulations and the engineers are considering updates to their statute. Those are bigger programs, so my "hands on" assistance won't be needed as much as it was for the smaller programs I worked with, but I will track their documents through the process and do whatever I can to help.

2. More about writing and publishing than I thought possible. This all started with a power resolution I made in 2011 to do everything possible to improve as a writer and to get myself published again by going "outside of the box." I brushed up on my grammer rules, revised my work, and decided to give e-publishing one more try (I had a contract to e-publish Quarantine in 2009, but the company broke the contract and filed for bankruptcy before it went to print). It worked - I got contracts for Blurry and Anywhere  But Here, and they've both been published. This year, I added educating myself on publicity and promotional opportunities for my published works, and I decided to work in the areas of keeping a strong online presence and pursuing book reviews and author interviews. I also signed a contract for Splinter, the National Novel Writing Month book I wrote in 2010, and started another mystery novel and another non-fiction book for bird owners this year.

What I'll do with this knowledge: First and foremost is to finish Move and Feathered Frenzy,to work with Whiskey Creek Press on Splinter when they're ready to take it into pre-production, and to promote it like crazy when it's published. I'd also like to expand on a couple of projects that will serve in the promotion and the writing more and writing better categories: I'd like to get back into writing articles, short stories, and novellas. Shorter works are a bit more of a challenge for me because I'm a novelist at heart, but the fact is that I need to have new material to release more regularly than is possible to do with a novel, and the only way to do that is to delve into shorter markets. I'm already working on some articles, and once I get Move and Feathered Frenzy done, I'd like to brush up on my skills with the shorter stuff and see what I can get out there.

3. I flew! I did it twice, actually. My job started to require me to travel to the landscape architect conferences, so I made trips to Miami and San Francisco last year. That was a new experience for me, but not as bad as I thought. Actually, I was fortunate that my flights went well and I don't mind flying at all. This educated me in so many ways. I learned that I can travel with two carry-on bags and less than I  imagined possible. I learned that it's not terribly difficult to find your way around an airport, and that Charlotte really is reasonable and easy to get around. I learned that although I love ebooks, paperbacks are really a better way to go with reading material since you have to turn off electronics so much. I learned that if you're nice to the stewardess, they'll give you the bag of pretzels that aren't all broken and crunched up. I learned that Miami International Airport is about a million square miles, and I think I walked every bit of it - but Salt Lake City is like Walmart on Christmas Eve, and located in what looks like a crater to boot, so there are different kinds of suffering. I learned that taxi drivers can scare the hell out of you. And I learned that turbulence is really a "come to Jesus" moment in a patch of rough airspace over Kansas. And yes, I've seen places I probably wouldn't have gone before. I mean, San Francisco? I had never been on the west coast,in a different time zone, or put up in a five star hotel (albeit business class)  before that. It was something.

What I'll do with what I learned: Become more travel savvy, whether I planned to or not. And next up is Scottsdale, Arizona.

4. Smartphones don't make you smarter, but they sure help you look smarter. Rick and I finally got iPhones last January, and I'm so glad we did. For all the people that say "how can a phone make you smarter?" I say in about a zillion ways. I can keep up with things. I can be reached just about anywhere (unless I'm on a flight). I can keep my schedule, make lists, check news and weather, and set reminders. Heck, the only things it won't do are clean the house, clean the bird cages, cook my meals, and rake the yard. But it's the 21st century. Who knows? Rosie the Robot maid might come about in my lifetime yet.

What I'll do with what I learned: Thank God that I live in an era of computers and smartphones to make life easier and keep using them to the fullest advantage!

5. Balance in life is a personal responsibility, and sometimes you must make hard choices to maintain it.  There are only so many hours in a day, and it's impossible to do everything you want to do. With personal responsibilities and the relationships in our lives, we often have to choose what we like best, do that, and drop other things.  This really hit me when I quit the evangelism committee at church in October. I didn't want to do it, but frankly I'd felt the nagging in my spirit that my life was too full and I needed to let go of some things to focus on what was growing in my life. Rick and I are fortunate to have a good marriage, our birds, all of our parents alive, our families, good, stable jobs, and our home. Rick does some website design here and there, and my writing is continuing to build and grow. We have some excellent friends that we're in contact with. Unfortunately - that's all we have time for. The time we had for volunteer activities has filled up with other things growing, and we both had to accept that it was time to let the volunteering go, for a while at least. His term on council just ended and it's obvious that we need to take a break to nurture the things that are most important and tend to the biggest responsibilities that the Lord has laid  before us. Life does change, so it's inevitable that this season will pass and perhaps we'll have time to resume the volunteer activities. But for now, we've decided that we want to dedicate ourselves to and fully appreciate the blessings we have at hand without overcommitting ourselves to secondary or perphiery endeavors.

What I'll do with what I've learned: This sounds like it's coming out of left field, but pondering this discovery inspired me to make getting on the treadmill regularly a part of my life again. I believe we've made good decisions to keep a balance of our responsibilities and relationships in order, but balance is a holistic thing, and it occured to me that while my priorities are in order, I'm still stressed out because I'm not physically in order. I sit behind a desk at my job, then come home and sit behind a computer to write. I need to get more physically active, and the best way to do that is to get on that treadmill sitting in the computer room upstairs. I felt better, got sick less, and actually was less stressed and had better ideas for my writing when I was walking regularly. So I'm expanding the balance issue to my body as well as my mind and soul by getting back on the treadmill and integrating exercise into my life again.

6. Breaking Bad and Arrow are awesome shows. OMG! If you aren't watching these shows, you should be. Thanks so much to whoever it was that suggested Breaking Bad to Rick. We caught up on that show through Netflix and it's addictive! And Arrow, the new CW show based on The Green Arrow, has surprised me by hitting the ground running right in it's first season. I don't watch much TV (in fact, Supernatural is the only other show I do watch, and it's much better this season too), but these are worth checking out. Arrow and Supernatural come on The CW Wednesday nights at 8 and 9. Breaking Bad is a summer show that comes on AMC. Unfortunately, we don't get AMC through Dish TV, so we'll have to make arrangements to buy the 2013 season through our iTunes account and catch the episodes as they're released.

7. Skimping on sleep is counterproductive. I had a bad habit of staying up late to work on my writing, then getting up early for work the next day. It used to not bother me but, well, I'm not in my 20's anymore and skimping on sleep plus increasing job duties = bad idea. When Rick and I changed our work schedules in August, we decided that we needed to be serious about getting to sleep on time and getting a full night's rest so we could focus and be at our best the next day. So no more late nights for me. And you know what? I've actually been MORE productive since then, because I find I plan and utilize my time better (for example, I can do some pretty good writing and editing on my lunch hour if I take my laptop to work).

8. Transitions are tough, but once you've been hit with so many, you get numb. I learned this when our church lost our head pastor and associate pastor within a month earlier this year. Did it hurt? Yea, like hell. But I was amazed at how people seemed traumatized by it. At first I thought wow, that's selfish. Don't you want them to move ahead and better themselves? It's unfortunate they both left, but I couldn't begrudge either of them taking new opportunities and frankly, pastors are always going to move on eventually. Then it hit me: No, that's not it. It's just that after my life got smashed to smithereens in 2010 and I had to completely reconstruct it, losing two pastors was barely a blip on my radar. Other people hadn't seen the massive changes in their own lives that I'd just gone through, so this WAS major to them. And while we have certainly had to find new pastors plenty of times, it had been a while so frankly, we as a congregation were settled in and since we didn't see it coming, it was a shock to many. But to me shocks and adjustments had been a way of life for a while.

What I'll do with this knowledge: This was a good reminder of the concept of grace and of realizing that perspective is a personal thing. We all come from different places, and I believe this is a good illustration of how your experiences color your perception. Frankly, I'm still pondering this realization and what it means to me, and I really don't want to rush it because I think it's one that needs to sink in and grow strong roots in my own mind. But I think it's a good thing because one thing I already see is that we all handle things differently, and we need to be patient with one another and work together to help others and move forward. Where they are weak, we might be strong and where we are weak they might be strong. Working together, we can come through with a greater overall perspective. And it's a good lesson of faith too, as we work, wait, and look for a new leader for us.

I'm sure there are many more discoveries I've made during the year, but these are the big ones that spoke to me and are guiding me into my future. I hope that you'll also take some time to take stock and forge ahead into the new year using the confidence and wisdom you've gained through your experiences to keep moving ahead and making a better life, each and every day.

In closing, I believe today's benediction at church was a wonderful and beautiful sentiment that I wish all of you for the new year, and beyond:

"May you be filled with the wonder of Mary, the obedience of Joseph, the joy of the angels, the eagerness of the shepherds, the determination of the magi, and the peace of the Christ child. Almighty God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirigt bless you now and forever."

Amen. Bless you friends.I wish you all joy, peace, prosperity, and happiness and thank you for being there to listen, help and support me.

Happy New Year!