Hi all; I thought I'd give you a general update on what's happening in my corner of the world.

First, Splinter is coming out next week! I'm excited, of course, and will update you with buy links for the book as soon as they're available. It's only going to be available in ebook format. Lots of people ask me why, and the reason is that I have to pay to make it available in paperback, and frankly I never recup the costs of it. Almost all of my books sales are ebooks and the paperbacks just don't move, so I invest that money in promotion of the electronic version instead. If you'd like a sneak peek at Splinter, you can check out the short story I posted on ReadWave yesterday titled "Fractured". It's told from the point of view of Amelia Eaton, the doctor on Jovan I and Leigh Lybrand's best friend, and it gives a great setup to the novel because it hints at something important that happens about 18 months before Splinter opens. Go check it out - the story is only 800 words, and you can read it in less than 5 minutes.

If you were on social media Thursday, then you know my car broke down when I went out to lunch that day. What a story! I actually went out to pick up a Christmas gift I ordered for Rick. They tried to deliver it to the house, but unbeknownst to me, they sent it with a signature required, so when it arrived Wednesday and I wasn't there, they left a nice little card in the mailbox. So I already had to explain to Rick why the post office was trying to deliver a parcel to me, because he gets home before I do. I had to go to the post office Thursday to pick it up, or they were going to return it to the sender, which I didn't want, of course. I made it all the way to the post office (I didn't realize how far out in the boondocks the post office serving our zip code was!) and the car started smoking when I pulled back in the parking lot at work. I went in to tell my co-workers what was happening, and took it straight to a mechanic that set up shop about 2/10 of a mile from my house. The car started overheating on that ride, and I had to stop twice to rest the engine before it shut off. (Thank goodness my office is only about 3 miles from home). But thanks be to God, I made it. I walked home carrying my purse, work bag, and Rick's gift (which was bigger than I expected, but thank goodness not heavy). And also thankfully, nobody saw me walking  home, as it's a dirt road with little traffic from my house to that mechanic. It turns out that a valve in my radiator had a hole in it, and all of the antifreeze leaked out. They fixed it the same day, which was amazing, and I picked it up before work yesterday (they wanted it to sit overnight to make sure it didn't leak any more antifreeze). The car's doing fine now, but it relieved me of $281. To replace a $8 part, I might add.

Speaking of Rick, he did recover from the tissue infection in his cheek. It was a painful ordeal, and we're glad it's over. We still aren't sure how he got it. I surmise it has something to do with working in a middle school and handling all of those student and teacher iPads. People can be pretty nasty sometimes. We actually had a good weekend last weekend, because he felt better and we had a chance to have a "date day" for the first time in about a month. We went to the gun show, out to lunch, and to see Thor: The Dark World. We enjoyed it and it was great to have a chance to go out and do something fun together. But now he's down again, because he got a flu shot yesterday, and it has him feeling run down today. He hasn't had a flu shot in a few years, and it seems to have knocked him out this time. He can't seem to win. This should pass by tomorrow or Monday according to the paperwork they gave him.

Ollie is over his kidney infection, but it left him with nerve inflammation in his leg. Some days are better than others. I've bugged the vet about it several time and even took Ollie back because of it. The vet said it will get better in time, but inflammation takes a while to go down, and little Ollie seems to be a slow healer. Some days are better than others. I hate it because I can tell the leg is really bothering him sometimes. But he still sings, and plays, and he's eating very well. The vet said to try to get him to work that leg - a kind of "physical therapy" - and we're trying but again, some days are better than others. We all know that the changing weather isn't helping matters either, because I can tell it bugs him more when it's cold. Poor little fellow.

Christmas shopping is 80% done. I  know I won't finish before Thanksgiving, but that's okay because I think I can finish in early December with this rate of progress. I have to, because the workload at my job peaks in December. Along with a December 16th exam deadline, we also have everybody wanting to get licensed before the end of the year so they can start on projects at the beginning of the new year. It's insanity, and I've learned that I have to plan ahead to handle "the crush" if I want to keep from drowning. It can get overwhelming, between a heavy workload and your family and social life picking up for the holidays. Why every place I've worked seems to hit a "crunch time" between Thanksgiving and Christmas is beyond me - I guess it must be a trend no matter where you work. Things just get more active all around during the holidays. But thank God, I hope that planning ahead will keep me sane. I was so stressed and overwhelmed last holiday season that I was miserable and couldn't enjoy the holidays even when I was finally away from all the madness. I just couldn't seem to "wind down" from everything pounding on me, and I don't ever want to be in that place again. I'll err on the side of wisdom and take people snickering and calling me "anal" if it means I can keep an even keel once it all busts loose in a few weeks and actually be able to enjoy the season like we're supposed to.

And that reminds me to give you a follow up that I should have done a while ago. I know I said in July that I was having problems with being angry all the time and at so many people and situations because of the crazy amount of change since last  December. I wanted to let you know that I am feeling better and I think I'm making progress in this area. It's not easy to deal with anger. Of course, you have every right to be angry when people are making decisions that you have to pay the price for, but that doesn't give you justification to stay angry. That's putting yourself in a prison and, as I said in July, that's not the kind of person I want to be. I see now that sometimes people just make bad decisions, and whatever consequences you suffer for it, they suffer much more because they're in the middle of it. Periphery problems, as I was struggling with at the time, pass much faster than being in the dead center of the chaos. But another issue is that I also realize that I'm not the only one that was overwhelmed. Many people were, and some still are, but everybody is trying to get settled in a better place. I see intent to make progress and it's paid off in some ways already, so I'm content to hang in there and keep things moving in a right direction. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things we're called to do, but it's possible through prayer. Moving on can be hard too, but again it's possible if you're willing to learn from the past and gain wisdom from all that you experience. I have heard that  more change may be on the way for me in the new year, and that's okay as well. I see some benefits to it and while I realize that a learning curve and adjustments might be on the horizon (again), I prayed over it and feel this is for ultimate good for me and many others. Nothing is definite, but I'll pass along more if and when it comes to pass.

I think the greatest thing I've come to learn over these past months as I worked through the anger issue is that I had an error in my own perception. I was in a rut for so many years at my old workplace, that I thought the "normal" state of being was just that - being in a groove. But that's not right. I've come to see that the constant change and state of flux I've seen over the past 3 years is actually the norm, and that 6 year rut was the exception. I've been working so long and hard to "get settled down," and now I realize that the proper state of life is actually change and constant motion. "Normal" is constant work and striving toward something better, to making the next steps and to moving ahead, not settling in a groove of the "same old same old" that slowly kills your soul. The happiness I thought I had in those days was nothing more than comfort of routine and fear of change, and I really had to be jolted to get out of that deceptive trap. Although I wouldn't relive that adjustment phase again for any amount of money or reward, I will say that I'm glad it happened, because my life is in a much better place, and the happiness I have now is based not on "comfort," but on faith and gratitude for a life that I finally realize is filled to overflowing with blessings. I had it backwards, and that's been part of my anger and adjustment problems to this big life change since 2010. That was a major revelation to me, and it helped me to start making steps in a positive direction in my own attitude and expectations of life.

So am I still going through with the big life evaluation and purge I planned for January 1? It doesn't look like I need to. I see where things fit now, and I also see the progress and change on the horizon that I was  hoping for.

Well, I think that's quite enough for one day. I hope you're all doing well. Take care, and have a great weekend.

Bye!

I spent a good deal of yesterday afternoon restoring my phone after getting the iOS7 update. Apparently, something went wrong when I updated it, and the phone typed very slow. Rick suggested restoring it and reinstalling the system, which took a while, but worked. And now that it's working right, I'm still adjusting. It's different, but I'm willing to see how well this works. I do like the "look" of it better, but getting to know the functions are another story. I'm sure it will probably work out fine.

You know me - I'm willing to give change a chance. It is, after all, the path to progress. There are some times, however, when I wondered whether our steps forward were actually taking us in the direction we want to go. Not many,  mind you. Only a few. In fact, I can only think of 3 times when I thought the steps forward were a bad idea:

1. Smartphones are getting bigger. I thought the point of a cell phone was compact convenience of use. As it is, my iPhone 4S will barely fit in the pockets of most of my pants, and there's no way the more updated models would. Screens are getting bigger, and it seems that would make it more awkward to carry and handle. Pretty soon, they'll be as big as tablets, and then how's that going to work for those of us that don't like belt clips? I don't know about this one. I know I'll eventually have to upgrade, but I certainly hope they slim down the size before that day comes. Otherwise, I'm holding on to what I have until it dies.

2. Houses don't have laundry rooms any more. Sometime in the late 80's and early 90's, house designers decided that hallways and laundry rooms were a waste of space. They  elected to make the "living areas" (dens, kitchens, bedrooms, bathrooms, etc) larger, shorten halls, and have a "utility closet" instead of a laundry room or mud room. On the hallway issue, I agree - that's a complete waste of space. But the utility closet is something I think was a bad idea, and it's from experience in not one but 2 houses. Both in my parents house (built in 1989) and ours (built in 2007), that "utility closet" creates what I refer to as a "barricade of doors." What I mean is that the closets are usually shoved in spaces like entry ways or back pantries, around other doors and cabinets. If you're doing laundry and you need to go in one of those cabinets or rooms, you literally get trapped in a maze of open doors and can't move unless you close a door. It's definitely an accessibility problem. And while I understand the "out of sight, out of mind" problem with laundry rooms and washers in garages and basements (the concept that you're more likely to forget you're doing laundry if the washing/drying area is isolated), at least you don't have the problem of the washer or dryer doing the jig and making a racket on a large load of laundry while you're trying to watch your favorite TV show and drowning out the TV. I don't get it. Why could they fit a laundry room in my parents old house, or our old house, which was 1200 square feet, but in houses that are nearly twice that size - nope, just can't work that out.

3. "Basic" cars that are as tripped out at the Starship Enterprise - and cost about as much too. It's literally impossible to get a car for under $20,000 any more unless you buy a clunker that will be in the shop and still cost you as much as a car payment every month. That's just ridiculous. I can understand needing built in GPS, satellite radio, and all the bells and whistles if you drive a lot, but if you're like me and your daily commute doesn't even take you out of the county, then it's not worth it. Why on earth do basic cars need all of THAT, and why is it not possible to get something for under 20K that's less than 5 years old? Go ahead, tell me I don't get it. You're darn right about that. It's not worth dropping that kind of money on something I'm in for around 30-35 minutes a day. And yet, I must if I want it to be dependable to get me the 2 miles up and down the Interstate that I need every day, because we have absolutely no public transit where I live. 

Maybe I don't get it, as I said. I don't know. These are just a few things that I feel that "progress" have made more complicated than they need to be. 

That's all today. I hope you have a good week. 

Bye! 

In my last entry, I made the comment that it's impossible to know what the modern workplace is like because of the tremendous power of change. I'd like to expand on this comment in this entry, and muse over how this trend has the potential to leak out of the workplace and into other areas of life now.

It started with technology. Computers revolutionized the workplace, and there's no denying that it made drastic improvements. Frankly, I can't imagine how people of previous generations ran an effective office with things as archaic as file cabinets and typewriters. They managed, but now we're moving at the speed of light, at least in offices. I remember a colleague once saying "remember when we sent out notification letters? It would take a week or more for people to reply to them now. Now it's notification emails and thanks to smartphones, our own phones blow up within seconds of hitting "send." It's true. Things move faster now, and they have more ways in than ever. Is it a good thing? All in all, probably so. Things get done faster and have the potential to get done more efficiently. But notice the adjective that's more active than the actual verb in that sentence: potential. Because efficiency depends largely on effective and (most importantly) wise implementation. And this requires having people that make sound decisions and are willing to learn and grow with the changes this improvement brings.

Yes, technology is ever changing, and it requires people in the workforce to keep changing with it. Nothing stays the same, and now we're morphing with the speed of development. You always have to be willing to grow and learn, to embrace new things and let go of old things that might be comforting, but are no longer effective. The good new is that this change, when done with pure motives and right intentions, is the path to progress. You learn, you grow, and hopefully you take those lessons into your personal life and see what you gained continue to bless your life.

Ah, but there's another side to this, and here's the catch. This is where the shapeshifter comes into play, because the constant change in the workplace started with technology, but it oozed it's hand into other aspects of the workplace as well. Changes in how things are done require changes in management, changes in staff, changes in operations. It doesn't stop with the machines. Integrating the machines changes the people, and the way people operate. It means that we must not only adapt to how the machines help us to do our work better, but we also must embrace how the machines change the human element of the workplace. And this, folks, is where we run into issues, because machines don't have a mind and will of their own, but people do, and they aren't afraid to use it. For better or for worse, and sadly, the tendency to react rather than reflect and act in faith means that this element is subject to lots of rash decisions and acts that aren't always conductive to progress.

I've come to realize that there are two kinds of change. The first kind is the progressive kind that I discussed above. An opportunity opens and it's given thoughtful deliberation and consideration. People take advantage of that opportunity and more opportunities arise from it. Yes, it's hard and it requires change, learning new things, and forging into new areas, but the hard work is worth it and beyond the growning pains come progress that lead to a "golden age" of productivity and success. This is the kind of change we should always embrace, and that we shouldn't fear. Yes, it takes hard work to do new things, but the work of laying that solid foundation pays off when you build something that's stronger and better for a new day. Often, the things you learn from these "hard seasons of growth" can be implemented into other areas of life which spurs more growth and more blessing. It can have a chain reaction. One example of this: My office move 3 years ago gave me the courage and strength to start the process of becoming an independent author. The trials I went through getting those programs moved opened my eyes to every area of life, and I realized that I had spent a lot of years submitting my writing to traditional publishers in a sinking economy that had bolted their doors closed to new authors and weren't listening. "If they stop listening, stop talking," someone advised me around that time (of a different situation, but ...) and one day I stumbled upon a CNN article about how ebooks were outselling hardbacks and the light went off. I dug in to edit and revamp my approach, submitted to epublishers and mixed in some self publishing, and now 3 years and 7 books later, I finally have the foundation laid that I was waiting for someone else to do for far too long. I lost my fear of taking chances, I found the courage to make bold moves of faith on my own, and I finally got the ball rolling on the progress I had prayed for. That success gave me the courage to stand firm, to learn what I needed to learn, and to work with others to make the move successful, and it was. Progressive change at work had a 2 for 1 special in my life: the work move was successful despite setbacks and challenges along the way, and I got established as an independent author.

Ah, but there's another kind of change, and sadly I see it in my life now. It's change born of fear, and this is almost always detrimental. Sadly, progressive change usually gives way to this. Things move along well and people are happy with how it's going, but then something happens that changes some element that everybody was comfortable with. Usually, it has to do with setbacks, challenges, changes in leadership, or an unexpected loss of some sort. People get scared and react. Instead of asking "okay, what can we do to stabilize the situation and are there any opportunities from this, no matter how small, that we can seize and use to rebuild?" they ask "how do we protect ourselves." The motives shift from purity (doing better) to selfish (save me!), and that's the road to destruction. Change is not about progress, but about re-establishing control, protecting the "status quo," and preventing more damage. This is where you run into trouble, because damage control is never productive and that's looking at the situation from the wrong end. I think we all remember Yoda's logic in Star Wars Episode 1 - "fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side." That's not fiction; it's face. People get scared and they react. Then they get mad because things aren't working out. Then the anger replaces all semblance of reason, and it becomes a battle. As Loki so eloquently put it in The Avengers, freedom leads to a mad scramble of power. Yep, he had a grain of truth there too. It's scary.

Take it from one that's seeing it unfold. There are changes afoot in an area of my life now, and I find myself surrounded by a lot of fear. It's disturbing. I find myself pondering a lot of things, but foremost amongst them is protecting the progress I've worked so hard to achieve over the past few years. An emerging culture of fear could well do that, at least in this one area, and that means that a fight is on. It might already be on, because these spiritual things are a whole different battlefield. That's one song I do not want to sing another verse of in my life. I pray over it a lot, because I don't want to become another soldier of fear. I'm determined to stand firm and to protect the progress I've made. Fear is the devil's best tool, and by the power of Christ I will stand. I pray such courage will spread to others as well. That's a good infection that we desperately need.

Change will happen, and it can be tough to discern whether you're seeing the progressive or the destructive kind. All change is scary because it usually means challenges, hard work, sacrifice, and learning. Growth is hard because it stretches us to new places, but in the end it's good. And destruction also hurts because, well, it's supposed to hurt. There's nothing good about it and being torn down is a catalyst to find some courage and fight against whatever is trying to undo the progress you've done. In the end, you have to keep your head about you and discern the motives for the change. Pray, meditate, dig deep, ask questions, ponder the situation, and find out if the motive is pure. If it is, then you're being called upon to grow and it's a challenge and an opportunity to accept. If it's born of fear, sharpen your sword and get ready to fight because it's on like Donkey Kong, and you better be ready to stand firm or you'll get smashed by barrels of defeat.

And with that dated and somewhat lame analogy, I will call the point made and the entry done. I hope you have a great weekend and that all of you dad's out there have a Happy Father's Day tomorrow.

Bye!

There are some phrases in widespread, common use that seem to be universal hot buttons to piss people off. Really, I don’t understand how it became commonplace for people to say things that erode the very respect that relationships are built on, and yet I hear people say it – and complain about having these things said to them – frequently. 

Certainly, we should always be honest and authentic in our dealings with people, but discernment is an absolute necessity in our dealings with ALL people. Just because it flies through your brain doesn’t mean it needs to fly out of your mouth, and in fact there are many times when it’s best to keep that thought in your head and fake it till you make it with your words (or silence, depending on the situation). For example, here are some phrases you should eliminate (or at least, drastically reduce) in your vocabulary that will garner more respect, motivate people to cooperate and work well with you, and make you appear more intelligent and savvy:

1.   “Whatever.” Nothing coveys the ignorant-inconsiderate-jerk trifecta like this one word phrase. You have the entire English language at your disposal and that’s all you’ve got? If it is, then it’s time to recognize the uncomfortable fact that sometimes, the best course of action is to gracefully back away and let silence be golden. And if you refuse to exercise the right to remain silent, then a simple “I hope that works out for you and wish you luck” is much more dignified than throwing out something that makes you look like a cross between an immature tween and a person that’s learning English as a second language -  and isn’t quite getting it.

2.    “Do what you’ve got to do.” I don’t hear this one as much as I used to, but it’s still out there, and it’s a sin for the same reasons as “whatever.” More accurately, that’s redneck for “I don’t like what you’re doing and would move Heaven and Earth to stop you, but that would reveal me as a selfish jerk to the rest of the world and I don’t want to do that, so go on and get this over with so you can get back to doing things that make me happy.” It isn’t your job to like or even understand everything that other people do, so let go and accept that people have a right to lead their lives, do things, and make decisions that work best for them regardless of what you say, think, or need. Instead, say “I understand this is important to you.” Even if you don’t and you hope it blows up in their face, just fake it and at least acknowledge their right to live as they see fit.  Because I guarantee you’ve done things that made them go “Hmmm” in the past . Plus,  if you want people to stay interested in your life, then you have to at least act like you give a crap about them and their life, even if you don’t care about them any more than you care about the extra 40 minutes in a Martian day. 

3.   “That’s not my problem.” I stand back when people say this because it’s an open invitation for the universe to hit you with its best shot, and that’s a challenge it ALWAYS accepts. Sure, you aren’t responsible for every single thing that happens in the world, and there are some things that aren’t your business, but have some dignity in declining to accept responsibility that you feel isn’t yours. “I’m sorry I can’t help you with that” is much more gracious and doesn’t invite fate, the universe, the world, or whatever you wish to call it to deliver an entirely new batch of problems into your life. Fake sympathy for the other persons’ plight even if you don’t really feel it because you WILL be at the receiving end of this one day, and the measure you get will be the measure you’ve given. It happens to us all.

4.  “You don’t really want that,” or “Stop wasting your time on that and do this instead.” Excuse me, when did God appoint you to His position, because that’s what it looks like you’re playing at with either variation of this. You have no way of knowing what’s in other peoples’ hearts or what plans are in store for them, and they aren’t required to get your approval for it, either. People have a right to make their own decisions. You never know what might happen and statements like this may very well make a fool of you one day. Don’t take a chance. 

5.  “I told you so.” Even if you preface it with the I-hate-to-say-it-but clause, it’s still ridiculous because they already know. Demonstrate some maturity and don’t gloat over somebody’s failings, even if they asked for it and everybody knew it was foolishness from the start. As I said in the last statement, people have a right to make their own decisions and that means having the grace to let them make their own mistakes. Pray they’ve learned from the experience, and don’t gloat lest you wander into folly someday. Because none of us are as smart as we think we are. 
 
6.    “ I did that too, and let me tell you how I did it better.” Nobody likes a know-it-all or a show off, and a constant need to one-up people blinks “I’m insecure!” brighter than a digital billboard. You don’t have to be in the spotlight every minute of every day. Back down and let others have their day in the sun every now and then. Because we all know that nobody’s done everything under the sun, and there will always be people out there that have done it bigger, better and more recently than you have. Let go of the competition to always be #1 and learn to be happy with the life the Lord gave you.

7.   “If I were you, I’d …” Turn off anybody that prefaces a statement with this immediately, because it’s a clear sign that they don’t know what they’re talking about. Wisdom gives options. Experience shares insight. Ignorance says that if they were you, they’d go out and kick the world in the you-know-where, and that’s most often foolishness that would make a bigger mess of things if anybody were dumb enough to take this advice. Plus, they wouldn’t have the guts to actually do it, because some people are good at telling people to do things they wouldn’t dare do themselves.

8.     “You should make them do it.” Guess what? Scientists have found the center of the universe and it’s not you. That’s the fastest way to run a person out of your life. You don’t make anybody do anything they don’t want to do, and if you try to then trust me – you’re ego can’t handle what they really think about you. If you have to control someone every minute to “keep them in line,” then you’re trying to force them into a place or relationship where they don’t belong. Don’t beg people to be your friend or try to force them to your will. Pray for what Joyce Meyer refers to as “divine connections.” Those are friends and acquaintances that you get along with so well that you don’t want to change them because you appreciate how their uniqueness enriches your life. 

9.     “I would NEVER do that/accept that/put up with that.” Never say never or the Lord will make you do it to show you who the boss really is. One never in your life that’s absolute: you never know what life has in store for you. Someday you could well be dining on crow while dealing with something that you thought you were too smart/special/good for. Life has a way of humbling us, and the “I would never” statements are a GPS on how to get that done. 

10.   Anything other than “I’m sorry for your loss” and “I’m praying for you and your family” at a visitation or funeral. Anything else sounds stupid and believe me, there’s nothing clever or inspirational you can say that will get through people in the depths of grief. The dumbest things I’ve ever heard have all been said at visitations and/or funerals because people try to justify death and offer comfort in religious platitudes. Folks, I’m Christian too, but this isn’t seminary or time to play preacher. I remember what C.S. Lewis wrote about death not being natural because human beings weren’t created to die and it’s the most painful consequence that we pay for sin. He’s absolutely right. There’s nothing right about death and there’s no way to wrap it up in pretty phrases or platitudes that makes it suck less. So give it up. Don’t engage in conversations with the bereaved if they try to start one, either. This isn’t the time or place to engage in theological discussions, discuss anything beyond condolences for the loss (no gossip or “what’s up with me” statements), and it certainly isn’t appropriate to leverage your personality or make a big impression. It’s a subdued occasion so dial it down, make an appearance, and for goodness sake, shut up.

Maybe you relate to some of this and are nodding, saying thank you for revealing it! Or maybe you see it as a calling out. I certainly don’t mean it that way, and I admit that I’m guilty of uttering some of these phrases. In fact, I  had to work at cutting the “whatever” and “I told you so” out of my vocabulary, and I get along with people so much better now that it’s gone. My point is not to say “shame on you.” It’s  to shed light on small things that chip away at trust and give guidance that I’ve learned in building bridges to cooperative relationships that last. It takes time and effort, but if modifying my vocabulary slightly will help with that, then it’s an effort worth making. I believe if you’ve read this far then you believe it’s a worthy effort, too.

That’s all today. Take care. I hope you have a Happy Friday tomorrow and a great weekend. 
 
Bye!

It happens every time I finish a major writing project - I crash. It's been so hard motivating myself to do anything this week, and the fact that my sinuses have been acting up isn't helping. I tell you, life just seems kind of dull when you don't have a writing project to work on. Everything is humdrum. Work. Chores, Errands. So some promotional work on the published books. Go to sleep. Repeat next day.

Well, it is still winter, but spring is coming. Soon, it will be time to get the roses going for another growing season. The days will get longer, especially when we go back on daylights saving time. It will warm up. My muse will return and I should be working on short stories again. The new person in the office will start soon and license renewals will end soon, so maybe this avalanche that's had me buried since November will let up enough to remind me that the sun is still shining out there and allow some fresh air to rush in. And maybe, one day, by the grace of God, we'll get a new pastor at church. Finally.

There is hope on the  horizon. It's keeping up the momentum to get from here to there that's the challenge. Because if you want to see progress, you have to keep at it, right?

Well, the past few months have been a lot of work, so maybe slowing the pace is the right thing to do, at least for a little while. We only have so much energy, and I just spent a lot of it in an explosion to get these two works published. I'll keep doing promotional things, of course, but maybe it is time for me to back off for just a bit and take a writing break, at least. I think the short story endeavors can wait another week or two without causing the apocolypse to happen.

Yes, the crash has happened, but it's natural. Some people call it "writer's block" and get very frustrated with it, but I've been writing long enough to know that this too shall pass. I'll keep promoting. Keep blogging, of course. And I know that once my muse has an opportunity to get the rest it needs, it will start working again. And the momentum will continue.

That's all today. Take care and enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Bye!

As we head into a new year, I ponder my resolution to have better balance in my life on a number of levels. One of those (very important) levels is in the area of stress reduction and reducing worry in my life. I think these are things we all struggle with, and recently I've come to realize there's a great deal that we impose on ourselves, especially when it comes to our relationships.

This realization came after having several people tell me things that other people said and/or did over the past few weeks and asked what I thought of it. I remembered that when I was under a therapist while going through my life changes a few years ago, one of the things she told me was that the secret to finding balance was realizing what was and wasn't my business. "You concern yourself with your responsibilities and what you control and let go of the things in the hands of others," she said. That's certainly true, and in fact remembering this advice upon being asked my opinion on these various situations and issues made me realize that people, in general, bring on a lot of their own stress by worrying about or fretting over things that other people think, say or do - things they have absolutely no control over.

Why do we do this? My first reaction was that it's arrogance. Frankly, we all have a tendency to beleive that everything is all about us - and that's wrong. The truth is that everything people think, say and do is all about THEM. It's a reflection of how they see the world. Even if they say that "others made me do it," the truth is that they made the decision on how to perceive things and on how to proceed. Nobody "makes" anybody do anything. Plus, by nature, people are going to do what's best for them and the ones closest to them. Why should they do something that benefits you 100% and them none at all when you aren't the center of THEIR world?

So there's one reason, but I don't think that's all of it, nor the major portion. In fact, I think if that were the whole reason, then it would mean that people in general are extremely selfish and short sighted, and I don't believe that such a narrow view applies to most people most of the time. Some maybe, but absolutely not all. Maybe not most. And remember, I said there's some truth to this. Maybe it's a small part, but I don't think that's a "once size fits all" explanation for it. Most people learn, grow, and gain a wider perspective on the world and as such, they aren't so shallow.

I believe another reason is that we want everybody to like us. The problem is, I recently read that there was actually some scientific study that at least 10% of people aren't going to like you. Frankly, I was surprised the percentage was that low. I thought it would be closer to 30%, but the latest study I read said 10% so we'll run with that. Why is this? Plain and simple, personality differences. Some types just don't play well together. If you don't believe it, ask any extremely emotional person I've come in contact with and they'll tell you I'm mean and don't give a crap about their feelings. I am, by nature, a person that leans more toward logic and reason in making decisions than emotion. I usually don't get along well with extremely emotional types that "just want peace" and "want everybody happy right now" because I beleive happiness comes from investing the time and hard work to do things right no matter how you feel about it "right now." If you do what's right, then it will work out in the end, and that's a happiness that last; not a vapor of high emotion that wears off when the party is over and the consequences have to be paid. In fact, since I've been working in professional licensing, I'd say my tendency to make decisions based on logic and reason have become a stronger  because by nature of my profession, I'm obligated to do what's right no matter how people feel about it. I don't think that's a bad thing (of course), but I've caught some flack about it because I'm female, and by stereotype I'm supposed to be all about feelings. While I'm ok to say "alright, forget the 10% and thank God for and enjoy the other 90%, well, some people get awfully fixated on that 10% and believe that if they work harder then they can get a 100% approval rating. It seems their effort would be better spent nurturing relationships with the other 90% but in fact, sometimes they turn on the ones on their side to gain approval they'll never have, counting on forgiveness from that 90% that might come, but not realizing that it will have a higher price than they bargained for because broken trust is a very hard thing to rebuild. But it happens, all the time. I've experienced it; I've seen it; I've written about it. Hey, I'm a writer. The ugly underside of humanity is a playground of inspiration. Expose it to me at your own risk.

Just kidding - maybe. And a sidenote on the emotion thing: I'm interested to see if the stereotype of "hysterical emotion" in  women downplays as more generations of women have careers.Working women don't have time to fret over every little wayward comment, rolled eye, questionable social media post, tear or tirade that comes their way. Or at least, me and my colleagues don't. But we'll see as time tells this particular tale.

So there's that. But not all people are emotional and out for approval ratings that would make politicians jealous, so reason #2 can't apply to everybody. But it does apply to enough that I believe it should be considered.

There is one more reason, and I think it applies to most of us. I believe the reason people get tied up in what others think, say and do is because they don't want to be alone in how they think or feel. They want to know that others agree with them. They want others to have an opinion with them, or to get mad with them, or to be sad with them, or to take up the cause with them because they don't want to be the only freak swimming against the tide. They want to know they're like everybody else and what the other person is doing is wild/selfish/stupid/crazy/nonsense/whatever. They don't want to be alone in their opinion or feelings because they don't want to look in the mirror and ask "is it them, or is it me?" We all want to be right. We all want the world to understand that our opinion is just as important as everybody elses'. We all want respect. Nobody wants to be a nobody. They want people to know that they're here, that they have value, and that they are just as important as the other 7+ billion people in the world.

Here's the thing, though: Going about it by getting tangled up in other peoples' business is a sign of insecurity. If you truly walk in faith and you're confident in yourself as the authentic human being you were created to be, then you don't need to beg or scream for attention. You humbly go about your own business, believing that the life God set before and the purposes you serve speak for themselves. 

That's the cure. That's how you break free from this stress. You get busy living your own life and tending to your own businss and have the grace to accept others and the decisions they make without intruding into their lives with your opinions.

Does this mean you ignore others and don't care what they do? Of course not. You should always do your best to help people in need and if there's something you can do to help others on their life path, you certainly should. The key is to use common sense and discernment. Yes, we all have opinions on things, but we don't need to share them all the time. Everything that flies through your head doesn't need to fly out of your mouth. If you aren't asked for your opinion or advice, assume it's not wanted or needed and keep it to yourself. I'd even go so far as to say that you should still use caution in giving advice even if you ARE asked for it. As one of the elves said in The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring, "elves don't give advice because all paths may run ill." Think before you speak. If in doubt, don't. And realize that advice is a take it or leave it thing - and in many cases, people leave it, so be prepared to have your advice or opinion rejected just in case and be prepared to not get offended. And please, for the love of God, if it won't make any difference and you have a thought - don't. Stop right there and go no further. If it's done and/or there's no way it's changing no matter what anybody says and you really need to get it out, set up a private blog or buy a journal to work it out, but don't go off on tirades and complain to everybody in the world about things you can't control involving people close to you. And don't ask or expect people to take sides with you unless you want to do the equivalent of renting a billboard that says I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. It makes you look bad and it makes other people run like hell from you when they see you coming. If it's something so big that you can't live with it, find a way to either deal with it or distance yourself from the situation. Just because a war's going on doesn't mean you have to be a soldier in it. Other people might want you to have their problems, but they can't draft you. You don't have to accept them and if you choose not to accept their problems, well then, it's over.

The point of this mile long blog is that I'm coming to understand that balance is something that we have to strive for in every area of life, and personal relationships are certainly a big element there. We do live in the world, with people, so having good, balanced relationships is an extremely important thing. And one way we can achieve balance in our relationships is by not being a busybody, minding our own business, and having the grace to let it be.

Thanks for hanging in there with me on this one. I hope you had a Happy Friday and that you have a great weekend.

Bye!