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My Lenten Journey 2 - Personal Responsibility

3/12/2014

 
I finished the rough draft of Rearview Mirror yesterday. This novel is the sequel to Move, which I published last year. If you follow this blog regularly or follow me on social media, you know that the idea for this book started at me last December, when I felt a strong sense of dissatisfaction over the conclusion to Move and an obligation to “finish out” the story right. At the time, it struck me as curious, because I typically don’t do sequels, but for some reason, I felt that things weren’t properly dealt with in Move. So I researched, and I brainstormed, and I started a rough draft on New Year’s Day – a draft that really poked along, because I only got the inspiration for it in bits and pieces, writing perhaps 3-4 chapters per week. Then the whole thing exploded last week, and suddenly I knew exactly what needed to happen and how to pull it off. I went on a writing binge from late last week until yesterday and lo and behold, the draft is done.

The really amazing thing about this book is that I didn’t fully realize why I wrote it until I finished it yesterday. All along, I thought I was finishing an incomplete story, but as I typed the final sentence, it occurred to me: it wasn’t just about tying up loose ends; it was about personal responsibility. Almost every character in Move made poor judgments that followed through with bad decisions, and it was time for them to stand up to it – because really, that’s the only way any of them could really and truly move on.

Personal responsibility – what an unpopular topic! I probably just scared away my entire readership by saying my current work in progress is about that dirty concept!

I don’t think any of us would argue that personal responsibility is an issue that a lot of people have a problem with. We all know people that cast the blame for everything wrong with their life on others and how they’ve failed. If only this person did this, or that person did that, or these people were more attentive to my needs, or if I could finally get the upper hand on that uppity person, then my life would be better. Many people have too many expectations and too little acceptance in life, and as a result, they’re perpetually miserable, constantly in conflict with others, and angry at the world.

Personal responsibility isn’t a popular subject because it points to the one inevitable fact that none of us like: scientists have found the center of the universe, and it’s not me. It's not you. It's not any human being. The throne we think we sit on in our life is already occupied, and God isn't moving over for any mere mortal.

I heard the DJ on BBN this morning talking about how Christians are supposed to live wanting to serve God’s will. I think this is the core of personal responsibility. You’re living in God’s will, and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Veer off the path, and He’ll rewrite it to what He wants, but it will be harder. Because doing what’s wrong never leads to what’s right.

Certainly, there are times when we find ourselves at odds with other people, circumstances, or situations. Life isn’t perfect and in fact, we’re promised that problems will come. But we don’t have to make it worse with bad decisions that create unnecessary drama. Life will give you enough problems. I know I’m not in the market for any more problems, especially self-imposed ones or ones that aren’t my business. Are you?

One amazing thing I saw as Rearview Mirror developed is how four characters who were loosely connected and often at odds in Move came together to face the culmination of their problems. Throughout Move, these characters were in conflict, trying to one up, set up, or dodge one another in an isolated scramble to get what they wanted. Rearview Mirror brought them back together and forced them confront a new antagonist that took advantage of the chaos their poor choices created. They had to make a decision: keep fighting and go down one by one, or work together to make things right.  Even I was surprised by some of the decisions they made, given their unbreakable stubbornness in Move. But I have to stop here, lest I give too much away. You’ll just have to wait until it’s published to find out what happened!

And so, on this second week of Lent, I ponder what personal responsibility means to me, and how my journey through Rearview Mirror reflects my own life. Certainly, we’ve all had times when we stubbornly pursued our own way, just to be broken by the very thing we hoped to defeat. We don’t understand that everything has bigger reasons, and that being part of a bigger plan means that sometimes things help and sometimes they hurt. Humility comes at a high price if you place any value on pride. Ah, but pride is one of the deadly sins, so is breaking it really a loss?

Jesus spent 40 days in the desert being tempted by Satan and standing for what He knew was right, but in reality that battle isn’t limited to times and seasons. It’s something we face every day, in situations big and small, and we alone are responsible for which way we decide. C.S. Lewis once wrote that every decision we make takes us one step closer to Heaven or one step closer to hell, but the decision is ours to make each and every time. This is what personal responsibility is really about. Are your decisions taking you in the direction you want to go? If not, only you can reset the sails. In the end, each of us is ultimately responsible for our own soul.

That’s all today. Take care, and have a good rest of the week.

Bye!

 

Paradigm Shifts

8/26/2013

 
On this, my 38th birthday, I find my self pondering the progress of the past year. I suppose this is a natural thing to do on a birthday. On first glance it could seem disappointing, as there are no "major" changes to report, but that's actually deceptive. There have been changes in the past year, but they've been more in the way of "shifts" instead of what could be clearly defined as "changed." I suppose this sounds somewhat elusive, so of course I'm going to explain.

The progress of the past year has actually been more in the way of building on things that have already been in motion. While it doesn't seem that much has changed - after all, life is progressing along very much the same today as it was a year ago - I can't say that I think about or feel the way that I did about life as I did one, two, or five years ago. In fact, as I ponder it, I notice that my paradigm has shifted quite a bit in the last 4 years. I suppose this is natural. My job changed and I finally broke into publication with my writing in 2010 - 2011, and while these things are "the norm" in my life right now, I see how incorporating those changes into my life has changed my view of life and the world. My basic morals haven't changed. That's not something that's likely to change. But the way you see the world around you and apply those morals can change, and I'm starting to see the evidence that it's happened. When you walk in faith long enough, you delve deeper into things, and that's certainly what's happened to me.

So how have I changed? For one, I'm seeing a whole new application of the concept of "reaping and sowing," as described in Galatians 6:7. You all know that this is one thing that my grandfather was a big believer in, and I took it to heart. But this verse applies to more than just relationships with other people and how you treat them - it also applies to progress and purpose in life. In fact, if you shift two more verses you'll read that "in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart." (Galatians 6:9) After several years of hard work to re-establish myself professionally in my current workplace and to get my writing established, I see the value of patience in all that we do. If life really is a series of ups and downs, reaping and sowing, then that has big implications for all of life. If we choose to only allow ourselves to be happy on the mountaintop, when we're reaping the rewards of our labors, then we're guaranteed to be miserable (or at least, withholding our own happiness) at least 50% of our life. Folks, that just isn't acceptable to me. That's not going to do it. Sure, there are some people that enjoy being miserable and whining and complaining to get attention, but that's not the way I choose.

I know from experience that there are blessings in every day because I've been through the major life changes when I looked back and realized that there were little blessings that I took for granted, and I was sorry for it. An example: before my writing was published, I used to do counted cross stitching and wrote short stories. Much to my surprise, I find that I have very little time for that now, between promoting my published works and creating new ones. I love my writing and pray daily that it will continue to grow and reach more people - in fact, I'm prayerfully striving to make a break into science fiction with Splinter this fall - but there are some days when I miss having the time to cross stitch, or to goof off on Writing.com with short story contests. I didn't realize how much time these things filled in my life until my writing grew to the point where I had to make decisions about what stayed and what went. I still stitch occasionally, but large projects are out now. And as for short stories, they take me longer to write, prepare, and complete than they once did. And ditto for the work move. I was glad to make it and still believe it was the best, but I didn't realize the little things I took for granted, like talking to a couple of my friends when things got slow, the great walking paths on the State House grounds, a covered parking spot or those outstanding subs for a great price on Tuesdays and Fridays. Yes, I've gained a lot through both changes. I wouldn't undo either of them or the world because I gained a lot more than I lost. But I did learn to not despise the small things, and to appreciate the small blessings that go with each day as well as the big things we work so hard to cultivate and grow in our lives.

Some people say this means to "enjoy the journey on the way to where you go," but I think there's a deeper meaning than that. A devotion I read recently said, "God doesn't want you to be happy. He wants you to do what's right." That really hit me and helped me to get a grasp on my own paradigm shift. I used to think that the point was about being happy, and I actually worried for a little while, wondering if I'd ever be happy like I was before. I see now that I won't, because happy is a side effect. The purpose of life is not to serve our feelings, but to do what we're supposed to be doing and work hard to do what's right for our purpose in life. If you are faithful in well doing and obedient to the spirit, there's a contentment to your life that nothing - situations, circumstances, or other people and their attitudes (because that really reflects on them more than anything else, but that's a pondering for another entry) - can affect. You can rest in knowing that you're doing all you can, and that allows you to enjoy the blessings of every day, large or small. And contentment is better than happiness. It's more stable, because you can still see the blessing in what you have even if a thousand aggravations are bleeding out of them. It's built on a firmer foundation that gives you the patience to hold out for the "bigger picture" even if you don't understand what the point is (as is often the case). It's built on a trust between you and the Lord and nobody else can put their hands on it. And that can give you the courage to do what's right, even in the face of ridicule, opposition, or doubt. Happiness is transient and comes and goes with circumstances. Contentment is faith in action.

No, the earth hasn't moved in the last year. Things look much the same today as they do every other day. But I know they aren't. I see how the work at the everyday levels is building to something new and better. I might not know what yet, but when it is revealed then I'll reap a reward in due season, and be glad I didn't lose heart.

That's all today. I hope you have a great week.

Bye!

10 Things We Shouldn't Say

5/30/2013

 
There are some phrases in widespread, common use that seem to be universal hot buttons to piss people off. Really, I don’t understand how it became commonplace for people to say things that erode the very respect that relationships are built on, and yet I hear people say it – and complain about having these things said to them – frequently. 

Certainly, we should always be honest and authentic in our dealings with people, but discernment is an absolute necessity in our dealings with ALL people. Just because it flies through your brain doesn’t mean it needs to fly out of your mouth, and in fact there are many times when it’s best to keep that thought in your head and fake it till you make it with your words (or silence, depending on the situation). For example, here are some phrases you should eliminate (or at least, drastically reduce) in your vocabulary that will garner more respect, motivate people to cooperate and work well with you, and make you appear more intelligent and savvy:

1.   “Whatever.” Nothing coveys the ignorant-inconsiderate-jerk trifecta like this one word phrase. You have the entire English language at your disposal and that’s all you’ve got? If it is, then it’s time to recognize the uncomfortable fact that sometimes, the best course of action is to gracefully back away and let silence be golden. And if you refuse to exercise the right to remain silent, then a simple “I hope that works out for you and wish you luck” is much more dignified than throwing out something that makes you look like a cross between an immature tween and a person that’s learning English as a second language -  and isn’t quite getting it.

2.    “Do what you’ve got to do.” I don’t hear this one as much as I used to, but it’s still out there, and it’s a sin for the same reasons as “whatever.” More accurately, that’s redneck for “I don’t like what you’re doing and would move Heaven and Earth to stop you, but that would reveal me as a selfish jerk to the rest of the world and I don’t want to do that, so go on and get this over with so you can get back to doing things that make me happy.” It isn’t your job to like or even understand everything that other people do, so let go and accept that people have a right to lead their lives, do things, and make decisions that work best for them regardless of what you say, think, or need. Instead, say “I understand this is important to you.” Even if you don’t and you hope it blows up in their face, just fake it and at least acknowledge their right to live as they see fit.  Because I guarantee you’ve done things that made them go “Hmmm” in the past . Plus,  if you want people to stay interested in your life, then you have to at least act like you give a crap about them and their life, even if you don’t care about them any more than you care about the extra 40 minutes in a Martian day. 

3.   “That’s not my problem.” I stand back when people say this because it’s an open invitation for the universe to hit you with its best shot, and that’s a challenge it ALWAYS accepts. Sure, you aren’t responsible for every single thing that happens in the world, and there are some things that aren’t your business, but have some dignity in declining to accept responsibility that you feel isn’t yours. “I’m sorry I can’t help you with that” is much more gracious and doesn’t invite fate, the universe, the world, or whatever you wish to call it to deliver an entirely new batch of problems into your life. Fake sympathy for the other persons’ plight even if you don’t really feel it because you WILL be at the receiving end of this one day, and the measure you get will be the measure you’ve given. It happens to us all.

4.  “You don’t really want that,” or “Stop wasting your time on that and do this instead.” Excuse me, when did God appoint you to His position, because that’s what it looks like you’re playing at with either variation of this. You have no way of knowing what’s in other peoples’ hearts or what plans are in store for them, and they aren’t required to get your approval for it, either. People have a right to make their own decisions. You never know what might happen and statements like this may very well make a fool of you one day. Don’t take a chance. 

5.  “I told you so.” Even if you preface it with the I-hate-to-say-it-but clause, it’s still ridiculous because they already know. Demonstrate some maturity and don’t gloat over somebody’s failings, even if they asked for it and everybody knew it was foolishness from the start. As I said in the last statement, people have a right to make their own decisions and that means having the grace to let them make their own mistakes. Pray they’ve learned from the experience, and don’t gloat lest you wander into folly someday. Because none of us are as smart as we think we are. 
 
6.    “ I did that too, and let me tell you how I did it better.” Nobody likes a know-it-all or a show off, and a constant need to one-up people blinks “I’m insecure!” brighter than a digital billboard. You don’t have to be in the spotlight every minute of every day. Back down and let others have their day in the sun every now and then. Because we all know that nobody’s done everything under the sun, and there will always be people out there that have done it bigger, better and more recently than you have. Let go of the competition to always be #1 and learn to be happy with the life the Lord gave you.

7.   “If I were you, I’d …” Turn off anybody that prefaces a statement with this immediately, because it’s a clear sign that they don’t know what they’re talking about. Wisdom gives options. Experience shares insight. Ignorance says that if they were you, they’d go out and kick the world in the you-know-where, and that’s most often foolishness that would make a bigger mess of things if anybody were dumb enough to take this advice. Plus, they wouldn’t have the guts to actually do it, because some people are good at telling people to do things they wouldn’t dare do themselves.

8.     “You should make them do it.” Guess what? Scientists have found the center of the universe and it’s not you. That’s the fastest way to run a person out of your life. You don’t make anybody do anything they don’t want to do, and if you try to then trust me – you’re ego can’t handle what they really think about you. If you have to control someone every minute to “keep them in line,” then you’re trying to force them into a place or relationship where they don’t belong. Don’t beg people to be your friend or try to force them to your will. Pray for what Joyce Meyer refers to as “divine connections.” Those are friends and acquaintances that you get along with so well that you don’t want to change them because you appreciate how their uniqueness enriches your life. 

9.     “I would NEVER do that/accept that/put up with that.” Never say never or the Lord will make you do it to show you who the boss really is. One never in your life that’s absolute: you never know what life has in store for you. Someday you could well be dining on crow while dealing with something that you thought you were too smart/special/good for. Life has a way of humbling us, and the “I would never” statements are a GPS on how to get that done. 

10.   Anything other than “I’m sorry for your loss” and “I’m praying for you and your family” at a visitation or funeral. Anything else sounds stupid and believe me, there’s nothing clever or inspirational you can say that will get through people in the depths of grief. The dumbest things I’ve ever heard have all been said at visitations and/or funerals because people try to justify death and offer comfort in religious platitudes. Folks, I’m Christian too, but this isn’t seminary or time to play preacher. I remember what C.S. Lewis wrote about death not being natural because human beings weren’t created to die and it’s the most painful consequence that we pay for sin. He’s absolutely right. There’s nothing right about death and there’s no way to wrap it up in pretty phrases or platitudes that makes it suck less. So give it up. Don’t engage in conversations with the bereaved if they try to start one, either. This isn’t the time or place to engage in theological discussions, discuss anything beyond condolences for the loss (no gossip or “what’s up with me” statements), and it certainly isn’t appropriate to leverage your personality or make a big impression. It’s a subdued occasion so dial it down, make an appearance, and for goodness sake, shut up.

Maybe you relate to some of this and are nodding, saying thank you for revealing it! Or maybe you see it as a calling out. I certainly don’t mean it that way, and I admit that I’m guilty of uttering some of these phrases. In fact, I  had to work at cutting the “whatever” and “I told you so” out of my vocabulary, and I get along with people so much better now that it’s gone. My point is not to say “shame on you.” It’s  to shed light on small things that chip away at trust and give guidance that I’ve learned in building bridges to cooperative relationships that last. It takes time and effort, but if modifying my vocabulary slightly will help with that, then it’s an effort worth making. I believe if you’ve read this far then you believe it’s a worthy effort, too.

That’s all today. Take care. I hope you have a Happy Friday tomorrow and a great weekend. 
 
Bye!

Do This At Your Own Risk

4/18/2013

 
Okay folks, I want to open this by saying that this is not a “shame on you” entry. I know I’m going up against things that have existed since the dawn of time, and I don’t pretend that this entry will open eyes and magically change the world. I’m merely trying to raise awareness of unrecognized perils to something that we all do, and hope it will lead to some wisdom in actions. Likely not, but you can’t plead ignorance after reading this entry. 

I’ll cut to the chase. We all play favorites. It’s not a “thing” limited to certain places or relationships. We do it all the time and we do it everywhere. It happens in families (you know it does). It happens at work. It happens at church. It happens in clubs, societies, sororities, classrooms, emergency rooms, waiting rooms – hell, I’ve even seen it happen at the county dump when the cute blonde in the sporty car was waved ahead of me to empty trash. Call it “favoritism.” Call it “the good old boy system.” Call it “cliques” or “popularity contests.” Call it whatever you want. It happens.

I know everybody reading this is shouting and saying “oh hell no.” Oh hell yes. Let’s drop the pretense and b.s. for just a few minutes. I promise not to go on too long and you can resume the “formalities” momentarily. Besides, I’m trying to help you here. At least in my own, strip-off-the-nonsense-and-call-it-like-it-is way. And remember, I said we’re all guilty. Me too. You too. Everybody too. Even my birds have their “favorite humans.” This could well precede not only time and space, but all of creation. Partiality happens. There’s no stopping it. 

It’s a simple fact that yes, we are predisposed to react more favorably to some people and situations than others. It’s personality – some just go together better than others. It’s also life experience – we relate better to those that have faced similar experiences or have a similar lifestyle. There are complex nature/nurture forces at play that make us more receptive and gracious toward some people than others. Likewise, there are some types we throw up our guard against. I mentioned in the last entry that it miffs me that charisma wins over character so much – that’s because I’ve been the victim of people using charisma to hide serious character flaws several times. Their “God bless us every one” demeanor was hiding a nasty temper bent on utter annihilation. So naturally, I don’t trust “popular” people because I see the red lightsaber just waiting to stab me. 

That being said, it happens. Despite modern science, I doubt we ever unlock the secrets of the human personality. It’s too complex and this is one of those things that you can’t account for. We naturally like some people better than others. And conversely, we naturally dislike those that strike us unfavorably. There’s no cure for it. You can’t fix it and people are going to play favorites. It’s going to happen. Now here’s where we run into the problem:

 Nobody likes being a “not favorite.” Anytime you complement somebody, anytime you recognize somebody, anytime you put someone on a pedestal or offer public praise or thanks, then other people will feel left out and perceive it as a slight. Because no man is an island and no matter how wonderful Mr. or Miss Wonderful is, it’s unlikely they did it on their own. And, sad to say, some people are very good at getting other people to do everything and having the credit funneled directly to their feet. But that’s another entry for another day. Recognition – and especially public recognition – can open a nasty can of worms that you don’t even know until they’re crawling up your leg. At best, the people you failed to recognize will quit on you, and you’re setting your favorite to the test of picking up the load. At worst, they’ll turn on you. And God help you if it’s a former favorite that you’ve changed your mind about and they know stuff. Ouch.

So does that mean public recognition of good service should be banned? Not at all. I’m just saying that if you want the dog to stay in the yard, then you need to throw them a bone. And not just the head of the pack – everyone in the yard needs a bone. So if you’re going to thank people, be sure that you take off what I call the “swell guy” blinders and open your eyes to everybody. Don’t hold one person up unless you have darn strong justification to do it. And going the extra mile to find out what speaks to a person can also help. Some people don’t want public recognition. My colleagues are smart enough to know an occasional “thank you,” showing interest in my writing, and a bar-b-que luncheon once or twice a year will keep me from squawking like a pissed off parakeet. Which is hilarious, because it didn’t take them long to figure that out and my former colleagues never did get it. Some things are a mystery because you choose not to put forth the two seconds to notice, eh?

My point is this – we all play favorites, but it helps to check yourself every now and then. Showing favoritism is generally considered impolite,; and I know we don’t care for etiquette in the 21st century, but this is a formality that perhaps needs to be reinstated. Did you notice in the paragraph above that I was open to what types I’m not partial to, but I didn’t mention what types I am partial to? No way I’m telling that. But at least you know what raises my defenses, so there’s my attempt at leveling the playing field. Now you know a trigger to avoid with me. 

That being said, it might behoove you to quietly put your favorites in your inner circle and exercise discretion in your dealings. Don’t let it show. Throw the non-favorites something every now and then. And for goodness sake, if you do a public acknowledgement and get wind that somebody feels slighted, please take Dale Carnige’s advice to humbly apologize and rectify the situation. Digging in your heels and fighting to justify yourself won’t win friends or influence people.  Just say “sorry, I am grateful for you and will be glad to acknowledge it with an apology for leaving you out,” do it, and let it go. That’s character and will close out the situation much faster that “well I did it because they did la de dah de dah and where were you then?”

And as for the rest of us, give us a bar-b-que luncheon. Yea, that’ll shut us up. For a minute.

That’s all today. You may now resume the formalities of pretending like we modern folks don’t do this crap. 

Bye!

Something On My Mind

4/6/2013

 
Okay folks, this is my blog and today, I feel compelled to share something that has been on my mind for about a month or so. I held back because I wanted to make sure I wasn't being overly-sensitive or taking things out of context, but in reflection and talking with some others, I realize that it's completely within the bounds or normal, how shall I put it - pondering. Yea, that's a diplomatic way to say it.

I've known a number of people that have recently faced trials and life changes similar to the ones I faced a few years ago. Of course, I can relate to their struggles quite well, having been through something similar not too long ago. But one thing that rubs me kind of wrong is that a few years ago, people were quite bold to tell me to get my crap together and move on. I heard a lot of "if I were you" and "you need to get things under control" and "that's just life, you have to be strong and work your way through." I realize this is all true, of course - life throws you curveballs and the only way around is through. I knew that at the time and the truth of that still rings loud and clear. It seems, though, that when the situation goes from "it sucks to be you" to being the one it sucks for, well, that's different.

I asked Rick recently if this realization seemed harsh or hypocritical and he said (exact words): "No. People weren't afraid to get in your face and tell you to get it together. They made it clear that you were to make it stop immediately."

Okay, so it's not just me. There is a level of hypocricy going on.

I could get angry. I could get very frustrated and call people on it. But the truth is, I haven't had to. While nobody's come to me and said "oops, well I guess you aren't the only one reality can kick in the a**" their contrite attitude has clearly indicated that they finally understand what I was trying to communicate before: That it's not so easy when you're in the middle of it. Oops, you can't make things go back to what they are because you aren't God. Oops, you can't force other people to change. Oops, you can't just say "stop" and the universe will heed your call. That big, bad boldness is fine when you're on the mountaintop, but not so practical when you're in the valley and a flood is threatening.

I see that they get it, and I don't think their circumstances are the result of a lack of sympathy at my plight, or anybody elses'. Rather, I think it's the universal truth that reality is an equal opportunity smacker. It will knock us all down and bring us to a humility that we never imagined we'd have to face. I know I've had to become a new person from my own experiences. I had to completely change the way I thought about EVERYTHING and that's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Sometimes, I still have to remind myself to case off those old thoughts and embrace the new. It isn't easy, but to refuse would have been to sentence myself to a life of misery and depression, something that I simply won't have or allow in my life. If it's change my thinking to stay happy or hold to my old thoughts in a life that doesn't fit any more and resign myself to depression and misery, I'll change.

We all have to make that decision at some point. It's going to happen. C.S. Lewis called it The Law of Undulation in The Screwtape Letters, and I believe this is one of the most often ignored truths of life in this world just because it makes us uncomfortable and we don't like it. Life is a series of peaks and valleys. We will have times when we're on top of the world, but eventually the pendulum swings and we find outselves with the world on top of us. Sure, sometimes it's the result of bad decision making, but just as often it's the result of things beyond our control: things change. People change. Circumstances change. As The Bible says, "time and chance happen to them all" (Ecclesiastes 9:11). And all you can do is deal with it, for however long it goes on, until you work your way through to the other side.

So no, I'm not mad at people. Rather, I hate to see them go through such times because I know the pain they fell. It's not fun and I pray it passes for them. That being said, I would like to share some things I noticed going through my own trials that I hope will give others facing hard times some comfort or guidance in navigating their way through the valley:

1. Be honest, first with yourself and then with others. The sooner you face that life is crap for you right now, the quicker you'll find your way through. But also realize the truth that this too shall pass and you won't be here forever. There's always hope. Likewise, don't be ashamed to admit that life isn't roses, unicorns and rainbows. Don't be afraid to tell people, when you must, that things are rough, but you're doing your best to work through. Now that being said;

2. Use discernment in who and what you share. You need to be honest with people, but they also don't need to know every single thing going on in your life. This is especially true when dealing with sensitive family matters. I'm sorry to say it, but there are some people that won't get it and others that will use it against you to embarass you later. I think we've all had those instances where you shared something personal with a friend because you needed to vent, and they brought it up VERY publically later to get a laugh or gain what I call "cool points" with others that they've decided they like better since you shared your woes with them. Keep your inner circle limited to a very few people and even then, use discernment. You don't have to tell everything, nor should you. It's fine to say "yea, I'm dealing with some issues with myself/ job/health/at home right now, but I'm working through and it will be okay. I just need an extra dose of grace and patience right now," and leave it at that. You aren't on reality tv, so you don't need to act like it.

3. Don't be afraid to seek outside advice. The problem with keeping it in your inner circle is that they are biased. They aren't going to be able to fully see the situation and sometimes their advice, although well meaning, will be off base because of the tendency to see what they want/like best (for whatever reasons). It's perfectly reasonable to go to a pastor, therapist, or vocational rehab service, even if just once, to get a clear perspective on the situation as a whole so you can understand how to best proceed. Just be forewarned that those closest to you may take a level of offence. I did this a few years ago and was told by a few "well, I'm sorry we all let you down so much that you had to go to a stranger for help." That's not the case at all. I was realistic enough to know I was too beat and broken to see it logically on my own and that those close to me couldn't see past my own pain (and their pain) to see it clearly either. I was that serious about dealing with things right the first time so we could all move on. A good barometer of knowing when to seek outside counsel is this: if you feel absolutely stuck and paralyzed with no way out, you need a third party intervention. It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're strong enough to face all the ugliness of reality and have the determination to work it out correctly, no matter what.

4. Realize that some people "just won't get it" and decide right now if you are able to forgive them. General rule: if somebody prefaces a statement with "if I were you..." cut them off right away. They aren't you and that statement means "I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, but I want to say something so here it is." Likewise, and this isn't flattering but it's absolutely true: Sometimes people are more sympathetic to others because they like them and their situations better than they like you and your situations. Okay, maybe that's harsh, but people are biased based on their own experiences, and what this means is that they'll come down harder on you because there's something in your situation they really hate but they'll be more sympathetic to another facing something similar because they like or relate to something in their situation more. We're all hypocrites, folks,and we all judge. It's not right, but it's true. You have to make the decision to forgive it and move on or you'll stay stuck in the mire of your own problems a lot longer than necessary.

5. There is one, universal solution to all problems. This is the good news, but it isn't easy news. That universal solution is
do the right thing. All the time. No matter how hard it is, how much it hurts, who gets angry, or how tired you get. No matter what. And don't stop doing the right thing ever. 
It might hurt like hell, piss people off, and seem to destroy your life but trust me, it's temporary. Because "we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28). Doing right always leads to right in the end. Some battles may be lost, but the war will be won. But taking shortcuts, doing things the easy way, or ignoring things and hoping they will go away will prolong the war indefinitely. It literally took two and a half years for me to get my life settled into something that could be called "normal," but I'm convinced the struggled would still be ongoing if I didn't dig in my heels and determine that I would do things right, no matter how hard I had to work, how tired I got, who got mad at me, or how much it hurt. Let me tell you, it doesn't hurt anymore.

So take it from one that actually did all of these things - it works. You have to be stronger than you imagined possible, but it works.
 
Am I mad at my realizations? No. People aren't perfect and I made the decision long ago that I wasn't going to get angry or hold grudges. There's no point in it. My mission was to recreate my life and move on in the abundance and blessing I could find in it, and I am. Now I pray that others going through hard times will find the strength to move through and to find their own blessings and abundance on the other side of their trials.

And there is the other side, folks. God promises that there's always hope. I'm living proof. So keep fighting on to do what's right, and it will be fine. That's a promise you can count on.

That's all today. Take care and have a good weekend.

Bye!

Let it Be (or Mind Your Own Business!)

1/4/2013

 
As we head into a new year, I ponder my resolution to have better balance in my life on a number of levels. One of those (very important) levels is in the area of stress reduction and reducing worry in my life. I think these are things we all struggle with, and recently I've come to realize there's a great deal that we impose on ourselves, especially when it comes to our relationships.

This realization came after having several people tell me things that other people said and/or did over the past few weeks and asked what I thought of it. I remembered that when I was under a therapist while going through my life changes a few years ago, one of the things she told me was that the secret to finding balance was realizing what was and wasn't my business. "You concern yourself with your responsibilities and what you control and let go of the things in the hands of others," she said. That's certainly true, and in fact remembering this advice upon being asked my opinion on these various situations and issues made me realize that people, in general, bring on a lot of their own stress by worrying about or fretting over things that other people think, say or do - things they have absolutely no control over.

Why do we do this? My first reaction was that it's arrogance. Frankly, we all have a tendency to beleive that everything is all about us - and that's wrong. The truth is that everything people think, say and do is all about THEM. It's a reflection of how they see the world. Even if they say that "others made me do it," the truth is that they made the decision on how to perceive things and on how to proceed. Nobody "makes" anybody do anything. Plus, by nature, people are going to do what's best for them and the ones closest to them. Why should they do something that benefits you 100% and them none at all when you aren't the center of THEIR world?

So there's one reason, but I don't think that's all of it, nor the major portion. In fact, I think if that were the whole reason, then it would mean that people in general are extremely selfish and short sighted, and I don't believe that such a narrow view applies to most people most of the time. Some maybe, but absolutely not all. Maybe not most. And remember, I said there's some truth to this. Maybe it's a small part, but I don't think that's a "once size fits all" explanation for it. Most people learn, grow, and gain a wider perspective on the world and as such, they aren't so shallow.

I believe another reason is that we want everybody to like us. The problem is, I recently read that there was actually some scientific study that at least 10% of people aren't going to like you. Frankly, I was surprised the percentage was that low. I thought it would be closer to 30%, but the latest study I read said 10% so we'll run with that. Why is this? Plain and simple, personality differences. Some types just don't play well together. If you don't believe it, ask any extremely emotional person I've come in contact with and they'll tell you I'm mean and don't give a crap about their feelings. I am, by nature, a person that leans more toward logic and reason in making decisions than emotion. I usually don't get along well with extremely emotional types that "just want peace" and "want everybody happy right now" because I beleive happiness comes from investing the time and hard work to do things right no matter how you feel about it "right now." If you do what's right, then it will work out in the end, and that's a happiness that last; not a vapor of high emotion that wears off when the party is over and the consequences have to be paid. In fact, since I've been working in professional licensing, I'd say my tendency to make decisions based on logic and reason have become a stronger  because by nature of my profession, I'm obligated to do what's right no matter how people feel about it. I don't think that's a bad thing (of course), but I've caught some flack about it because I'm female, and by stereotype I'm supposed to be all about feelings. While I'm ok to say "alright, forget the 10% and thank God for and enjoy the other 90%, well, some people get awfully fixated on that 10% and believe that if they work harder then they can get a 100% approval rating. It seems their effort would be better spent nurturing relationships with the other 90% but in fact, sometimes they turn on the ones on their side to gain approval they'll never have, counting on forgiveness from that 90% that might come, but not realizing that it will have a higher price than they bargained for because broken trust is a very hard thing to rebuild. But it happens, all the time. I've experienced it; I've seen it; I've written about it. Hey, I'm a writer. The ugly underside of humanity is a playground of inspiration. Expose it to me at your own risk.

Just kidding - maybe. And a sidenote on the emotion thing: I'm interested to see if the stereotype of "hysterical emotion" in  women downplays as more generations of women have careers.Working women don't have time to fret over every little wayward comment, rolled eye, questionable social media post, tear or tirade that comes their way. Or at least, me and my colleagues don't. But we'll see as time tells this particular tale.

So there's that. But not all people are emotional and out for approval ratings that would make politicians jealous, so reason #2 can't apply to everybody. But it does apply to enough that I believe it should be considered.

There is one more reason, and I think it applies to most of us. I believe the reason people get tied up in what others think, say and do is because they don't want to be alone in how they think or feel. They want to know that others agree with them. They want others to have an opinion with them, or to get mad with them, or to be sad with them, or to take up the cause with them because they don't want to be the only freak swimming against the tide. They want to know they're like everybody else and what the other person is doing is wild/selfish/stupid/crazy/nonsense/whatever. They don't want to be alone in their opinion or feelings because they don't want to look in the mirror and ask "is it them, or is it me?" We all want to be right. We all want the world to understand that our opinion is just as important as everybody elses'. We all want respect. Nobody wants to be a nobody. They want people to know that they're here, that they have value, and that they are just as important as the other 7+ billion people in the world.

Here's the thing, though: Going about it by getting tangled up in other peoples' business is a sign of insecurity. If you truly walk in faith and you're confident in yourself as the authentic human being you were created to be, then you don't need to beg or scream for attention. You humbly go about your own business, believing that the life God set before and the purposes you serve speak for themselves. 

That's the cure.
That's how you break free from this stress. You get busy living your own life and tending to your own businss and have the grace to accept others and the decisions they make without intruding into their lives with your opinions.

Does this mean you ignore others and don't care what they do? Of course not. You should always do your best to help people in need and if there's something you can do to help others on their life path, you certainly should. The key is to use common sense and discernment. Yes, we all have opinions on things, but we don't need to share them all the time. Everything that flies through your head doesn't need to fly out of your mouth. If you aren't asked for your opinion or advice, assume it's not wanted or needed and keep it to yourself. I'd even go so far as to say that you should still use caution in giving advice even if you ARE asked for it. As one of the elves said in The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring, "elves don't give advice because all paths may run ill." Think before you speak. If in doubt, don't. And realize that advice is a take it or leave it thing - and in many cases, people leave it, so be prepared to have your advice or opinion rejected just in case and be prepared to not get offended. And please, for the love of God, if it won't make any difference and you have a thought - don't. Stop right there and go no further. If it's done and/or there's no way it's changing no matter what anybody says and you really need to get it out, set up a private blog or buy a journal to work it out, but don't go off on tirades and complain to everybody in the world about things you can't control involving people close to you. And don't ask or expect people to take sides with you unless you want to do the equivalent of renting a billboard that says I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. It makes you look bad and it makes other people run like hell from you when they see you coming. If it's something so big that you can't live with it, find a way to either deal with it or distance yourself from the situation. Just because a war's going on doesn't mean you have to be a soldier in it. Other people might want you to have their problems, but they can't draft you. You don't have to accept them and if you choose not to accept their problems, well then, it's over.

The point of this mile long blog is that I'm coming to understand that balance is something that we have to strive for in every area of life, and personal relationships are certainly a big element there. We do live in the world, with people, so having good, balanced relationships is an extremely important thing. And one way we can achieve balance in our relationships is by not being a busybody, minding our own business, and having the grace to let it be.

Thanks for hanging in there with me on this one. I hope you had a Happy Friday and that you have a great weekend.

Bye!

Office Politics - In Fiction and Reality

10/9/2012

 
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I’m often asked if the things that happened to Jana Lanning in my recent novel, Anywhere But Here, actually happened to me. For those of you that haven’t read this novel, Jana Lanning, the protagonist, is denied admission to graduate school, finds out her boyfriend is cheating on her, helps her best friend get married and move out of town, and has to settle for a job that she’s overqualified for – and all of this happens within two weeks of getting her undergraduate degree. Then to make things worse, the office where she works starts a merger with another firm and Jana finds herself on the wrong end of office politics that are the final straw  in her battle with depression. The thing people seem the most interested in are the office politics. People want to know if the happenings at Dixon Financial are reflective of my job before it was transferred to a new agency a couple of years ago. 

In response to that I’d say not entirely, but I can’t deny that some things that happened to me early in my career are reflected in people and events that take place in the book. I know that’s cryptic, but bear in mind two things: The people and events are fictionalized and that was accomplished through a mixture of my personal experiences, experiences I’ve seen and heard of from other people, and instances I’ve read about in books, magazines, news and other media. It came from a vast pool and I’ll admit that I had experience with being on the wrong end of office politics – heck, how could you write about it even from a fictionalized perspective unless you lived it in some way – but it’s also a universal issue that anybody working in an office environment is going to be on one end or the other of. And sorry folks, but there are probably going to be times when you find yourself on the wrong side, at least from the perspective of the majority.  

My purpose in both writing Anywhere But Here and this entry isn’t to bash my former workplace. These things happened a decade ago, and I must admit that I said and did things that weren’t wise and didn’t lead to the best resolution in the situations I faced. I certainly learned from those experiences and in retrospect, I’m glad I learned those lessons early in life or I certainlywouldn’t be where I am now. The purpose is to share lessons learned, because this is something that I believe everybody in the workforce faces at some time. It makes you feel isolated and lonely when it happens, but the truth is that you aren’t alone. Lots of people face it but few talk about it because frankly, it’s embarrassing. 

I used to think that people playing office politics were selfish jerks that like to hurt people, but experience has shown me that it actually grows from a root of fear. People that play with power are insecure and doubt their own ability, so they create an elaborate game of turning people and things to their advantage. I’ve found that there are 2 good ways to identify a person that is likely to use power to their advantage:

1.They cling tightly to cliques that are made up of people that are higher on the chain of command than they are; and

2.They don’t associate with anybody on the chain of command below  them unless it’s absolutely necessary - and those people better give them what they want immediately or it’s insubordination.  

It’s the people in category #2 that usually find themselves on the losing end of office politics because any wrong word or deed will be met with fierce retaliation. I won’t say that I never see office politics anymore, but I have found that I find myself in these situations a lot less since I’ve been reclassified to a mid-level position. I’d like to think this is because I’ve proven that my knowledge and abilities are valuable, but it’s more likely that I learned valuable lessons on how to deal with these types from previous experience – and people know it. 

So what’s the secret to dealing when you’re the victim of office politics? If you’re right, stand by that. Don’t ever cave in and take the quick and easy way out because that’s a temporary end. If they’d turn on you once, they’ll turn on you again. Caving in only shows that you can be taken advantage of, and they will milk that dry, plus the consequences of doing wrong will follow you a lot longer than standing up for what’s right. They might not like you, but they’ll respect you and at least know not to let you catch them with their hand in the cookie jar again. If you aren’t right, correct yourself immediately and stick to your guns in walking down the right road. And whichever situation you’re in, it’s imperative that you have patience. Truth will show itself in time and it will be end game then.  It might take months or even years for things to come around, but they will and you’ll be better off for it. The reward will come in patient endurance, and it will be something that nobody can deny. Sure, there are people that are so stubborn that they’ll refuse to change their mind no matter what happens, but don’t worry about them. Leave them in their ignorance and move on because it’s highly probably that they’ll be gone in time themselves.

I believe Jana Lanning in Anywhere But Here is a good personification of office politics gone wrong, because she’s the one in the weakest position. She didn’t do anything wrong and in fact suffered for doing right, but recent personal losses kept her from taking a stand in the right way and the right timing. The people that create these situations are masters at turning things against you even if you didn’t do anything wrong, and it’s exhausting to constantly defend your own character. Unfortunately, she found this out too late and suffered the consequences of crossing the wrong people simply by being who she was and not deferring to people doing things wrong. She  was right and had proof of it, but she didn’t know how to present that truth in a combative work environment. That happens sometimes, and it’s awful. I think the worst offence in the world is to have to suffer for other peoples’ mistakes, and office politics are the ultimate example of that. 

I think this is why eople tell me that they find Jana Lanning so likeable. She’s a good person that doesn’t deserve the hard knocks that come her way from people taking advantage of her shy nature, youth, and inexperience. She makes the same mistakes that all of us made in our early adulthood and we understand her confusion at why life is kicking her around.  Reality is a hard teacher, and it’s the only one that can do the job once school leaves off. Remember the movie “St. Elmo’s Fire” from the 80’s? That strange, new world opening up is the exact thing that Jana faces, and we understand exactly where she’s coming from. She, like the rest of us, has to learn to find those gems of opportunity in the rubble of defeat to rebuild a new life from shattered dreams. In some ways, we may even relate to her right where we’re at, because life is always teaching us lessons.

So no, I didn’t start out in life exactly like Jana did. I  actually did marry my college sweetheart, but I never made it to graduate school because I found other things that I believed were worth more in my life than higher education. I never struggled with depression, but I knew (and still know) many who do battle that demon, and I hope Jana’s struggle helps people with depression understand that this is a battle they can win if they stay in the fight. But yes, I did go through an office merger in my early years in the workforce, and I found myself prey to the power plays, albeit in much different circumstances. All I can say is that wisdom comes from experience, and I gained plenty in those few years.

 And lest you think it’s impossible for poor Jana to face so much at one time, I call your bluff. Too much smashing my life to bits was the catalyst for my next novel, Splinter – but that’s one for a future blog entry. I’ll address it closer to the release date in mid 2013. Until then, enjoy Anywhere But Here and my other books - information on them and links to buy are on the other tabs of this website. I hope you find entertainment and inspiration in them. 

That’s all today. 

Bye!


Progress With My Writing

8/22/2012

 
Many people have asked me recently about how things are going with my writing, so I thought I'd update you through a blog entry. I've stay very busy with it between promoting work that's already published and writing new work. Here's a rundown of where things are at:

As you probably know, I'm in the middle of an Author Feature Week on The Edible Bookshelf. DelSheree Gladden read my young adult novel, Blurry, and is doing a feature on me that's focused on this book on Monday - Friday of this week. Today's entry is the best so far with an author interview on Blurry. You can check it out at http://www.theediblebookshelf.blogspot.com/2012/08/interview-with-sherri-fulmer-moorer.html . Be sure to drop by http://www.theediblebookshelf.blogspot.com tomorrow and Friday too to see the remaining entries in the feature week. I'd like to extend my heartfelt gratitude to DelSheree Gladden for reading Blurry and giving me this wonderful opportunity to reach readers through her outstanding blog!

I was also surprised to get a very flattering review of Anywhere But Here today. It was so encouraging to see that this story touched someone and that they recommended it because they believed that others could relate to it too - even with the twist ending! (Folks, this book has a BIG twist in the end!). Dealing with personal setbacks and depression are the major themes of this fictionalized novel about a young woman whose life falls apart in the weeks after college graduation, and it was my hope that others would read this tale and find hope to face their own challenges. I'm glad people are relating to this story. That is, after all, why writers do write in the first place - so their stories can entertain and inspire others. I'd like to thank Goodreads for their support of indie authors and for helping people to find me and my work. If you love reading, this is a great site! You can check them out at www.goodreads.com .

I have several book reviews for Blurry and Anywhere But Here pending, and I have my fingers crossed that they continue to get good reviews! I'm also planning to pick up promotion for Quarantine, my mystery novella, and Resonance, my horror long story, in September and October. Both of these stories take place in October. In fact, Resonance is a Halloween tale. I believe these are good, quick reads that people will find interesting as a fall read. Plus, they're cheap - only a dollar!

On the publication front, I signed a contract with Whiskey Creek Press to publish Splinter, my sci-fi novel that I wrote for National Novel Writing Month in 2010, in late May. I should get more information from them on a publication schedule in October or November, and it should be out sometime in mid to late 2013. I'll let you know when I get a timeline for publication. In the meantime, here's a synopsis:

The end of the world is just the beginning.
             
Dr. Leigh Lorene Lybrand, a thirty-three year old geophysicist, is content with her humble life on Earth.  She has good work studying the reversal of Earth’s magnetosphere, a loving fiancé, and a supportative family. It’s a life most people would be happy  with, until she’s offered a chance to make history. Developing interstellar habitats in the Jovan system will make her famous and financially secure for the  rest of her life. She’s willing to put aside life on Earth for two years to have a chance to establish humanity in outer space. 
 
        
History takes a critical turn when Earth is destroyed by a solar flare, and the crew of Jovan I are responsible for the survival of humanity. As they explore ways to survive in space, dark matter starts to rip open the fabric of
space and time, allowing Leigh and one of her colleagues to see parallel universes. When the visions take a sinister turn to reveal that a radical religious group planned Earth’s destruction, Leigh must make a choice: Accept her fate or use what she’s learned to save humanity; even if it means sacrificing herself in this universe.

I obviously need to clean that up into a more intriguing back cover blurb, but I beleive you get the point. And let me tell you, I'm super excited about this book! It's the most work I've ever done to write a novel - it's my longest book to date at 50 chapters and took over six months of research just to plan the plot! But the work was worth it, because I believe this is my best book so far.

On the writing front, I have two books in progress right now. That's right, two! The first is a mystery novel titled Move. The tagline - be careful what you wish for. I don't nave a formal synopsis for it because it isn't complete, but it's about a woman that's stuck in a rut that unknowingly makes a deal with a djinn to help her with people that are getting in the way of her progress. Unfortunately, the djinn isn't really good with the whole wish-granting thing, and he makes a bigger mess of things than she ever imagined. And I'll be honest with you - I love working on this book. This is the most fun I've had writing a book since Blurry! It's just a good, intriguing story and I love the characters I work with. Well, except one of the villians, but I'm having fun helping things bite her in the butt. These are the experiences writers live for - to get absorbed in our work and fall into the world we've created. This is why I love writing. To create new work and share it with the world. I think the only thing better than reading a great story is writing one. Well, one that you think is great anyway.

The other book is a short non-fiction book titled Feathered Frenzy! A Quick Guide to Adapting Birds Into Your Life. I'm writing this book as a way to share what I've learned from over twenty five years of bird ownership with others that have birds for pets. I might not have advanced degrees, but I believe that a lifetime of having birds for pets gives me plenty of advice to share, and I have picked up quite a few tips, tricks and lessons throughout the years that I beleive will be helpful to other bird owners. When I say this is a short book, I'm not kidding - I started it last week, and I've written 8 of the 10 chapters already. Hopefully, I'll complete the rough draft in the next couple of days. I plan to self publish this book. In the meantime, I posted a sample chapter in this blog last week, and I've posted another snippet on the bird blog over at Conure Corner at http://conurecorner.weebly.com tonight.

So that's what's going on with my writing. Thanks to all of you for your continued support and interest in it! I'll return to my usual musings and shenanagins next time. Until then, I hope the end of your week goes well.

Bye!

Insanity

5/4/2012

 
Yep, that's the right word to describe my schedule these days. It seems there's always something going on. Over the past few weeks we've visited with family, visited with friends, did work on our committees at church, and cleaned house. Work is chaos with license renewals for our biggest program and the legislature making the final push to get things  running before regulations time out this month and next month. This has been a brutal session because they're questioning everything with fees down to the jot and tittle and guess what? There are fees in one of my regulations.The June 7 close of the session will be a huge relief - for better or for worse. So that's meant a lot of meetings, on top of meetings I've already had.

Add to that the fact that I didn't feel 100% well with my sinuses 2 days this week but couldn't take off because I had meetings (big surprise), that our big "Share Our Stuff" spring event is tomorrow morning at the church, and I started writing my new book (Move), this week and - yea, insanity.

Incidentally, it's not really out of place for me to start writing a book when things are crazy. It seems the inspiration always hits when I don't have a minute to spare and it seems I have to sledgehammer time into my schedule to peck some research here and a chapter there. I can't explain it. Things will be calm and I'll have writer's block, but let my schedule fill up with dots on every day of  my calendar in my iPhone, and the muse is firing off left and right. Maybe the high level of activity feeds inspiration, or gives me more to draw off of. I have to admit that I pounded out a chapter today durning my lunch hour with no problem. In fact, sometimes I find it easier to write scenes there that are in a work related setting. Maybe it's because I'm already in a work-mindset and I can draw inspiration from what I've been dealing with recently. Yes, it's easiest to write in the quiet with free time, but sometimes those short slices of free time feed my muse, I guess by allowing me to draw inspiration from recent experience.

Or maybe I'm just weird and have a busy lifestyle where I've adapted to being able to write anytime I can find a minute. I learned in college that there's no such thing as dead time. They taught me to be a master at handling my schedule and I learned I can squeeze things into every minute of every day. In fact, sometimes I have to plan to take time off. I guess I'm driven. It seems I always have some personal project going on top of everything else. No sooner do I finish the birdhouse village than I'm off and running on my next novel. This one should keep me occupied for a while - and there's no telling what's next.

That's all for today. Happy Friday to you. I hope you have a great weekend.

Bye!

Out of the Past, Into the Future

1/25/2012

 
There was an incident today that I feel needs to be addressed once and for all. It's time to clear the air. So here we go.

I had a House committee meeting today on regulations for one of my programs. As some of you know, my job moved from one department to another on July 1, 2010. Moving two registration programs is a massive effort - so massive that we've spent the past year and a half trying to get things settled. We have our last bit of work in the legislature in  hopes of wrapping up this transition for once and for all and getting settled in a nice, peaceful routine.

I was sent to this meeting in order to observe and note what items the committee discussed so we could prepare for anything that needs to be addressed as it continues through the legislative process. Unfortunately, the plan I was sent to execute was disrupted when a former associate of our program (who is also a former colleague that worked closely with this program before my time here) showed up. Even though he is  no longer on payroll or associated with the program or my department in any way, he felt it necessary to use his clout to intervene when the committee was discussing my program's item. The intervention resulted in the natural progression of the conversation to derail into areas that caused the committee members so much confusion that they referred it back to the subcommittee in hopes of getting the questions cleared up. Translation: we took a step back today, which means a delay, which means that my department and the representatives for my program are not happy.

I'm not either, and this mess forces me to attend to an unexpected situation. There are, obviously, some issues with my former colleagues and associates that need to be addressed. And so I have decided to use this blog entry to address them in an open letter to clear the air and set the record straight, for once and for all.

Dear Former Colleagues and Associates:

I understand that transition is tough. Lord knows, I've been through my share. I went to hell and back between my job move and my in-laws moving to town at the same time in the spring/summer of 2010. By the grace of God and the support of some great, stable people in my life (meaning my husband and immediate family), I was able to not only survive two concurrent life changes, but to thrive as well. I openly admit that my old life is dead. There's nothing of it left behind. I actually came to it recently in what I call a "Frodo Baggins Revelation." Just as Frodo realized that his adventure changed him too much to return to his old life, I also realize that I'm not the person I was. You see me out and about and you recognize my physical appearance, but if you talked for me even for a few minutes, you'd realize this isn't the Sherri you knew 18 months ago. Great change has that effect on a person. In fact, I'd say that if it didn't then there's probably something wrong because it should. While the fundamental basics of who you are remain stable, a major life transition (or two) SHOULD shift your paradiam so much that it changes how you see the world and apply those fundamentals to your life. I've moved on and learned so much more than I ever thought possible in a relatively short period of time. It's shocking, but I also see that it was necessary. I needed to change. I needed to grow up more. I needed to lose my fear and to live more boldly than I was in the past so I can fulfill my life purpose now and into the future.

What surprises me is to find that obviously, you are having some problems letting go. To intervene in the affairs of a program that you gave up 18 months ago, knowingly and willingly, is stark evidence that seems to say you still haven't severed your own ties to the past. Honestly, it was the last thing I expected. You played it so cool during and after my move that frankly, I thought you were relieved to be rid of the programs and to move on without them and me. Yet today I (and the full House committee) saw evidence that you are still following our progress and seem to feel some sense of obligation to "look after" us. I can assure you that this isn't necessary. Really it isn't appropriate and I won't lie - there are some folks on my end of this that are furious about what they deem as an unwelcome intervention. Their ways aren't your ways, and the fact that they didn't send an entorage to this meeting didn't speak of negligence - it was strategy for future planning. And you blew up that strategy because you inserted yourself into business that really isn't even yours to look in on because you believe in "making things happen" instead of letting them progress.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not here to cast blame. I understand that it can be hard to let go when something has been your responsibility for a long time. These programs are as old as I am, so it's natural to feel some attachment to something that was under your wing for over 35 years. I also understand that I was very young when you hired me to handle these programs. I was a 23 year old recent college graduate and newleywed in 1999 when you hired me - but that was 13 years ago. I grew up, folks. I don't know if you realized it, but in the years I spent there I did grow, I did learn, and I did outgrow many things. I won't deny that I still have much to learn, and I can be my own kind of fool from time to time. But please, grant me the grace to be the igit I am, not the igit you assume I am because you know the 23 year old me but not the 36 year old me. And believe it or not, there's a great difference between those two people. The girl I was is gone. I'm a new creation now. You may or may not like it. I don't know, and it doesn't matter because I'm gone so it's pointless to ponder.

Likewise, the programs have grown. As I said, the department where we are has a very different way of doing things, but different isn't bad or wrong. In fact, it's been very good for them and they've come a long way in a little time themselves. They're evolving by leaps and bounds but once again, by God's grace we're making it. We're working with great people that work in a very efficient team and have dedicated themselves to learning these programs inside and out. We have daily support. And frankly, it's refreshing for me and for the Board members to be in a place where everybody knows what we do and understand the issues we face, day in and day out. I have met so many good people. I moved to a smaller agency and learned that the world was so much bigger than I ever realized. It's a paradox I know, but an interesting one that I find delight in.

You said when the legislation was drafted to move me that it wasn't personal, it was just business. That's ok. Now please, maintain your professional demeanor. Today was awkward. Let's not do that again. If you wonder how I'm doing or how the programs are doing, please do it right. You know where to find us. Swallow your pride and call or e-mail. Please, let go of the past and entrust us and yourselves to the present. Believe, as we do, that everything happens for a reason. This move went through because the Lord willed it to go through. For whatever reason, He deemed this the time and place for our program to pass from one place to another and change isn't bad. It just provides the tools for moving forward. We do appreciate all that you did for us in the past, but we aren't your responsibility anymore. It's been 18 months and it's time for all of us to move on.

So please, let go. It's not personal OR business anymore. It's just reality. And I know from cold, hard experience that's something that always catches up with you. So make life easy - accept it sooner before it kicks your butt later.

I wish you well in your future endeavors. If we meet again I sincerely hope it will be under better, more friendly circumstances. What I said when I moved still stands: I wish you no ill will as our paths diverged - just respect for what was and the grace to allow us to grow in our respective directions.

Sincerely,

Sherri


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