Category: Realization

Realizations

8/13/2014

Death – what good can come from it? There’s a question without an answer. And while I know that as an in-law I don’t really have a right to an opinion on the matter, I can say this: it wasn’t easy watching dementia overtake someone I had known and respected for nearly 20 years.

Don’t worry; you aren’t going to get a dissertation on what I think about it because I know you don’t want to hear it. What you will hear, though, is that this is the second time I’ve stood face to face with the reaper in five months, and there are some lessons you can learn from death. It doesn’t change anything about the situation, but it can change your perspective on life. For example:

It reminds you to live. There are some who are homebound or confined in facilities that would consider the ability to go out in the world, get aggravated like hell by people with attitudes, and work until their brain is fried a great privilege. It’s easy to assume that simple things like going to work, caring for your home and family, and being able to come and go as you please are our rights, until illness or injury take them away. “We know that God works all things for good” (Romans 8:28) is something we too often forget, and yet we’d be better off mentally and spiritually if we decided to seek the benefit instead of complain. Even if the “why” eludes you, it can always be filed away as life experience that may give you something useful for later. Or it could be as simple as humility rubbing off rough edges that are hurting you more than you realize.

You learn who the people you know really are. If the application of pressure bleeds out character, then death is the ultimate test of exactly who does and doesn’t have the capacity to behave like a civilized human being. You learn who is awesome and who epically sucks in your life when you grieve. The good news is that more seem to fall on the good side than the bad, and that’s comforting. And the better news is that you know exactly where lines need to be redrawn in your life, and you can adjust accordingly. I know my “give a crap” radar has been reset in the past week.

You also learn who you really are. This may be news to you, but everybody grieves differently. While you’re used to weeping and wailing, the truth is that there are lots of ways people react to loss, and sometimes you can surprise yourself. Case in point: I feel like the world has kicked me in the ***, and I want to kick back. I haven’t shed any public tears, but now I know why everything has pissed me off since my father-in-law’s health started the rapid decline last spring. It’s helped me to gain perspective on how I’m seeing the world, and I’m taking steps to find ways to reclaim a better balance in my mind.

I also learned that I can eat through the apocalypse. I really have to pay attention to my eating habits right now.

You appreciate the smaller things. Like being able to actually work all of your assigned hours for the week, clean up your house, take time to enjoy recreation and hobbies, and talking about something other than illness, death, and dying. Your world collapses in the wake of a death, and the expansion back to normal can give you a new appreciation for the beauty of an ordinary day.

Your sense for what’s important is sharpened. Or rather, your tolerance for crap is gone. Suddenly, gossip, idle chatter, created drama and self-inflicted suffering strikes you as offensive. And you might just say so, from time to time.

No, grief isn’t pleasant, but it’s unavoidable and will come to us all. We live in community and as such, we will have to deal with loss and grief throughout our lives. There’s no escaping it. If you feel safe, enjoy the deception while you can. The reaper can come at any time, and takes who he pleases.

It’s not pleasant, but at least you aren’t alone, and the realizations from it can give you insight. No, it doesn’t change things, and you can never get back what you lost. But at least you can strengthen what you have, and remember to live better, one day at a time.

That’s all today. Take care and have a good rest of the week.

Bye!

Shift Your Paradigm - Must Read Books, Part 2

9/12/2013

You’ll be pleased to know that part 2 of my recommended reading list
for everybody is easier than the last installment. These books will still
provoke thought, but they’re more contemporary than the last edition. So without
further ado, let’s proceed with the “Shift Your Paradigm” list of reading that I
believe should be required for everybody.

How to Forgive … When You Don’t Feel Like It (June Hunt). I’m going to make you squirm by calling it straight – we all know people that use forgiveness as nothing more than a tool. Jesus told us that we’re to forgive “seventy times seven,” and there are people that milk it to the utmost. Come on, admit it – you know at least one person in your life whose smiles, apologies, and sweet talk are nothing more than masks and vocabulary, and they twist this verse to justify continuing the game. Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts in the Christian faith, and Hunt does a great job explaining what forgiveness does and does not mean, on the true meaning of the verse, and on how to establish boundaries and apply it in dealing with people, situations, and circumstances that need to be brought under control – or perhaps even cut off at the source.

Battlefield of the Mind (Joyce Meyer). Did you know that you can control your thoughts, and doing so can change your life? It’s true. The devil’s favorite tool to defeating you is the way you think by striking you with fear and feelings that you believe you can’t control. Well, it’s not true. You can – and should – take dominion over your thoughts, and this book is an excellent guide on how to break strongholds on the things that take most people captive. Be forewarned: changing the way you think is one of the hardest challenges you face, but it’s possible. In fact is the only way to achieve a life of peace, joy and victory. So if you want to win the battle against everything that defeats you and holds you back, then start by reading this book and being mindful of your own mind.

Living Above the Level of Mediocrity (Charles Swindoll). For every overachiever out there conquering the world, I’d hazard to guess that there are three more people that are stuck in a rut. Why? Because we live in an epidemic of laziness and self doubt that has us believing that we can never become more than we are unless we “catch a break.” This is absolute crap. All human beings have a divine purpose, and there’s no excuse for not living a life of abundance and purpose. Swindoll’s book gives excellent advice on how to rise above the fear holding you back, establish self discipline, and overcome laziness and complacency to find the boldness to do the hard work necessary to achieve all that you were meant to accomplish in life.

How To Win Friends & Influence People (Dale Carnegie). Stop right now and tell me one thing that the person in the cubical next to you enjoys doing in their spare time. Can you do it? Most people can’t, and I believe it’s why we have so many problems getting things done. As the pace of our culture speeds up and we become more results driven, we’re losing the personal connections that are conductive to building good relationships, and it’s showing in a degradation of our society. Carnegie’s timeless advice on how to build trusting relationships and showing interest in others and their needs is the key to building bridges that strengthen everything in life. If everybody in a supervisory position were required to read and implement the principles in this book, I’m willing to bet that the entire U.S. workforce and economy would be much better than it is today. But the good news is that it can be implemented at any level, so give it a read. Even making your corner of the world a more pleasant place to live and work can make a huge difference.

1984 (George Orwell). And finally, a warning to where it’s going to head if the country and the world keep going in the direction they are and not heeding the advice in these readings. As life gets more challenging and people become more isolated, those in control grip tighter. Call it fiction with a purpose as popular culture is increasingly pointing out parallels of Orwell’s grim future coming to pass in our present. Are we heading that way? Perhaps we should take a look at the past so we’ll see warnings to guide our future.

There you have it – the last of my 10 must reads for everybody. But never fear, because I have one more special installment, and it’s just for writers. There are so many guides on how to write better and get published, and much of the information is redundant. In my next entry, I’ll give you a list of the best books and guides I’ve found so far to help you write better, get published, publicize your work, and get established as an independent author.

That’s all today. I hope you have a Happy Friday tomorrow and a great weekend.

Bye!

Lighter Fare and Random Trivia

7/12/2013

The last few entries have been so serious. But it's Friday, and I think it's a great time to lighten up! So here's some fun stuff about me.

Remember a while back when I started this blog and did my "List of Second Favorites?" I did it at my previous blog on Writing.com and it was quite popular, so I copied it here when I started this blog. Well, I thought about doing a list of third favorites but frankly, I didn't come up with much. Here's what I got:

Color - Green (after pink and yellow)
TV Show - Breaking Bad (after Supernatural and Arrow)
Day of Week - Sunday (after Friday and Saturday)
Genre - Fantasy (after Sci-Fi and Mystery)
Hobby - Counted Cross Stitching. And here's where I tripped myself up, because I said it was third behind writing and reading. Then I realized oh yea, I'm an independent author. I believe the writing has elevated way above hobby phase. So that would put reading at my favorite hobby and cross stitching at second, with no time for a third at all in my life right now.

So that fun list fizzled out. And frankly, you're getting into the "who gives a crap" zone. So here's a few other things about me that perhaps you didn't know.

Did you know I'm a failed Christian writer? It's true. My first book, Battleground Earth - Living by Faith in a Pagan World, was published in 2004. It did okay for a little while, then flopped. I know, it's pretty pitiful to fail at THAT, but after a few years of failing to get real traction in that area, I took a short break and realized that I really like fiction and decided to try that. And the rest is, well, in progress. But so far, it's picked up faster and is rolling along better. And frankly, I enjoy writing fiction more. I don't count out inspirational forever, but the truth is that I have a few too many rough edges to be accepted as a Christian writer. It's fine. There are plenty of other things to write. The mystery is rolling along and I'm excited to be delving into sci-fi (which is my dream!) now. Who knows? Maybe I'll enter National Novel Writing Month someday. I'd certainly like to. It's just a matter of having the right ideas at the right time - which hasn't happened since 2010 when I wrote Splinter.

You know I like college football, especially the Southeastern Conference. I also like baseball.

I'm a lousy cook, which in the south is like missing a major limb or organ. Women around here LOVE to cook and experiment with recipes, but I just can't seem to do really well in the kitchen. I've tried, but after a while I realized that's why there are so many restaurants around. A lot of people don't believe it and say "well, you just don't LIKE to cook so you don't INVEST time to get better at it." No, that's not it. I really do suck. They don't understand that telling me "a sprinkle of this and a dash of that and cook it until it's done" is like me telling you that to write a novel you start at the beginning and write until you get to the end. We all have things we're bad at, and I'm afraid that's it for me. I can cook well enough for us to get by fine. And as for the holidays and covered dish functions, I'm happy to let the women graced with culinary skills take over and show me how it's done. So I'll have the cleanest house and office in the world, and let others take the cooking honors.

I used to like fishing. I actually took a course on how to fish through my previous department, and I did enjoy it. The problem is limited time and opportunities, and, much like cooking, I wasn't particularly good at it. It's been at least 5 years since I last did it. And frankly, that was also the time they took us to the range and taught us how to fire shotguns and some basic archery, and I liked both of those better than fishing.

I eat popcorn almost every day. I love the stuff! The birds love it too. We enjoy our "popcorn parties."

Speaking of our feathered friends, you know I love them. I get that from my granddaddy, who also loved birds. We were alone in this passion - most of the people in my family are cat people. In fact, my parents and my in-laws feed the feral cats around here. It's probably why their numbers keep growing and growing, and why my birds are getting used to watching cats walk through the yard all the time. But they don't venture too far, because the neighbors on the other side of us have 3 horses. Life outside of city limits is interesting. And as an additional note (that nobody believes), I've never had a dog. Ever. It's always been birds and cats for me.

I've never traveled outside of the continental United States. Of course, I had never gotten on an airplane until 2 years ago, so that could very well change in time. And speaking of my travels: I loved Arizona, I liked San Francisco, and I hated Miami. Arizona was red rock, blue sky, and beautiful weather in late winter. San Francisco was new and different. But Miami was too chaotic and the food was WAY too spicy and weird.

Okay folks, I think that's enough for one day. I hope this has been a good break from the fluff of fiction and the chaos of reality. Have a Happy Friday and a great weekend.

Bye!

The Many Facets of Discernment

6/11/2013

I recently accepted that I don't have to know everything that's going on - and that's fine. In fact, that's preferable. Frankly, I wish I had come to this realization a decade ago, but I guess the multiple responsibilities of approaching mid-life finally opened my eyes to the fact that I can't handle it all, and the truth is that I don't want to.

That might not seem like much of a revelation. In fact, you might be saying it's the better part of maturity to come to this realization. I agree, but I also say it's another facet of appreciating the lost virtue of discernment in life. Sure, we know that it's vital to reign in our tongues in work situation, but usually that's where the fine line of discretion ends. We seem to live in a society that believes that if it flies through our brains, it needs to fly out of our mouths, and those closest to us should toughen up to handle "the real us." Frankly, I don't know how that filthy lie survived into the twenty-first century. It was extolled in a very small portion of the mental health sector for a very short while, but most mental health professionals agreed that this was crap even when I was in college in the early to mid 90's. I think social media has a lot to do with it. When anger fueled blogs get thousands of hits and ignite online debates and tirade posts get hundreds of "likes," it gives an impression that anger and frustration is popular, when in fact those very same things can cost you down the line if it falls in the wrong hands - which is easy, considering that the World Wide Web is, well, worldwide.

Discernment isn't popular, but it's a vital virtue if you want a peaceful life. I know that it's a given that we all have an "inner circle" of family and friends that we share most of ourselves with and our lives with, and that's completely right and natural. We all need that inner circle, but it's also natural that this circle will be small. Rick and I were watching the finale of Star Trek - Enterprise the other night, and something that Tripp said really struck me. He said "I can count on one hand the number of people that I trust. Not just trust as in 'I know you, and believe you,' but trust as in 'I know for certain they would never do anything to hurt me.'" It was a powerful statement, but really not much of a revelation unless you take the time to think about it. Folks, one thing that people don't seem to understand is that trust isn't a right; it's a privilege that's earned. You simply don't have the time or energy to invest the kind of work that building an "inner circle" relationship requires with everybody in your life. That's okay, because everybody you know doesn't need to know everything about your life. And frankly, they don't need to.

I'd say that most of the people we know can be trusted only to a certain extent, but a line needs to be drawn and we need to know when to talk and when to shut up. A good litmus test of this: when they stop listening, stop talking. You've hit the limit and there's no need to say more. Now you know how much they're willing to handle. Give them no more. To do so might actually be dangerous. Because there are people out there that will use what they know about you to stab you in the back. Take it from one who knows. I have a lovely knife collection that I've pulled out of my back over the years. I've never been hurt by holding back or, as the saying goes, what I didn't say. You learn to gauge people and situations and when to keep it shut. And knowing when to shut up - and even when to not talk at all - can be tremendously beneficial.

How, you might ask? Well, there are benefits to discernment. The first and most obvious is that you learn more from watching and listening than from talking. It's amazing what you stumble across when you quietly tune in to what's going on around you. People have a tendency to forget that sound carries and you can learn a lot, even from a one sided conversation (just look at what happened to Jana Lanning in Anywhere But Here - half a phone conversation broke things wide open!). But there's another benefit, too. Think about this: how many people trust a gossip? I mean, really trust them? Sure, they talk to a lot of people and seem popular, but activate those listening skills and you'll notice that people are very selective about what they share with these "friends." It's truly a situation of "keep your friends close and your enemies closer," because they see the knife collection hiding behind the smile and know they're one slip-up from adding to their own knife collection. But how much more willing are they to talk to somebody that rarely converses with too many people? A lot more. It's simple human nature. People tend to fill silences with words.

If you keep to yourself and your business, you'll be amazed at what people will tell you if you simply ask. And why shouldn't they? You aren't a threat to them. and the information, they assume, probably isn't any good and you're merely curious and trying to "fit in" or "stay in the know." Let them think it. It's a great benefit, but one word of caution - use it sparingly. Asking too many questions will mark you as "odd" or "nosy" and people will shut you down. They'll figure you're up to something and will shut you out. So keep it simple, keep quiet, listen, watch, and only ask in the most vital or important of situations. Or if it would be natural for you to ask, because it obviously affects you personally.

And then there's my realization that I don't need to know everything that's going on. People aren't going to tell you everything, and that's okay. It isn't always nefarious motives or a blatant effort to "leave you out." Sometimes they forget, or they don't want to worry you. Trust their good intentions and let it go. And for those instances when people do like having their secrets and hanging it over you, just let it go. You aren't responsible for what you don't know and frankly, who needs more responsibilities in life? My life is full. I don't need any more. Heck, somedays I'm so busy that my "give a crap" capacity is gone by noon. It's just crank it out and keep it going. So yes, please, keep some things to yourself and let me take care of my own madness over here. Letting go of having to know what's going on with everybody all the time took a tremendous burden off my shoulders. And who doesn't need that?

Yes, it was a wonderful realization, and I truly don't know why more people don't extoll the virtue of discernment. Discretion is tough, of course, especially when you're angry, frustrated or upset, but it's well worth it to hold back and ponder your responses and reactions. A minute of thought can prevent years of regret from lack of sel

Do This At Your Own Risk

4/18/2013

Okay folks, I want to open this by saying that this is not a “shame on you” entry. I know I’m going up against things that have existed since the dawn of time, and I don’t pretend that this entry will open eyes and magically change the world. I’m merely trying to raise awareness of unrecognized perils to something that we all do, and hope it will lead to some wisdom in actions. Likely not, but you can’t plead ignorance after reading this entry.

I’ll cut to the chase. We all play favorites. It’s not a “thing” limited to certain places or relationships. We do it all the time and we do it everywhere. It happens in families (you know it does). It happens at work. It happens at church. It happens in clubs, societies, sororities, classrooms, emergency rooms, waiting rooms – hell, I’ve even seen it happen at the county dump when the cute blonde in the sporty car was waved ahead of me to empty trash. Call it “favoritism.” Call it “the good old boy system.” Call it “cliques” or “popularity contests.” Call it whatever you want. It happens.

I know everybody reading this is shouting and saying “oh hell no.” Oh hell yes. Let’s drop the pretense and b.s. for just a few minutes. I promise not to go on too long and you can resume the “formalities” momentarily. Besides, I’m trying to help you here. At least in my own, strip-off-the-nonsense-and-call-it-like-it-is way. And remember, I said we’re all guilty. Me too. You too. Everybody too. Even my birds have their “favorite humans.” This could well precede not only time and space, but all of creation. Partiality happens. There’s no stopping it.

It’s a simple fact that yes, we are predisposed to react more favorably to some people and situations than others. It’s personality – some just go together better than others. It’s also life experience – we relate better to those that have faced similar experiences or have a similar lifestyle. There are complex nature/nurture forces at play that make us more receptive and gracious toward some people than others. Likewise, there are some types we throw up our guard against. I mentioned in the last entry that it miffs me that charisma wins over character so much – that’s because I’ve been the victim of people using charisma to hide serious character flaws several times. Their “God bless us every one” demeanor was hiding a nasty temper bent on utter annihilation. So naturally, I don’t trust “popular” people because I see the red lightsaber just waiting to stab me.

That being said, it happens. Despite modern science, I doubt we ever unlock the secrets of the human personality. It’s too complex and this is one of those things that you can’t account for. We naturally like some people better than others. And conversely, we naturally dislike those that strike us unfavorably. There’s no cure for it. You can’t fix it and people are going to play favorites. It’s going to happen. Now here’s where we run into the problem:

Nobody likes being a “not favorite.” Anytime you complement somebody, anytime you recognize somebody, anytime you put someone on a pedestal or offer public praise or thanks, then other people will feel left out and perceive it as a slight. Because no man is an island and no matter how wonderful Mr. or Miss Wonderful is, it’s unlikely they did it on their own. And, sad to say, some people are very good at getting other people to do everything and having the credit funneled directly to their feet. But that’s another entry for another day. Recognition – and especially public recognition – can open a nasty can of worms that you don’t even know until they’re crawling up your leg. At best, the people you failed to recognize will quit on you, and you’re setting your favorite to the test of picking up the load. At worst, they’ll turn on you. And God help you if it’s a former favorite that you’ve changed your mind about and they know stuff. Ouch.

So does that mean public recognition of good service should be banned? Not at all. I’m just saying that if you want the dog to stay in the yard, then you need to throw them a bone. And not just the head of the pack – everyone in the yard needs a bone. So if you’re going to thank people, be sure that you take off what I call the “swell guy” blinders and open your eyes to everybody. Don’t hold one person up unless you have darn strong justification to do it. And going the extra mile to find out what speaks to a person can also help. Some people don’t want public recognition. My colleagues are smart enough to know an occasional “thank you,” showing interest in my writing, and a bar-b-que luncheon once or twice a year will keep me from squawking like a pissed off parakeet. Which is hilarious, because it didn’t take them long to figure that out and my former colleagues never did get it. Some things are a mystery because you choose not to put forth the two seconds to notice, eh?

My point is this – we all play favorites, but it helps to check yourself every now and then. Showing favoritism is generally considered impolite,; and I know we don’t care for etiquette in the 21st century, but this is a formality that perhaps needs to be reinstated. Did you notice in the paragraph above that I was open to what types I’m not partial to, but I didn’t mention what types I am partial to? No way I’m telling that. But at least you know what raises my defenses, so there’s my attempt at leveling the playing field. Now you know a trigger to avoid with me.

That being said, it might behoove you to quietly put your favorites in your inner circle and exercise discretion in your dealings. Don’t let it show. Throw the non-favorites something every now and then. And for goodness sake, if you do a public acknowledgement and get wind that somebody feels slighted, please take Dale Carnige’s advice to humbly apologize and rectify the situation. Digging in your heels and fighting to justify yourself won’t win friends or influence people. Just say “sorry, I am grateful for you and will be glad to acknowledge it with an apology for leaving you out,” do it, and let it go. That’s character and will close out the situation much faster that “well I did it because they did la de dah de dah and where were you then?”

And as for the rest of us, give us a bar-b-que luncheon. Yea, that’ll shut us up. For a minute.

That’s all today. You may now resume the formalities of pretending like we modern folks don’t do this crap.

Bye!

Let it Be (or Mind Your Own Business!)

1/4/2013

As we head into a new year, I ponder my resolution to have better balance in my life on a number of levels. One of those (very important) levels is in the area of stress reduction and reducing worry in my life. I think these are things we all struggle with, and recently I've come to realize there's a great deal that we impose on ourselves, especially when it comes to our relationships.

This realization came after having several people tell me things that other people said and/or did over the past few weeks and asked what I thought of it. I remembered that when I was under a therapist while going through my life changes a few years ago, one of the things she told me was that the secret to finding balance was realizing what was and wasn't my business. "You concern yourself with your responsibilities and what you control and let go of the things in the hands of others," she said. That's certainly true, and in fact remembering this advice upon being asked my opinion on these various situations and issues made me realize that people, in general, bring on a lot of their own stress by worrying about or fretting over things that other people think, say or do - things they have absolutely no control over.

Why do we do this? My first reaction was that it's arrogance. Frankly, we all have a tendency to beleive that everything is all about us - and that's wrong. The truth is that everything people think, say and do is all about THEM. It's a reflection of how they see the world. Even if they say that "others made me do it," the truth is that they made the decision on how to perceive things and on how to proceed. Nobody "makes" anybody do anything. Plus, by nature, people are going to do what's best for them and the ones closest to them. Why should they do something that benefits you 100% and them none at all when you aren't the center of THEIR world?

So there's one reason, but I don't think that's all of it, nor the major portion. In fact, I think if that were the whole reason, then it would mean that people in general are extremely selfish and short sighted, and I don't believe that such a narrow view applies to most people most of the time. Some maybe, but absolutely not all. Maybe not most. And remember, I said there's some truth to this. Maybe it's a small part, but I don't think that's a "once size fits all" explanation for it. Most people learn, grow, and gain a wider perspective on the world and as such, they aren't so shallow.

I believe another reason is that we want everybody to like us. The problem is, I recently read that there was actually some scientific study that at least 10% of people aren't going to like you. Frankly, I was surprised the percentage was that low. I thought it would be closer to 30%, but the latest study I read said 10% so we'll run with that. Why is this? Plain and simple, personality differences. Some types just don't play well together. If you don't believe it, ask any extremely emotional person I've come in contact with and they'll tell you I'm mean and don't give a crap about their feelings. I am, by nature, a person that leans more toward logic and reason in making decisions than emotion. I usually don't get along well with extremely emotional types that "just want peace" and "want everybody happy right now" because I beleive happiness comes from investing the time and hard work to do things right no matter how you feel about it "right now." If you do what's right, then it will work out in the end, and that's a happiness that last; not a vapor of high emotion that wears off when the party is over and the consequences have to be paid. In fact, since I've been working in professional licensing, I'd say my tendency to make decisions based on logic and reason have become a stronger because by nature of my profession, I'm obligated to do what's right no matter how people feel about it. I don't think that's a bad thing (of course), but I've caught some flack about it because I'm female, and by stereotype I'm supposed to be all about feelings. While I'm ok to say "alright, forget the 10% and thank God for and enjoy the other 90%, well, some people get awfully fixated on that 10% and believe that if they work harder then they can get a 100% approval rating. It seems their effort would be better spent nurturing relationships with the other 90% but in fact, sometimes they turn on the ones on their side to gain approval they'll never have, counting on forgiveness from that 90% that might come, but not realizing that it will have a higher price than they bargained for because broken trust is a very hard thing to rebuild. But it happens, all the time. I've experienced it; I've seen it; I've written about it. Hey, I'm a writer. The ugly underside of humanity is a playground of inspiration. Expose it to me at your own risk.

Just kidding - maybe. And a sidenote on the emotion thing: I'm interested to see if the stereotype of "hysterical emotion" in women downplays as more generations of women have careers.Working women don't have time to fret over every little wayward comment, rolled eye, questionable social media post, tear or tirade that comes their way. Or at least, me and my colleagues don't. But we'll see as time tells this particular tale.

So there's that. But not all people are emotional and out for approval ratings that would make politicians jealous, so reason #2 can't apply to everybody. But it does apply to enough that I believe it should be considered.

There is one more reason, and I think it applies to most of us. I believe the reason people get tied up in what others think, say and do is because they don't want to be alone in how they think or feel. They want to know that others agree with them. They want others to have an opinion with them, or to get mad with them, or to be sad with them, or to take up the cause with them because they don't want to be the only freak swimming against the tide. They want to know they're like everybody else and what the other person is doing is wild/selfish/stupid/crazy/nonsense/whatever. They don't want to be alone in their opinion or feelings because they don't want to look in the mirror and ask "is it them, or is it me?" We all want to be right. We all want the world to understand that our opinion is just as important as everybody elses'. We all want respect. Nobody wants to be a nobody. They want people to know that they're here, that they have value, and that they are just as important as the other 7+ billion people in the world.

Here's the thing, though: Going about it by getting tangled up in other peoples' business is a sign of insecurity. If you truly walk in faith and you're confident in yourself as the authentic human being you were created to be, then you don't need to beg or scream for attention. You humbly go about your own business, believing that the life God set before and the purposes you serve speak for themselves.

That's the cure. That's how you break free from this stress. You get busy living your own life and tending to your own businss and have the grace to accept others and the decisions they make without intruding into their lives with your opinions.

Does this mean you ignore others and don't care what they do? Of course not. You should always do your best to help people in need and if there's something you can do to help others on their life path, you certainly should. The key is to use common sense and discernment. Yes, we all have opinions on things, but we don't need to share them all the time. Everything that flies through your head doesn't need to fly out of your mouth. If you aren't asked for your opinion or advice, assume it's not wanted or needed and keep it to yourself. I'd even go so far as to say that you should still use caution in giving advice even if you ARE asked for it. As one of the elves said in The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring, "elves don't give advice because all paths may run ill." Think before you speak. If in doubt, don't. And realize that advice is a take it or leave it thing - and in many cases, people leave it, so be prepared to have your advice or opinion rejected just in case and be prepared to not get offended. And please, for the love of God, if it won't make any difference and you have a thought - don't. Stop right there and go no further. If it's done and/or there's no way it's changing no matter what anybody says and you really need to get it out, set up a private blog or buy a journal to work it out, but don't go off on tirades and complain to everybody in the world about things you can't control involving people close to you. And don't ask or expect people to take sides with you unless you want to do the equivalent of renting a billboard that says I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. It makes you look bad and it makes other people run like hell from you when they see you coming. If it's something so big that you can't live with it, find a way to either deal with it or distance yourself from the situation. Just because a war's going on doesn't mean you have to be a soldier in it. Other people might want you to have their problems, but they can't draft you. You don't have to accept them and if you choose not to accept their problems, well then, it's over.

The point of this mile long blog is that I'm coming to understand that balance is something that we have to strive for in every area of life, and personal relationships are certainly a big element there. We do live in the world, with people, so having good, balanced relationships is an extremely important thing. And one way we can achieve balance in our relationships is by not being a busybody, minding our own business, and having the grace to let it be.

Thanks for hanging in there with me on this one. I hope you had a Happy Friday and that you have a great weekend.

Bye!

Office Politics - In Fiction and Reality

10/9/2012

I’m often asked if the things that happened to Jana Lanning in my recent novel, Anywhere But Here, actually happened to me. For those of you that haven’t read this novel, Jana Lanning, the protagonist, is denied admission to graduate school, finds out her boyfriend is cheating on her, helps her best friend get married and move out of town, and has to settle for a job that she’s overqualified for – and all of this happens within two weeks of getting her undergraduate degree. Then to make things worse, the office where she works starts a merger with another firm and Jana finds herself on the wrong end of office politics that are the final straw in her battle with depression. The thing people seem the most interested in are the office politics. People want to know if the happenings at Dixon Financial are reflective of my job before it was transferred to a new agency a couple of years ago.

In response to that I’d say not entirely, but I can’t deny that some things that happened to me early in my career are reflected in people and events that take place in the book. I know that’s cryptic, but bear in mind two things: The people and events are fictionalized and that was accomplished through a mixture of my personal experiences, experiences I’ve seen and heard of from other people, and instances I’ve read about in books, magazines, news and other media. It came from a vast pool and I’ll admit that I had experience with being on the wrong end of office politics – heck, how could you write about it even from a fictionalized perspective unless you lived it in some way – but it’s also a universal issue that anybody working in an office environment is going to be on one end or the other of. And sorry folks, but there are probably going to be times when you find yourself on the wrong side, at least from the perspective of the majority.

My purpose in both writing Anywhere But Here and this entry isn’t to bash my former workplace. These things happened a decade ago, and I must admit that I said and did things that weren’t wise and didn’t lead to the best resolution in the situations I faced. I certainly learned from those experiences and in retrospect, I’m glad I learned those lessons early in life or I certainlywouldn’t be where I am now. The purpose is to share lessons learned, because this is something that I believe everybody in the workforce faces at some time. It makes you feel isolated and lonely when it happens, but the truth is that you aren’t alone. Lots of people face it but few talk about it because frankly, it’s embarrassing.

I used to think that people playing office politics were selfish jerks that like to hurt people, but experience has shown me that it actually grows from a root of fear. People that play with power are insecure and doubt their own ability, so they create an elaborate game of turning people and things to their advantage. I’ve found that there are 2 good ways to identify a person that is likely to use power to their advantage:

1.They cling tightly to cliques that are made up of people that are higher on the chain of command than they are; and

2.They don’t associate with anybody on the chain of command below them unless it’s absolutely necessary - and those people better give them what they want immediately or it’s insubordination.

It’s the people in category #2 that usually find themselves on the losing end of office politics because any wrong word or deed will be met with fierce retaliation. I won’t say that I never see office politics anymore, but I have found that I find myself in these situations a lot less since I’ve been reclassified to a mid-level position. I’d like to think this is because I’ve proven that my knowledge and abilities are valuable, but it’s more likely that I learned valuable lessons on how to deal with these types from previous experience – and people know it.

So what’s the secret to dealing when you’re the victim of office politics? If you’re right, stand by that. Don’t ever cave in and take the quick and easy way out because that’s a temporary end. If they’d turn on you once, they’ll turn on you again. Caving in only shows that you can be taken advantage of, and they will milk that dry, plus the consequences of doing wrong will follow you a lot longer than standing up for what’s right. They might not like you, but they’ll respect you and at least know not to let you catch them with their hand in the cookie jar again. If you aren’t right, correct yourself immediately and stick to your guns in walking down the right road. And whichever situation you’re in, it’s imperative that you have patience. Truth will show itself in time and it will be end game then. It might take months or even years for things to come around, but they will and you’ll be better off for it. The reward will come in patient endurance, and it will be something that nobody can deny. Sure, there are people that are so stubborn that they’ll refuse to change their mind no matter what happens, but don’t worry about them. Leave them in their ignorance and move on because it’s highly probably that they’ll be gone in time themselves.

I believe Jana Lanning in Anywhere But Here is a good personification of office politics gone wrong, because she’s the one in the weakest position. She didn’t do anything wrong and in fact suffered for doing right, but recent personal losses kept her from taking a stand in the right way and the right timing. The people that create these situations are masters at turning things against you even if you didn’t do anything wrong, and it’s exhausting to constantly defend your own character. Unfortunately, she found this out too late and suffered the consequences of crossing the wrong people simply by being who she was and not deferring to people doing things wrong. She was right and had proof of it, but she didn’t know how to present that truth in a combative work environment. That happens sometimes, and it’s awful. I think the worst offence in the world is to have to suffer for other peoples’ mistakes, and office politics are the ultimate example of that.

I think this is why eople tell me that they find Jana Lanning so likeable. She’s a good person that doesn’t deserve the hard knocks that come her way from people taking advantage of her shy nature, youth, and inexperience. She makes the same mistakes that all of us made in our early adulthood and we understand her confusion at why life is kicking her around. Reality is a hard teacher, and it’s the only one that can do the job once school leaves off. Remember the movie “St. Elmo’s Fire” from the 80’s? That strange, new world opening up is the exact thing that Jana faces, and we understand exactly where she’s coming from. She, like the rest of us, has to learn to find those gems of opportunity in the rubble of defeat to rebuild a new life from shattered dreams. In some ways, we may even relate to her right where we’re at, because life is always teaching us lessons.

So no, I didn’t start out in life exactly like Jana did. I actually did marry my college sweetheart, but I never made it to graduate school because I found other things that I believed were worth more in my life than higher education. I never struggled with depression, but I knew (and still know) many who do battle that demon, and I hope Jana’s struggle helps people with depression understand that this is a battle they can win if they stay in the fight. But yes, I did go through an office merger in my early years in the workforce, and I found myself prey to the power plays, albeit in much different circumstances. All I can say is that wisdom comes from experience, and I gained plenty in those few years.

And lest you think it’s impossible for poor Jana to face so much at one time, I call your bluff. Too much smashing my life to bits was the catalyst for my next novel, Splinter – but that’s one for a future blog entry. I’ll address it closer to the release date in mid 2013. Until then, enjoy Anywhere But Here and my other books - information on them and links to buy are on the other tabs of this website. I hope you find entertainment and inspiration in them.

That’s all today.

Bye!

The Most Important Thing in Life

9/4/2012

I was talking to our former associate pastor about a year ago and he said something that changed my entire perspective on life. I was telling him how I got overwhelmed with all my responsibilities sometimes, and how it seemed like there were too many things in my life for me to keep up with. Maybe, I was musing, I need to do some pruning to thin things out so I can focus more attention on what I like best.

"Maybe so," he said, "but remember that relationships are the most important thing in life. When you look back on your life it's not the work you did or the accomplishments that will be the best memories. It will be the time you spent with people that you love and care about."

That shocked me into a realization. Although my relationships are the most important thing to me, it seemed I was spending a lot more time "doing stuff" and not enough time with other people. My actions and my heart weren't in alignment.

Since then, I've made an effort to get things right. I've had to drop some activities, and it looks like increases in my work responsibilities will require me to scale back on my voluneteer activities. I'm not happy about this, but I know from experience that life can change (and change quickly), and I have no fear that the season of my life will change and make it possible for me to resume these things in the future. I've also put limits on how much time I spend on my writing. I figured that when I'm working on a project, I can devote about 2 hours a day without too much disruption to my home life, work life, or other things I want/need to do. This has actually worked out to be more productive for me, because before I was on the computer every night, trying to write and chase down promotional opportunities. Limiting myself to 2 hours a few nights a week forced me to focus my efforts, and I've actually been much more productive. And yes, I do even have "no laptop" nights, when I put it away after work, or don't take it out at all and spend time on other things.

Looking back over my life so far, I realize already that he was right. I know I have a purpose to fulfill, and I still love my writing, hobbies and church work. But the times that stand out in my head aren't work - they're experiences I've had with others. Time spent with Rick and the birds, with family and friends, at church and through social interactions with my colleagues. The best things are more about the "who" and less about the "do."

I have to admit that it was some of the best advice I've ever had. I'm not so stressed out anymore because I'm not literally working away every minute of every day. Because even if you love the work, there's no joy in constant labor. The joy is in balancing things out, and unless you nurture your relationships then there's no way anything else is going to work out well.

That's all today. Busy week with business travel, so it will probably be next week before I can update again. Take care and have a good week.

Bye!

From Sidekick to Superhero - Graveyard Epiphany (Entry 1)

9/26/2011

I had an epiphany in the church cemetery in December 2010 that changed my view on life.

I wasn't sure why I went out there that day. I ran an errand before work, and was strongly prompted to see where my grandparents were buried. I haven't been out there since Granddaddy died in October 1989, but I felt like I needed to go out there then to deal with some emotional issues before I could really move on.

So there I was on a cold, windy day. I overshot the row, so I had to walk to their plot. As I got to that place, I realized something: Despite over 20 years of history, I had nothing to say. I stood there with the weight of two major life changes that had recently started a new season in my life and for all the months of wishing they were here to give me advice - nothing.

I felt like a moron, standing there in a ridiculous looking hat with my work ID flapping in the breeze until traffic noise from the nearby highway snapped me out of my blank mind. That's when it hit me: Of course there was nothing to say here. Everybody in this place had completed their journey! This was no longer their world. They had passed their trials, had served their purpose in the world, and now had their reward. I and I alone was responsible for leaving this place and resuming my place in that world, to serve my purpose and to complete the mission the Lord sent me to serve.

That alone was a profound insight. It's what happened next that really nailed it.

As I walked back to my car, I realized that I parked next to where my great-great grandparents were buried. I looked down as I hit the "unlock" button on my car to see my great-great-grandmother's epitapth, which read: A GOOD AND FAITHFUL HELPMEET.

Something inside me snapped. I realized that I would one day lie in this place - and I expect the world to know more about me than that when I'm gone! "Oh hell no," I said to the wind, "I better leave behind more than that. I'm not a sidekick!"

I couldn't believe that an entire lifetime was summed up in a sentence that was nothing more than a passing tribute to her supporting role to helping my great-great grandfather in his efforts as the first pastor of our church, and his other endeavors. Who was she? How did she do it? What were her passions? What kind of personality did she have? We'll never know. Heck, I didn't even know her name until that moment.

At that, I left. It was cold, and windy. I was wearing a really stupid hat. And I realized I had stuff to do.

Now, I fully realize that women in the 18th century were largely defined by fathers, husbands and the men in their life. My point is twofold: First, it isn't like that anymore, and I think it's a pity that their identities are lost. Sure I accept my role as my husband's "helpmeet," but I'm also a unique individual and I have my own way of doing all things, be they God-given missions of my own or supporting others in their God-give missions. Second, I hate to say it but most people do still define themselves by others. They get so wrapped up in roles and relationships that they loose sight of who they are at their very core - the place in the center of their soul where the Lord made them a unique and wonderful creation. And they do it willingly to fit in with societal norms.

My purpose in this blog series is not to buck any systems, or to lash out against conformity. My purpose is to share this epiphany with you and to tell you the powerful truth I learned in the Mt. Tabor Lutheran Church cemetery that day: That we are all uniquelly and wonderfully made, and our ultimate purpose is to be the person God made us to be so we can serve the purpose He sent us to serve in this world. We shouldn't fear or deny who we are because everything God makes is good. That includes us. We need to embrace our authenticity and take our place now. Others might be able to do what we do, but they can't do it the way we can. God sent you to do what you're purposed to do because you have a way that nobody else that has ever, does, or will live can do it. We need to learn to accept ourselves and embrace what makes us unique!

Why? Because this is our world. All those who have gone before have served their purpose. Those ahead of us have not come to their time yet. lt's our world, right now, because the Lord has ordained it for us. We need to find our purpose. We need to own it. We need to make sure that the world knows we're here and that our presence makes a difference. Because that is, after all, why God sent us.

When I die, I want my epitapth to read "It's your world now. Go do stuff." Maybe that epiphany will spread. Maybe it will inspire the future. But that's yet to come. It's my time now, and I have to own it.

Because I have stuff to do. And so do you. Now let's get out there and own this world!

Next time: Who Are You? Devine Purpose, Authentic Soul.