Category: Frustration

The Best Advice That Some People Wish I Wouldn't Give You

5/23/2013

What a week it’s been! I’ve talked to a lot of people, and it seems that a lot of them are struggling with issues of a lack of cooperation, direction, and kindness. Nerves are frayed and peoples’ patience is coming to the very last nerve.

I know, I share some of these frustrations. It’s certainly been a tough week. One thing you must realize; however, is that sometimes, the best way to deal with wrong is to do what’s right. And so, since it’s been a tough one for so many of us this
week, I’d like to use this entry to share some of the best advice I’ve received. It’s from a number of sources – family, friends, doctors, professors, and even online postings that I like to call “Twitterisms.” So read on for hope on how to weather the storm and come out better on the other end. But let me warn you ahead of time: Some people aren’t going to appreciate that you’ve been told this. Let’s just say that this advice doesn’t sit well with those that have, shall we say, less than pure motives. That being said, this advice will lead to better endings, but it might not make you the most popular person around – so the decision between what’s right and what’s popular comes into play.

And so, without further ado, here we go:

1.  When I got married and moved out of my parents home (I married shortly after graduating college), Mom asked Dad to give me some advice for going “out there in the world.” His advice: Don’t do stupid things, and don’t listen to people that are doing stupid things. Mom thought that was woefully inadequate to send me out into the world with, but I’ve found that covers a lot of ground over the past 15 years. I daresay, that’s better advice than Winston Churchill’s commencement speech about never giving up. Just use your noodle, folks. It’s that simple. And as an ancillary to this advice, I’d add: If somebody prefaces a statement with “If I were you,” turn them off immediately. That’s the #1 indicator that they don’t know what they’re talking about and are about to suggest that you do something that they’d never do themselves. People with experience share what they learned with you. Troublemakers tell you to do what they wish they were bold enough to do but know darn well is extreme and would cause more trouble. And wise people listen.

2.  My granddaddy passed away over 20 years ago, but he used to regularly give me advice that is the only thing I’ve found come to pass with a 100% accuracy rate. What goes around always comes around, so be very careful to do what’s right and treat people in a way you can live with later. The problem is that some people aren’t attentive to reality, and they fail to realize the “why do bad things happen to good people” whining they experience is directly tied to an earlier indiscression. Folks, I’ve said it many times over but it’s worth repeating: This is absolutely true. If you aren’t a person of faith, then consider this: The universe only has so much energy, and you can only get back what you send out. If you do bad things (reap the wind), then only bad things can come back to you (sow the whirlwind). I recently read where somebody in the ministry wrote that your duty is to do right even if everybody around you is doing wrong because in time all things are accounted for. So forget about revenge. The natural balance of life will work it out in time as long as you’re attentive to your own words, deeds and actions.

3.   Many of you know I went through some major life transitions three years ago, and during that time someone gave me this invaluable advice: When people stop listening, stop talking and start doing what you can to improve the situation. A failure to listen is a failure to cooperate, and you have a right to make your life the best it can be. And God help, if they give you the “that’s not my problem” or “do what you’ve gotta do” lines, then they just annihilated their gripe rights. Strike out on your own and
get to work making the changes that are necessary for you to thrive. And as an ancillary to this: everybody doesn’t need to know everything going on in your life. Use discernment, especially on a life improvement journey. Because sadly, not all people have your best interest at heart, and they’ll fight very hard to keep you in the handy box you’re in because it serves their interests.

4.       The same person that gave me that advice gave me another piece of advice that a lot of people wish I didn’t know, because it got them in trouble. That advice: Don’t listen to what people say. Watch what they do, because they lie with their mouth and live truth through actions. For all the “I’m so busy!” and “I meant to …” excuses, the truth is that people make time for the things that are really important to them. Open your eyes and I guarantee that you’ll be implementing some of the changes in #3 in many areas of your life. I did and let me tell you: It pissed a lot of people off, but the “housekeeping” from that period helped me to set my life right in order of my priorities, not on junk based on lies people were trying to sell me that were 100% to their benefit and 0% to mine.

5.   A doctor once told me that a great way to beat anxiety is to mind your own business. Stop getting involved in everybody’s
affairs and trying to solve their problems and run their life. God gave you a life and attending to that is your purpose. Let other people attend to their purpose. Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t help people – if you can, then you certainly should. But if it doesn’t directly involve you or have any impact on you, your home, or your life, then back off.

6. I recently read something that said “a rut is a grave without end.” I know that life goes through slow seasons and there are times when it seems you can’t get anything going, but you can’t stop pursuing change that improves your life. This quote really hit me because I went through a season of life when I did fear change, and when I was forced out of it I was surprised by
how weak I had become spiritually. It really was a slow death happening to me, and it shocked me so much that I’ve made it a point to do two things on a daily basis: Open my eyes to my reality, and boldly take advantage of every opportunity, no matter how small. Because small things lead up to big things, but it is a progression. Don’t make the mistake I did and get yourself in a place where other peoples’ decisions force you to make a change and they’re steering your ship into waters you don’t want to be in. Make sure you’re steering the ship with a destination in mind, and make appropriate course corrections along the way.

7. And in closing, a Twitterism that I read recently:  Life is heavy because of all you hang on to. Life becomes lighter with the more you let go. You simply can’t hang on to every bad thing and indiscression that happens or you’ll be a bitter, miserable person. Sometimes you have to realize that some people simply don’t know how to be decent human beings. “Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself (Proverbs 26:4). Don’t let people drag you down. Limit your contact with them, let it go as ignorance, and go on your way.

I know these tips aren’t a cure for all situations or ills, but with patience they can work to lead you to better days. So take heart in this knowledge and hang in there, knowing that this too shall pass – and it will pass much faster and easier if you walk in wisdom.

That’s all today. And now, enjoy this video. It's catchy! It's creepy! It sticks to your head and inspired Incursion.

Bye!

Happy Friday to you tomorrow and have a safe and Happy Memorial Day weekend!

Office Politics - In Fiction and Reality

10/9/2012

I’m often asked if the things that happened to Jana Lanning in my recent novel, Anywhere But Here, actually happened to me. For those of you that haven’t read this novel, Jana Lanning, the protagonist, is denied admission to graduate school, finds out her boyfriend is cheating on her, helps her best friend get married and move out of town, and has to settle for a job that she’s overqualified for – and all of this happens within two weeks of getting her undergraduate degree. Then to make things worse, the office where she works starts a merger with another firm and Jana finds herself on the wrong end of office politics that are the final straw in her battle with depression. The thing people seem the most interested in are the office politics. People want to know if the happenings at Dixon Financial are reflective of my job before it was transferred to a new agency a couple of years ago.

In response to that I’d say not entirely, but I can’t deny that some things that happened to me early in my career are reflected in people and events that take place in the book. I know that’s cryptic, but bear in mind two things: The people and events are fictionalized and that was accomplished through a mixture of my personal experiences, experiences I’ve seen and heard of from other people, and instances I’ve read about in books, magazines, news and other media. It came from a vast pool and I’ll admit that I had experience with being on the wrong end of office politics – heck, how could you write about it even from a fictionalized perspective unless you lived it in some way – but it’s also a universal issue that anybody working in an office environment is going to be on one end or the other of. And sorry folks, but there are probably going to be times when you find yourself on the wrong side, at least from the perspective of the majority.

My purpose in both writing Anywhere But Here and this entry isn’t to bash my former workplace. These things happened a decade ago, and I must admit that I said and did things that weren’t wise and didn’t lead to the best resolution in the situations I faced. I certainly learned from those experiences and in retrospect, I’m glad I learned those lessons early in life or I certainlywouldn’t be where I am now. The purpose is to share lessons learned, because this is something that I believe everybody in the workforce faces at some time. It makes you feel isolated and lonely when it happens, but the truth is that you aren’t alone. Lots of people face it but few talk about it because frankly, it’s embarrassing.

I used to think that people playing office politics were selfish jerks that like to hurt people, but experience has shown me that it actually grows from a root of fear. People that play with power are insecure and doubt their own ability, so they create an elaborate game of turning people and things to their advantage. I’ve found that there are 2 good ways to identify a person that is likely to use power to their advantage:

1.They cling tightly to cliques that are made up of people that are higher on the chain of command than they are; and

2.They don’t associate with anybody on the chain of command below them unless it’s absolutely necessary - and those people better give them what they want immediately or it’s insubordination.

It’s the people in category #2 that usually find themselves on the losing end of office politics because any wrong word or deed will be met with fierce retaliation. I won’t say that I never see office politics anymore, but I have found that I find myself in these situations a lot less since I’ve been reclassified to a mid-level position. I’d like to think this is because I’ve proven that my knowledge and abilities are valuable, but it’s more likely that I learned valuable lessons on how to deal with these types from previous experience – and people know it.

So what’s the secret to dealing when you’re the victim of office politics? If you’re right, stand by that. Don’t ever cave in and take the quick and easy way out because that’s a temporary end. If they’d turn on you once, they’ll turn on you again. Caving in only shows that you can be taken advantage of, and they will milk that dry, plus the consequences of doing wrong will follow you a lot longer than standing up for what’s right. They might not like you, but they’ll respect you and at least know not to let you catch them with their hand in the cookie jar again. If you aren’t right, correct yourself immediately and stick to your guns in walking down the right road. And whichever situation you’re in, it’s imperative that you have patience. Truth will show itself in time and it will be end game then. It might take months or even years for things to come around, but they will and you’ll be better off for it. The reward will come in patient endurance, and it will be something that nobody can deny. Sure, there are people that are so stubborn that they’ll refuse to change their mind no matter what happens, but don’t worry about them. Leave them in their ignorance and move on because it’s highly probably that they’ll be gone in time themselves.

I believe Jana Lanning in Anywhere But Here is a good personification of office politics gone wrong, because she’s the one in the weakest position. She didn’t do anything wrong and in fact suffered for doing right, but recent personal losses kept her from taking a stand in the right way and the right timing. The people that create these situations are masters at turning things against you even if you didn’t do anything wrong, and it’s exhausting to constantly defend your own character. Unfortunately, she found this out too late and suffered the consequences of crossing the wrong people simply by being who she was and not deferring to people doing things wrong. She was right and had proof of it, but she didn’t know how to present that truth in a combative work environment. That happens sometimes, and it’s awful. I think the worst offence in the world is to have to suffer for other peoples’ mistakes, and office politics are the ultimate example of that.

I think this is why eople tell me that they find Jana Lanning so likeable. She’s a good person that doesn’t deserve the hard knocks that come her way from people taking advantage of her shy nature, youth, and inexperience. She makes the same mistakes that all of us made in our early adulthood and we understand her confusion at why life is kicking her around. Reality is a hard teacher, and it’s the only one that can do the job once school leaves off. Remember the movie “St. Elmo’s Fire” from the 80’s? That strange, new world opening up is the exact thing that Jana faces, and we understand exactly where she’s coming from. She, like the rest of us, has to learn to find those gems of opportunity in the rubble of defeat to rebuild a new life from shattered dreams. In some ways, we may even relate to her right where we’re at, because life is always teaching us lessons.

So no, I didn’t start out in life exactly like Jana did. I actually did marry my college sweetheart, but I never made it to graduate school because I found other things that I believed were worth more in my life than higher education. I never struggled with depression, but I knew (and still know) many who do battle that demon, and I hope Jana’s struggle helps people with depression understand that this is a battle they can win if they stay in the fight. But yes, I did go through an office merger in my early years in the workforce, and I found myself prey to the power plays, albeit in much different circumstances. All I can say is that wisdom comes from experience, and I gained plenty in those few years.

And lest you think it’s impossible for poor Jana to face so much at one time, I call your bluff. Too much smashing my life to bits was the catalyst for my next novel, Splinter – but that’s one for a future blog entry. I’ll address it closer to the release date in mid 2013. Until then, enjoy Anywhere But Here and my other books - information on them and links to buy are on the other tabs of this website. I hope you find entertainment and inspiration in them.

That’s all today.

Bye!

Are You Gonna Just Sit There or Do Something?

3/23/2012

I don't know about you, but I get frustrated with people that complain about their life all the time, but they do absolutely nothing to change the things that they complain about. Perhaps I'm oversimplifying things, but it seems that if you're truly miserable then you'd at least try to change the situation, right?

Well, I do but it seems I'm in a minority. It seems there are a lot of people out there that are comfortable with the ruts they're in. And I wonder, maybe, if they fear what it might mean to stick their necks out and pursue a change. After all, where they are might not be a "happy place," but it's familiar. There are a lot of people that fear change, and the unknown.

I know my recent experiences have shaded my perception in this area. I used to fear change too. Yes, I was one of those complainers. My former boss found it quite amusing, in fact, But if she could see me now, she wouldn't know me. I've found nothing but change around every corner for the past 2 years. I expect it now. In fact, now if it doesn't happen then I wonder what the hell's going on because something must not be right for things to stay the same for, oh, more than a little while. It's amazing how life and reality can beat the fear right out of you, and mold you into a whole new creation. I used to say "oh no!" to change. Now I say "so what?" It's pretty normal for me. And while I won't say that I'm fearless - yes, I do feel some anxiety over the unknown - I'm not frozen by it. I've seen my faith grow in proportion to the reality of my life and find myself much more flexible and less fearful than I used to be, even 3-5 years ago.

So I suppose that explains why I'm not very patient with complainers. I've been forced to adapt with change. With changes in my job. With changes in the family. With changes at church. With changes in my friends due to these transitions and losing 3 of them to cancer. Yes, I said I lost 3 friends to cancer. That was not a typo. And all in a period of 15 months while everything else in my life was looking like a clown's juggling act too. Maybe that explains why I was disgusted with hearing somebody earlier this week complaining about something bad that happened to them years ago - like over a decade ago. I was appalled. Either they have a very thin hide or their "life pain" file is at a low level that I envy. Life hasn't hesitated to beat me with a baseball bat from time to time, so I suppose I'm not very sympathetic to the delicate souls with low emotional resilience.

Honestly, though, I do think we get used to talking and talking and talking and not doing. I know I'm guilty, so I really can't point at the splinter in others' eyes when I have that log in my own. It's taken real life to show me that true value isn't in words, but in the actions that back them up. In fact, I was under a therapist for a while a few years back and one of the first things she told me is "don't listen to words, look at actions. People lie with their mouths, but they act on truth." Man, that got a lot of people in trouble with me. They did not appreciate that jewel of wisdom. But it also convicted me to look at the match between my own words and actions and lo and behold, I did see a rift. I've worked very hard over the past couple of years to be more mindful of this by ackowledging how I really think and feel, defining my true values and boundaries, and ensuring that my actions match my thoughts and words. It's not always easy because we live in a society that tells us to do whatever it takes to make others happy right now, and work around it later, but it's an easier way to live. And really, I believe it really makes having relationships with others easier too. I've noticed that my relationships have improved drastically since I was mindful of this. Of course, excercising discernment has also helped, but that's an entry for another day.

I guess I just wish that others were as honest with themselves and would do this kind of inner exploration. Look within and find the truth. When you complain, are you really unhappy? If so, you'll try to change it. Even the act of trying to change it will help make you happier because you know you're doing something, and doing something is always better than doing nothing. But if you aren't, then admit that you're temporarily frustrated, but that you still believe the benefits of whatever's pricking blood out of you now outweigh the frustration of piercing your emotions.

I think that in the end, it boils down with being honest with ourselves, and letting that trickle down into being honest with others. And that always leads to better and more stable relationships. Anything built on truth will last.

That's all for today. Happy Friday to you. I hope you have a great weekend.

Bye!

The Best Advice That Some People Wish I Wouldn't Give You

Office Politics - In Fiction and Reality

Are You Gonna Just Sit There or Do Something?

Escape Reality

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