Category: Balance

Final Thoughts on Balance

2/9/2013

I'd like to close this blog series/musings on balance with a few closing with one important, final point. Our lives consist of many elements and the times when everything is in perfect order will be rare. As the old saying goes, "it's always something." One area will get worked out, and something will go out of whack in another area. It's not bum luck, or life being out to get you. It's just the nature of reality. As much as we strive to get things in order, we also must accept the contradiction that there will almost certainly be some level of chaos in life.

I know this seems to fly in the face of my musings over the past month, but it's a truth that must be faced. The good news is that if you do your best to set boundaries and do what's right, then you can handle the inevitable kinks in your well laid plans. Life is always going to throw new challenges at you, but you can meet them if you've gained self confidence through knowing yourself and your life well enough to seek the opportunity in challenges and find ways to incorporate those benefits into what you have.

It also takes acknowledging the very fact that life is a series of ebbs and flows. It's like a pendulum swinging - things will always go up and down, over and over - and you may be at one state in one area and a completely different state in another area. Take my life, for example. My family, home and health are rolling right along (thank God), but my job is absolutely insane right now. Current and coming staff changes have caused my workload to explode. But you know what? I've been here before, and I know I can make it through. The vacancies will be filled, new people will be trained, and this too shall pass. Plus, I'm fortunate to work with good people in a great place, and they help and support me as much as they can. Sure, it can be tough to face the day when you know it's an avalanche of chaos heading right for you, but I've faced times like this before and have learned that I can only do my best and it will have to be good enough because it's all I have to offer. I had to learn to be happy with that.

You also have to learn not to let the expectations of others bother you too much. Although it's not an issue now (as I said, I have good co-workers), I have been in situations where people thought I wasn't "doing enough" or "doing good enough" and felt they had to express their bitter disappointment in me - frequently and loudly. In fact, my last "challenging season" was full of people grouching at me for one reason or another. I had to learn to tell them to accept my best or buzz off. And of course, they came back to try again, but after being stonewalled with that response 2 or 3 times, they got frustrated enough to realize that I wasn't going to solve their problems and they'd just have to do it themselves. But I credit them for being some of the inspiration for Splinter so heh heh heh - be careful ticking off a writer, for you might inspire their muse.

Joking aside, it's an important point. One key factor in keeping balance is knowing how much you can do, and not trying to do it. Accept your best and mind your own business. Help where you can, but realize limits. Don't overstep your bounds. And for the love of God, accept reality. That's #1. Too many people spend great amounts of time and energy trying to force things to happen that shouldn't be, or forcing people to serve roles in their life that they aren't meant to serve. It's an exercise in frustration, but it's an exercise many people seem to enjoy. You have to step back, take a good, hard look at your life every now and then, and make adjustments. We all get out of order from time to time, especially when those mountains pop up before us. It's all too easy to let one or two things take over your life and mind. Don't permit that to happen. If you start to feel like something's taking a bigger place in your life than it should, find out how the encroachment happened and fix it. Sure, there are times when emergencies or whatnot require us to put our priorities or desires on the back burner, but they should be temporary. If it becomes a lifestyle, you've allowed something to get far out of balance and it needs to be corrected - quickly and efficiently. But be forewarned: when somebody or something creeps in the center of your life then be ready for a fight, because they aren't giving up that space lightly. But it's a fight that must be had, and won.

Balance is probably the most important factor in living a life that's happy, healthy, and productive. Frankly, you can't find success without it. And while it's a continual work in progress, it's work that's integral to living well and necessary to living right.

That's all today. Take care and have a good weekend.

Bye!

Let it Be (or Mind Your Own Business!)

1/4/2013

As we head into a new year, I ponder my resolution to have better balance in my life on a number of levels. One of those (very important) levels is in the area of stress reduction and reducing worry in my life. I think these are things we all struggle with, and recently I've come to realize there's a great deal that we impose on ourselves, especially when it comes to our relationships.

This realization came after having several people tell me things that other people said and/or did over the past few weeks and asked what I thought of it. I remembered that when I was under a therapist while going through my life changes a few years ago, one of the things she told me was that the secret to finding balance was realizing what was and wasn't my business. "You concern yourself with your responsibilities and what you control and let go of the things in the hands of others," she said. That's certainly true, and in fact remembering this advice upon being asked my opinion on these various situations and issues made me realize that people, in general, bring on a lot of their own stress by worrying about or fretting over things that other people think, say or do - things they have absolutely no control over.

Why do we do this? My first reaction was that it's arrogance. Frankly, we all have a tendency to beleive that everything is all about us - and that's wrong. The truth is that everything people think, say and do is all about THEM. It's a reflection of how they see the world. Even if they say that "others made me do it," the truth is that they made the decision on how to perceive things and on how to proceed. Nobody "makes" anybody do anything. Plus, by nature, people are going to do what's best for them and the ones closest to them. Why should they do something that benefits you 100% and them none at all when you aren't the center of THEIR world?

So there's one reason, but I don't think that's all of it, nor the major portion. In fact, I think if that were the whole reason, then it would mean that people in general are extremely selfish and short sighted, and I don't believe that such a narrow view applies to most people most of the time. Some maybe, but absolutely not all. Maybe not most. And remember, I said there's some truth to this. Maybe it's a small part, but I don't think that's a "once size fits all" explanation for it. Most people learn, grow, and gain a wider perspective on the world and as such, they aren't so shallow.

I believe another reason is that we want everybody to like us. The problem is, I recently read that there was actually some scientific study that at least 10% of people aren't going to like you. Frankly, I was surprised the percentage was that low. I thought it would be closer to 30%, but the latest study I read said 10% so we'll run with that. Why is this? Plain and simple, personality differences. Some types just don't play well together. If you don't believe it, ask any extremely emotional person I've come in contact with and they'll tell you I'm mean and don't give a crap about their feelings. I am, by nature, a person that leans more toward logic and reason in making decisions than emotion. I usually don't get along well with extremely emotional types that "just want peace" and "want everybody happy right now" because I beleive happiness comes from investing the time and hard work to do things right no matter how you feel about it "right now." If you do what's right, then it will work out in the end, and that's a happiness that last; not a vapor of high emotion that wears off when the party is over and the consequences have to be paid. In fact, since I've been working in professional licensing, I'd say my tendency to make decisions based on logic and reason have become a stronger because by nature of my profession, I'm obligated to do what's right no matter how people feel about it. I don't think that's a bad thing (of course), but I've caught some flack about it because I'm female, and by stereotype I'm supposed to be all about feelings. While I'm ok to say "alright, forget the 10% and thank God for and enjoy the other 90%, well, some people get awfully fixated on that 10% and believe that if they work harder then they can get a 100% approval rating. It seems their effort would be better spent nurturing relationships with the other 90% but in fact, sometimes they turn on the ones on their side to gain approval they'll never have, counting on forgiveness from that 90% that might come, but not realizing that it will have a higher price than they bargained for because broken trust is a very hard thing to rebuild. But it happens, all the time. I've experienced it; I've seen it; I've written about it. Hey, I'm a writer. The ugly underside of humanity is a playground of inspiration. Expose it to me at your own risk.

Just kidding - maybe. And a sidenote on the emotion thing: I'm interested to see if the stereotype of "hysterical emotion" in women downplays as more generations of women have careers.Working women don't have time to fret over every little wayward comment, rolled eye, questionable social media post, tear or tirade that comes their way. Or at least, me and my colleagues don't. But we'll see as time tells this particular tale.

So there's that. But not all people are emotional and out for approval ratings that would make politicians jealous, so reason #2 can't apply to everybody. But it does apply to enough that I believe it should be considered.

There is one more reason, and I think it applies to most of us. I believe the reason people get tied up in what others think, say and do is because they don't want to be alone in how they think or feel. They want to know that others agree with them. They want others to have an opinion with them, or to get mad with them, or to be sad with them, or to take up the cause with them because they don't want to be the only freak swimming against the tide. They want to know they're like everybody else and what the other person is doing is wild/selfish/stupid/crazy/nonsense/whatever. They don't want to be alone in their opinion or feelings because they don't want to look in the mirror and ask "is it them, or is it me?" We all want to be right. We all want the world to understand that our opinion is just as important as everybody elses'. We all want respect. Nobody wants to be a nobody. They want people to know that they're here, that they have value, and that they are just as important as the other 7+ billion people in the world.

Here's the thing, though: Going about it by getting tangled up in other peoples' business is a sign of insecurity. If you truly walk in faith and you're confident in yourself as the authentic human being you were created to be, then you don't need to beg or scream for attention. You humbly go about your own business, believing that the life God set before and the purposes you serve speak for themselves.

That's the cure. That's how you break free from this stress. You get busy living your own life and tending to your own businss and have the grace to accept others and the decisions they make without intruding into their lives with your opinions.

Does this mean you ignore others and don't care what they do? Of course not. You should always do your best to help people in need and if there's something you can do to help others on their life path, you certainly should. The key is to use common sense and discernment. Yes, we all have opinions on things, but we don't need to share them all the time. Everything that flies through your head doesn't need to fly out of your mouth. If you aren't asked for your opinion or advice, assume it's not wanted or needed and keep it to yourself. I'd even go so far as to say that you should still use caution in giving advice even if you ARE asked for it. As one of the elves said in The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring, "elves don't give advice because all paths may run ill." Think before you speak. If in doubt, don't. And realize that advice is a take it or leave it thing - and in many cases, people leave it, so be prepared to have your advice or opinion rejected just in case and be prepared to not get offended. And please, for the love of God, if it won't make any difference and you have a thought - don't. Stop right there and go no further. If it's done and/or there's no way it's changing no matter what anybody says and you really need to get it out, set up a private blog or buy a journal to work it out, but don't go off on tirades and complain to everybody in the world about things you can't control involving people close to you. And don't ask or expect people to take sides with you unless you want to do the equivalent of renting a billboard that says I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. It makes you look bad and it makes other people run like hell from you when they see you coming. If it's something so big that you can't live with it, find a way to either deal with it or distance yourself from the situation. Just because a war's going on doesn't mean you have to be a soldier in it. Other people might want you to have their problems, but they can't draft you. You don't have to accept them and if you choose not to accept their problems, well then, it's over.

The point of this mile long blog is that I'm coming to understand that balance is something that we have to strive for in every area of life, and personal relationships are certainly a big element there. We do live in the world, with people, so having good, balanced relationships is an extremely important thing. And one way we can achieve balance in our relationships is by not being a busybody, minding our own business, and having the grace to let it be.

Thanks for hanging in there with me on this one. I hope you had a Happy Friday and that you have a great weekend.

Bye!

Who Needs a Holiday Detox?

12/27/2012

What is holiday detox, you ask? Well readers, it's that period immediately following Christmas when you're so tired and burned out that you can't motivate yourself to do anything. The house is a mess and you don't care. The "to do" list is growing, and you say to hell with it. You're worn out from celebrating with all the family, food, fun, presents, and to do of the holidays and you want to hibernate in bed for, oh, the rest of the winter to recover.

Be honest, who's there? Has anybody else had a wee bit of a problem motivating themselves to do things they don't want to do?

I know I am. I'm Christmased out. The holidays are nice, but it's time for them to move along out of here. I fully believe that the days between Christmas and New Year's Day are a time when the world needs to back off and let us be lazy, just for a little while. We need some time to ourselves before we get back to the grind. We need a break to rest and recuperate from the heavy activity of the holidays. We need to drop out for a while and tend to our own wants and needs. And that's not a bad thing. In fact, we probably need it more often than just post-holidays. We need to take time to ourselves regularly. If we work ourselves to death, we'll eventually break down and then we won't be good to anybody.

I think that's one good resolution to make for the new year - to take more time out for yourself. I know a lot of people would say that's selfish and rude, but I'd counter that those accusers aren't truly in touch with themselves and need to take this opportunity to get in balance themselves. (Or they're selfish jerks that think everybody in the world should be their handservant and their attitude needs correcting - but that's one for another entry.) If there's one truth I've seen this holiday season, it's that the world isn't going to give you a break. It will work you to death and wear you down to nothing. It's our responsibility to keep life in balance, and to work things out for the best. We have to be aware of what's going on and what we have, and to stay alert and in balance. To do that, it's necessary for us to say "no" to the demands of the world every now and then and tend to our personal needs. The best way to do that is to take regular time outs. And the world won't give them to us, so we have to take them. I say resolution #1 is to take what we need to be our best, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Block out time to yourself that's not open to anybody. Setting boundaries isn't wrong. In fact, it's the only way to achieve confidence and to have balance in your life.

So go ahead and take a break - God knows, you need it. And make that a habit in the future, while you're at it. ;)

That's all today. I hope you have a great week.

Bye!

Final Thoughts on Balance

Let it Be (or Mind Your Own Business!)

Who Needs a Holiday Detox?

Escape Reality

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