As we head into a new year, I ponder my resolution to have better balance in my life on a number of levels. One of those (very important) levels is in the area of stress reduction and reducing worry in my life. I think these are things we all struggle with, and recently I've come to realize there's a great deal that we impose on ourselves, especially when it comes to our relationships.

This realization came after having several people tell me things that other people said and/or did over the past few weeks and asked what I thought of it. I remembered that when I was under a therapist while going through my life changes a few years ago, one of the things she told me was that the secret to finding balance was realizing what was and wasn't my business. "You concern yourself with your responsibilities and what you control and let go of the things in the hands of others," she said. That's certainly true, and in fact remembering this advice upon being asked my opinion on these various situations and issues made me realize that people, in general, bring on a lot of their own stress by worrying about or fretting over things that other people think, say or do - things they have absolutely no control over.

Why do we do this? My first reaction was that it's arrogance. Frankly, we all have a tendency to beleive that everything is all about us - and that's wrong. The truth is that everything people think, say and do is all about THEM. It's a reflection of how they see the world. Even if they say that "others made me do it," the truth is that they made the decision on how to perceive things and on how to proceed. Nobody "makes" anybody do anything. Plus, by nature, people are going to do what's best for them and the ones closest to them. Why should they do something that benefits you 100% and them none at all when you aren't the center of THEIR world?

So there's one reason, but I don't think that's all of it, nor the major portion. In fact, I think if that were the whole reason, then it would mean that people in general are extremely selfish and short sighted, and I don't believe that such a narrow view applies to most people most of the time. Some maybe, but absolutely not all. Maybe not most. And remember, I said there's some truth to this. Maybe it's a small part, but I don't think that's a "once size fits all" explanation for it. Most people learn, grow, and gain a wider perspective on the world and as such, they aren't so shallow.

I believe another reason is that we want everybody to like us. The problem is, I recently read that there was actually some scientific study that at least 10% of people aren't going to like you. Frankly, I was surprised the percentage was that low. I thought it would be closer to 30%, but the latest study I read said 10% so we'll run with that. Why is this? Plain and simple, personality differences. Some types just don't play well together. If you don't believe it, ask any extremely emotional person I've come in contact with and they'll tell you I'm mean and don't give a crap about their feelings. I am, by nature, a person that leans more toward logic and reason in making decisions than emotion. I usually don't get along well with extremely emotional types that "just want peace" and "want everybody happy right now" because I beleive happiness comes from investing the time and hard work to do things right no matter how you feel about it "right now." If you do what's right, then it will work out in the end, and that's a happiness that last; not a vapor of high emotion that wears off when the party is over and the consequences have to be paid. In fact, since I've been working in professional licensing, I'd say my tendency to make decisions based on logic and reason have become a stronger  because by nature of my profession, I'm obligated to do what's right no matter how people feel about it. I don't think that's a bad thing (of course), but I've caught some flack about it because I'm female, and by stereotype I'm supposed to be all about feelings. While I'm ok to say "alright, forget the 10% and thank God for and enjoy the other 90%, well, some people get awfully fixated on that 10% and believe that if they work harder then they can get a 100% approval rating. It seems their effort would be better spent nurturing relationships with the other 90% but in fact, sometimes they turn on the ones on their side to gain approval they'll never have, counting on forgiveness from that 90% that might come, but not realizing that it will have a higher price than they bargained for because broken trust is a very hard thing to rebuild. But it happens, all the time. I've experienced it; I've seen it; I've written about it. Hey, I'm a writer. The ugly underside of humanity is a playground of inspiration. Expose it to me at your own risk.

Just kidding - maybe. And a sidenote on the emotion thing: I'm interested to see if the stereotype of "hysterical emotion" in  women downplays as more generations of women have careers.Working women don't have time to fret over every little wayward comment, rolled eye, questionable social media post, tear or tirade that comes their way. Or at least, me and my colleagues don't. But we'll see as time tells this particular tale.

So there's that. But not all people are emotional and out for approval ratings that would make politicians jealous, so reason #2 can't apply to everybody. But it does apply to enough that I believe it should be considered.

There is one more reason, and I think it applies to most of us. I believe the reason people get tied up in what others think, say and do is because they don't want to be alone in how they think or feel. They want to know that others agree with them. They want others to have an opinion with them, or to get mad with them, or to be sad with them, or to take up the cause with them because they don't want to be the only freak swimming against the tide. They want to know they're like everybody else and what the other person is doing is wild/selfish/stupid/crazy/nonsense/whatever. They don't want to be alone in their opinion or feelings because they don't want to look in the mirror and ask "is it them, or is it me?" We all want to be right. We all want the world to understand that our opinion is just as important as everybody elses'. We all want respect. Nobody wants to be a nobody. They want people to know that they're here, that they have value, and that they are just as important as the other 7+ billion people in the world.

Here's the thing, though: Going about it by getting tangled up in other peoples' business is a sign of insecurity. If you truly walk in faith and you're confident in yourself as the authentic human being you were created to be, then you don't need to beg or scream for attention. You humbly go about your own business, believing that the life God set before and the purposes you serve speak for themselves. 

That's the cure. That's how you break free from this stress. You get busy living your own life and tending to your own businss and have the grace to accept others and the decisions they make without intruding into their lives with your opinions.

Does this mean you ignore others and don't care what they do? Of course not. You should always do your best to help people in need and if there's something you can do to help others on their life path, you certainly should. The key is to use common sense and discernment. Yes, we all have opinions on things, but we don't need to share them all the time. Everything that flies through your head doesn't need to fly out of your mouth. If you aren't asked for your opinion or advice, assume it's not wanted or needed and keep it to yourself. I'd even go so far as to say that you should still use caution in giving advice even if you ARE asked for it. As one of the elves said in The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring, "elves don't give advice because all paths may run ill." Think before you speak. If in doubt, don't. And realize that advice is a take it or leave it thing - and in many cases, people leave it, so be prepared to have your advice or opinion rejected just in case and be prepared to not get offended. And please, for the love of God, if it won't make any difference and you have a thought - don't. Stop right there and go no further. If it's done and/or there's no way it's changing no matter what anybody says and you really need to get it out, set up a private blog or buy a journal to work it out, but don't go off on tirades and complain to everybody in the world about things you can't control involving people close to you. And don't ask or expect people to take sides with you unless you want to do the equivalent of renting a billboard that says I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. It makes you look bad and it makes other people run like hell from you when they see you coming. If it's something so big that you can't live with it, find a way to either deal with it or distance yourself from the situation. Just because a war's going on doesn't mean you have to be a soldier in it. Other people might want you to have their problems, but they can't draft you. You don't have to accept them and if you choose not to accept their problems, well then, it's over.

The point of this mile long blog is that I'm coming to understand that balance is something that we have to strive for in every area of life, and personal relationships are certainly a big element there. We do live in the world, with people, so having good, balanced relationships is an extremely important thing. And one way we can achieve balance in our relationships is by not being a busybody, minding our own business, and having the grace to let it be.

Thanks for hanging in there with me on this one. I hope you had a Happy Friday and that you have a great weekend.

Bye!

If you live in the south, then you know that sinus and allergy problems are quite common. In fact, one character in every one of my books always gets a sinus infection - it's just a common health problem we face in the hot, humid south. One thing I've noticed, though, is that lots of people tend to get them at the same time.

Now why, pray tell, is that? Infections are bacterial based, meaning they shouldn't be contageous. And yet, I was diagnosed with one Wednesday and today Rick went to the doctor and was diagnosed with the same thing. Not only that, but 2 of my colleagues have had sinus infections recently as well. 

llness does spread, and it can spread quickly and unexpectedly. All it takes is one person sneezing over the copy machine, or one person going to the movies with the sniffles, or one person touching that door handle and the germs are off. You can also carry those contageons days or sometimes weeks before you have symptoms - a scary fact, considering that I flew to San Francisco and back just 3 weeks ago and my return flights were full (and don't even get me started on the madness and pandemonium on that layover in Salt Lake City!). Not to mention all those people that were at the conference from 37 states. Well, ouch. I might have just set a new record for potentially spreading a contageon! I didn't feel sick 3 weeks ago but if this had a viral base then I could have been carrying it - and look how far.

Oops.

Sneaky germs! It's not fair. I'm the lifeform with the higher brain function and yet, it seems they won this round. That's probably why viruses and bacteria have survived so well and for so long. They're incidious little creatures that have survival down to an art. Hitchhike on higher lifeforms while you multiply and spread, and then strike when the numbers are high enough. No thought. No planning. Just action. Hrmph. Not a bad plan to survive, but still not nice. I mean really, what have we ever done to you? Well, besides kill you with doses of antibiotics that, ironically, have side effects that are almost as bad as what you cause.

Outsmarted by bacteria. Hrmph.

Well folks, if you do happen to get the sinus crud followed by an infection, I am truly sorry. I went through four airports in four days to a well attended conference with absolutely no idea that I could potentially be carrying
something. Truth is, we all do it, though. We just have to not bear grudges, realizing that we're being used by evil symbiotes, and move on. And as I said, antibiotics work well.

I hope you have a great weekend. Take care.

Bye!

Well folks, it happened for the same reason every other massacare happend. Somebody was crazier than Chinese Chicken Salad and we have a system that won't touch crazy with a 100 foot pole until there's a body count.

And that, as they used to say, is the rest of the story.

It's the sad and ugly truth, though. According to FOX news, James Holmes acted on his own and his apartment was booby trapped to the point where 5 surrounding buildings had to be evacuated. Ok everybody, try convincing anybody that nobody saw something odd happening around there. I can't water my lawn without a relative seeing me or somebody from church driving by, and this guy pulled THAT off without anybody noticing?I don't think so. The more likely scenario was that people did see it, but they ignored it for 2 reasons:

1. It made them uncomfortable and they hoped to stay safe by staying out of his way; and
2. It's not like trying to do anything about it would have yielded results anyway, because it's not a crime to be weird.

It's sad, but I've looked into these things, after incidents like this and in a few instances where I suspected I was  dealing with a time bomb fixing to blow. In every case, I was told the same thing: it's all about personal rights. You're head can be "a bag full of cats" (as Bruce Banner put it so eloquently in The Avengers), but unless you break the law, nobody can do anything. At that point, you have personal rights and unless you volunteer to get mental help, then nobody can force you to do it. Situations where people are mentally ill and refuse to seek help usually wind out 1 of 2 ways: In jail for commiting a crime like this, or dead because they tempted fate too hard and The Reaper won. Or worse yet, they killed themselves AFTER a maccacre that left a huge body count before they turned it on themself.

And let's be real, folks. How many mentally ill people look in the mirror and say "I think I'm frigging crazy. I'm going to get help right now" and march straight to their doctor. None, because part of mental illness is failure to recognize that you aren't right. A lack of self awareness is symptomatic of every mental disorder in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM - the bible of mental illness that describes pretty much every mental defect we've found yet, for those that haven't heard of it in a while).

It's a thin line, and unfortunately it puts unsuspecting people like those that innocently went to a movie in Colorado last night at risk. Because you never know where those loose cannons are, and that lack of awareness doesn't allow them to see you as an innocent stranger. To them you're the villian, the boogeyman, big brother, and another cog in the wheel driving reality to hell, as they see it.

This incident is another illustration of how the system is broken. We can't do anything to help others unless they break the law, but by the time they do that, they're so far gone that it's difficult if not impossible to help them. The prime time for treatment has passed, when they were aware enough to help themselves. By that point they're completely in another world, and it's neigh on impossible to bring them back. I'm not sure what the answer is, but clearly there's a need for a better one than we have. I don't want to step on personal rights, and individuality covers a pretty wide latitide - but aren't we able to discern what's eccentric and what's bordering on being a threat to self and others yet? If we aren't, then that's something that the medical and mental health professions need to work on.

So no, it had nothing to do with the movie. It had nothing to do with sci-fi, or fantasy. Crazy comes in all shapes, sizes and genres. This guy might have latched onto the persona of The Joker, but he was no super villian. He's nuts, plain and simple, and once again another one shows the world just how much damage one deranged mind can do.

And sadly, we learn that as much as we love superheroes, they are fiction - and this time ugly reality won.

That's all for today. Happy Friday to you.

Bye!

I recently read an article on Discovery News at http://news.discovery.com/human/morning-people-happy-120611.html about how early birds feel happier and healthier than night owls. Well, of course they do. They run the world. Especially here in the southeast United States, where the old rural lifestyle of "up before dawn, down at nightfall" is still alive and well.

Want proof? You should have seen the brouhaha that happened over a year ago when our agency director mandated that at least 2 people in every section had to work until 5PM every day. That might not sound like any big deal to you, but most of our staff comes in at 7AM - 7:30 AM and gets off between 3:30 and 4. And I'm the "late bird" on our staff, coming in at 8AM. People fight for their right to work those early shifts. I know several people that even get up at 4 and 5 in the morning, go to the gym to work out, shower, and come in shining at 7 or 7:30 A.M.

Yes, I think they're insane. Folks, I have 3 birds at home, and I get up before they do 6 days a week, and they aren't exactly squawking when I wake them between 8 and 9 am on Saturdays. Nature doesn't rise before the sun, and I don't understand why humans are so motivated to do so. It simply isn't the rhythem the human body is designed to run on, and yet we are forced to do so for the sake of living in "civilized society," from starting school at 7:40 A.M. (yes, we have schools that ring first bell at 7:40 a.m. around here) to reporting to work at 8AM or earlier (I've known, and still know, people required to report in at 6AM).

I'll follow that by saying that of course the elderly are mostly early risers. That tends to happen when you have 30 years of reconditioning by being forced to rise before the sun to report at work at the crack of dawn.

Needless to say, I am a natural night owl. My energy levels are higher later in the day, and getting up in the mornings is a downright painful experience for me. But alas, the early birds run the world, so I must suffer and conform to their way if I want to be a part of civilized society. I just don't think it's fair that we're forced to rise early for day to day life, and how often are people forced to stay up late? New Year's Eve is the only time I can think of when it's extolled to stay up when artificial light is needed. It used to be that you had to stay up for Christmas Eve midnight services too, but that changed several years ago when the church responded to the outcry of those that thought it was unfair to drive after dark and stay up after 8PM for worship, so they started offering 5pm and 7pm services.

So no, I'm not surprised that early birds are happier and healthier because they've got the world conformed to serve their happiness and health. But it's the  night owls that are the creative types. So when you get up at 4 in the morning to hit the gym, remember that the person that read that book you're reading on the treadmill was probably pounding the keyboard to create that brilliant work well past YOUR bedtime.

That's all for today. Take care and have a good week.

Bye!