Category: Past

Throwing Out the Shovel

6/26/2013

And here is one of those things on the "what good is THIS doing" list.

Some of you that follow me online know that for the past 3 years, I've had a recurring nightmare about walking through a graveyard that had no names on the tombstones. I hate that dream. You'd think it was the creepy factor that got me, but the truth is that it just pisses me off. I had it again night before last, and I finally get it.

My life has been nothing but change for the past 3 years. I feel like I've either been planting new things that I hope will grow, or burying the past. Good grief, so many bodies have hit the floor. For all the "remaking" in my life, a lot of the old has passed away, and I feel like I've spent way too much time either burying it or mourning it. And added to that is the fact that there's been a lot of quit in my life too - as in, people passing right on outta here. I've gained more than I can fathom, but I've lost a lot too. Balance means that when something comes, something goes. I bury the past and plant the present, hoping the future will lead to something fruitful.

Well, I'm done. I've planted plenty and I'm done mourning the past. It's over. It's time to get out of the dirt and live the sun. There will be no more mourning. There will be no more digging. As Jesus said, let the dead bury themselves. I'm alive and it's high time to stop struggling and start living.

I don't know why all of this change has come. I have no doubt that it serves a greater purpose and is laying a foundation for a bigger life, but it has been somewhat excessive. But I'm done thinking. I'm done planning. I'm done trying to figure it all out.

This annoying nightmare is over. It's on, folks. It's time to stop planting and burying and to start growing and living. And
that's what I'm going to do. Am I scared? Yes, absolutely. And I'm going to do it anyway. The dragon of fear has tried to beat me for three years and I haven't come this far to fail. I will become the dragon. I will become bigger than the fear trying to keep me in the dirt. Because being consumed by it just isn't an option.

That's why that nightmare pisses me off. It's because I've had enough. It's time to slay this beast and live in the sun.

And that's it.

Bye!

Things Gone By

4/27/2012

I’ve had 2 people ask me if I miss working at my old department this week. I could understand if one person asked, but to have 2 people ask from completely different places does make it seem a bit odd. Another thing that makes it odd is that I was transferred almost 2 years ago. It seems to me that I wouldn’t be psychologically stable if I hadn’t adjusted to my current department in such a long period of time. But one of them pressed on and asked if I missed anything about the former place.

At that point, I naturally wondered if I was being baited for some reason. I honestly told them that I did have a couple of friends that I missed from time to time when I saw or heard things that reminded me of them, but the overall answer to the question is that I’m happy where I’m at and I wouldn’t go back even if I could. This is where I am, this is where I belong, and I’m 100% ok and happy with it.

It was a curious question, but I think I made a good admission. Things are always passing in and out of our lives, and it’s natural that we will miss some things. We miss people that have passed away or whose paths have diverged from our own. It’s natural to be nostalgic for what was from time to time and to miss things that have passed us by. And, of course, there are those “little blessings” along the way that we miss – things so little that sometimes we don’t realize it until they’re gone. For example, I miss:

1. My parakeets. Zack, Chloe and Ollie aren’t the first birds I’ve had. When I was in my teens, I had 3 budgies named Petsy, Samson, and Delilah. Funny thing is, I came upon them much the same as I came upon my current 3: We bought Samson, decided he was lonely so we got Delilah, and then adopted Petsy from my great-aunt when she had to go in a nursing home with Alzheimers. (Remember we got Zack, he got lonely so we got Chloe, then they found Ollie at Rick’s work and we wound out keeping him too.) Like our current 3, they each had a unique personality and were full of personality and spunk. They died in 1996 rather close together – Delilah of an infection in August, Petsy of pneumonia in October, and Samson probably died of heart failure (he was 13) two weeks after Petsy. I was so hurt when they died that I said “never again” to pets. Yea, right. We got Zack in 2000, and after we got Chloe and Ollie in 2010 I finally admitted that I’ll always have birds and will clean cages for the rest of my life. See http://conurecorner.weebly.com for more on my current flock. They even have a blog!

2. My 1993 Dodge Daytona. We all have that one car that’s just perfect, and this was mine: a metallic blue sports car I got just before high school graduation. I got it brand new and absolutely loved it. I drove it until late 2006 when someone hit me in the parking garage at work. Although it wasn’t a bad accident, the damage was bad enough that they couldn’t 100% fix it, especially since the last Daytona’s were made in 1994 and replacement parts were becoming scarce. I now drive a 2006 Grand Prix. I like it and am very satisfied with it, but it just doesn’t have that same “zing” that the Daytona had. And ironically, Pontiac died a few years after I got the Grand Prix – so it seems that whatever car I buy is doomed to be discontinued or the dealer will shut down altogether. Looks like the chances of me being a repeat customer are slim with this track record.

3. Cross stitching. A friend at my former workplace taught me how to cross stitch in 2004 and I absolutely loved it. I even got adventurous and did a large pattern of a dragon and wizard, which I entered in the 2009 State Fair. I didn’t win anything, but it’s still hanging over my mantle and I get a lot of compliments on it. I did a few projects after the dragon, including one of Jesus that graces our entry way, but getting published required more of my time because I had to add doing publicity to my already full schedule with a full time job, home, family, work, writing, and church activities. I had to cut several hobbies and I finally had to make the painful decision that this one had to go on an indefinite hiatus while I build up my writing. I fully intend to take it up again someday when my life is less busy but for now, I’m focused on building my lifelong dream of being a good, well-respected novelist.

4. Smallville and Supernatural on Thursday nights. Ok, it’s not so much the shows themselves as it is that we
designated Thursday night as our “TV Night” every week. It was very nice to have both shows that we watch come on back to back on the same night. Smallville wrapped up after 10 years last season, Supernatural comes on Fridays now, and the new show that we watch, “The Secret Circle” comes on Thursday nights. At any rate, I discovered that I’m usually done with household stuff and writing by 9PM, so having the shows on separate nights doesn’t crimp my style at all. And, as I said, we can always make Friday our TV night with the advantage of DVR, although it’s not completely the same.

5. Free time in the afternoon on weekdays. Wow, I didn’t appreciate what a precious gift that was until I graduated from college and was in a full time job. It’s rare too, only enjoyed by those in school and retirees. That was truly a “don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone”situation for me. I fully appreciate it on days off, vacations and even sick days now.

And come to think of it, I missed one with that person I talked to about my former job. It’s not just the friends I miss. I also miss those outstanding ham subs they made in the canteen on Tuesdays and Fridays. I’ve checked everywhere and I’ve found close, but not as good as that!

The point is that I believe it’s natural to miss things with the changing nature of life, and that’s ok. Life takes us through many paths and seasons and it adds to the richness of our experiences. But we also need to be mindful of where we are and enjoy the blessings that we have, because you never know when things will change – and sometimes, things change quickly and with little warning. So be grateful for those things that have blessed you, but don’t live in the past. They added to who you are so you can appreciate the present.

That’s all for today. Happy Friday to you, and I hope you have a great weekend.

Bye!

To Be Fair

1/26/2012

Ok everybody, to be fair and not look like a totally arrogant, ungrateful lout I will admit that a total life makeover does not leave one unscathed. I have gained a lot from my recent life transitions, but there are some things that I do miss. I did have a couple of friends at my old job that I still miss talking to on a regular basis. I've met a lot of great people and made new friends, but they were unique and obviously people can't be replaced. I also miss those great places for walking during lunch breaks, shorter (and MUCH less frequent) meetings, and ham subs. Oh man, I haven't found subs as good as that canteen makes them anywhere and believe me, I've looked. I also had a bigger office space at the old place. But then again, they made me keep all those paper files and now that I'm at a place where we digitize everything, I don't NEED as much office space. It's a trade off.

And I think that's exactly the point that helped me transition. For all I miss that was left behind, I see that other things were gained. I lost great walking places and fantastic ham subs, but I found a lower gas bill (from my shorter commute) and vanilla lattes. I miss my covered parking spot, but I don't have to pay for a parking spot any more (hense, more saved money). My job is busier and more complicated, but it keeps me so much more engaged than it used to. It's all about trade offs. Sure I miss the blessings of yesterday, but I'm not blind to the blessings of today. In fact, missing those very things are what taught me to appreciate what I have RIGHT NOW. Because things can change in the blink of an eye. So appreciate what you've got and work with it, because nothing is permanant.

I suppose the whole point harkens back to something I mentioned yesterday. Change isn't good or bad, it's a mechanism that can be used for progress. You just have to know how to use it. Like any resource, it can work for good or ill. It depends on your own effort and intent - on what you want and directing your energy to the right places. You can cling to the past and dig your own rut lamenting what's passed from your life, or you can work with the change and maximize opportunities for progress. The choice is yours.

In closing, I would like to say that in discussing this situation I realized two lessons from this adventure:

1. Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons; and

2. If you dare to meddle in business that's not yours, you better make darn sure you know WHO the dragons are. Because it's awkward to find that what you assumed was a hatchling is breathing more fire than can. Oops.Change can have that uncomfortable side effect.

With that, I deem that it's time to let this situation go. It's been discussed with the appropriate parties and we are on our way to salvaging the situation. So it's time to move on. Because another thing I've learned is that dwelling on wrongs does no good. Vent if you must, strategize, solve and move on. We're in that process and on our way.

That's all. More later. Happy Friday tomorrow.

Bye!

Out of the Past, Into the Future

1/25/2012

There was an incident today that I feel needs to be addressed once and for all. It's time to clear the air. So here we go.

I had a House committee meeting today on regulations for one of my programs. As some of you know, my job moved from one department to another on July 1, 2010. Moving two registration programs is a massive effort - so massive that we've spent the past year and a half trying to get things settled. We have our last bit of work in the legislature in hopes of wrapping up this transition for once and for all and getting settled in a nice, peaceful routine.

I was sent to this meeting in order to observe and note what items the committee discussed so we could prepare for anything that needs to be addressed as it continues through the legislative process. Unfortunately, the plan I was sent to execute was disrupted when a former associate of our program (who is also a former colleague that worked closely with this program before my time here) showed up. Even though he is no longer on payroll or associated with the program or my department in any way, he felt it necessary to use his clout to intervene when the committee was discussing my program's item. The intervention resulted in the natural progression of the conversation to derail into areas that caused the committee members so much confusion that they referred it back to the subcommittee in hopes of getting the questions cleared up. Translation: we took a step back today, which means a delay, which means that my department and the representatives for my program are not happy.

I'm not either, and this mess forces me to attend to an unexpected situation. There are, obviously, some issues with my former colleagues and associates that need to be addressed. And so I have decided to use this blog entry to address them in an open letter to clear the air and set the record straight, for once and for all.

Dear Former Colleagues and Associates:

I understand that transition is tough. Lord knows, I've been through my share. I went to hell and back between my job move and my in-laws moving to town at the same time in the spring/summer of 2010. By the grace of God and the support of some great, stable people in my life (meaning my husband and immediate family), I was able to not only survive two concurrent life changes, but to thrive as well. I openly admit that my old life is dead. There's nothing of it left behind. I actually came to it recently in what I call a "Frodo Baggins Revelation." Just as Frodo realized that his adventure changed him too much to return to his old life, I also realize that I'm not the person I was. You see me out and about and you recognize my physical appearance, but if you talked for me even for a few minutes, you'd realize this isn't the Sherri you knew 18 months ago. Great change has that effect on a person. In fact, I'd say that if it didn't then there's probably something wrong because it should. While the fundamental basics of who you are remain stable, a major life transition (or two) SHOULD shift your paradiam so much that it changes how you see the world and apply those fundamentals to your life. I've moved on and learned so much more than I ever thought possible in a relatively short period of time. It's shocking, but I also see that it was necessary. I needed to change. I needed to grow up more. I needed to lose my fear and to live more boldly than I was in the past so I can fulfill my life purpose now and into the future.

What surprises me is to find that obviously, you are having some problems letting go. To intervene in the affairs of a program that you gave up 18 months ago, knowingly and willingly, is stark evidence that seems to say you still haven't severed your own ties to the past. Honestly, it was the last thing I expected. You played it so cool during and after my move that frankly, I thought you were relieved to be rid of the programs and to move on without them and me. Yet today I (and the full House committee) saw evidence that you are still following our progress and seem to feel some sense of obligation to "look after" us. I can assure you that this isn't necessary. Really it isn't appropriate and I won't lie - there are some folks on my end of this that are furious about what they deem as an unwelcome intervention. Their ways aren't your ways, and the fact that they didn't send an entorage to this meeting didn't speak of negligence - it was strategy for future planning. And you blew up that strategy because you inserted yourself into business that really isn't even yours to look in on because you believe in "making things happen" instead of letting them progress.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not here to cast blame. I understand that it can be hard to let go when something has been your responsibility for a long time. These programs are as old as I am, so it's natural to feel some attachment to something that was under your wing for over 35 years. I also understand that I was very young when you hired me to handle these programs. I was a 23 year old recent college graduate and newleywed in 1999 when you hired me - but that was 13 years ago. I grew up, folks. I don't know if you realized it, but in the years I spent there I did grow, I did learn, and I did outgrow many things. I won't deny that I still have much to learn, and I can be my own kind of fool from time to time. But please, grant me the grace to be the igit I am, not the igit you assume I am because you know the 23 year old me but not the 36 year old me. And believe it or not, there's a great difference between those two people. The girl I was is gone. I'm a new creation now. You may or may not like it. I don't know, and it doesn't matter because I'm gone so it's pointless to ponder.

Likewise, the programs have grown. As I said, the department where we are has a very different way of doing things, but different isn't bad or wrong. In fact, it's been very good for them and they've come a long way in a little time themselves. They're evolving by leaps and bounds but once again, by God's grace we're making it. We're working with great people that work in a very efficient team and have dedicated themselves to learning these programs inside and out. We have daily support. And frankly, it's refreshing for me and for the Board members to be in a place where everybody knows what we do and understand the issues we face, day in and day out. I have met so many good people. I moved to a smaller agency and learned that the world was so much bigger than I ever realized. It's a paradox I know, but an interesting one that I find delight in.

You said when the legislation was drafted to move me that it wasn't personal, it was just business. That's ok. Now please, maintain your professional demeanor. Today was awkward. Let's not do that again. If you wonder how I'm doing or how the programs are doing, please do it right. You know where to find us. Swallow your pride and call or e-mail. Please, let go of the past and entrust us and yourselves to the present. Believe, as we do, that everything happens for a reason. This move went through because the Lord willed it to go through. For whatever reason, He deemed this the time and place for our program to pass from one place to another and change isn't bad. It just provides the tools for moving forward. We do appreciate all that you did for us in the past, but we aren't your responsibility anymore. It's been 18 months and it's time for all of us to move on.

So please, let go. It's not personal OR business anymore. It's just reality. And I know from cold, hard experience that's something that always catches up with you. So make life easy - accept it sooner before it kicks your butt later.

I wish you well in your future endeavors. If we meet again I sincerely hope it will be under better, more friendly circumstances. What I said when I moved still stands: I wish you no ill will as our paths diverged - just respect for what was and the grace to allow us to grow in our respective directions.

Sincerely,

Sherri

Throwing Down the Gautlet

10/19/2011

Hi folks, it's me today. No, I'm not taking creative license by handing over my blog to my writing characters or my birds, and it's not part of the blog series. Today it's me here with real life, which is the stuff that blogs are made for. And today, I have a life lesson for you.

Did you know that truth always reveals itself? It seems that a lot of people don't. But some truths that have been carefully hidden for 3 years came flying out today. Yep, the masks fell away and people saw the nasty, ugly reality, complete with crumbs, dust bunnies, dead bugs and all.

The short version of this story is that I was asked some questions about the last place I was at today - detailed questions, complete with names and all. And I told the truth, which was unflattering to some people in my past. Oh well. They were warned. That's what happens when you try to brainwash people and the one thorn you could never quite "get fixed" gets away.

Yes, that's right. I said "brainwashed." It was a place where that was how the entire culture was defined. Everybody had their place and by golly, you stayed there "or else." The problem with that kind of mentality is that you always run across those strong, independent types that refuse to be told what to think. I was one of them and now, I see that it was the root of all my problems there. It wasn't personality conflicts, or fear over what wasn't understood - it was that they couldn't control me, plain and simple. I just wouldn't "settle down" and tame my renegade spirit. I rocked too many boats.

Well, they're too cool to care, so none of this should be of any importance to them. And I'm gone, so it's the past and really of little consequence to me. I tell you this story to make a point. There are always people around that will try to brainwash you. Always people that are arrogant enough to believe that they can control you - and that you should listen to them. I say bah. That's just crap. I hope I gave those people hell with my independent spirit while I was there . And for anybody else in my life that has the audacity to try similar tricks on me, I say this story demonstrates one very important thing you better take note of: I have a foot, and I know how to put it squarely up your rear if you DARE to try to brainwash me. This isn't just throwning down the gauntlet. This is the Hammer of Thor coming right at you and it's in your face.

I have my own brain, thank you very much, and I know how to use it.If you don't like it, you can take your happy butt right out the same door you used to come into my life, because there's no place for you here. I've broken free of those leashes they tried to slap on me and I have no use for that kind of shallow mentality in my life. God removed me from it, and I thank Him every day for that deliverance!

Yes, I'm a huge fan of fiction, but I also have a foot in reality. I realize there's no such things as wizards, elves, hobbits, Jedi, Sith Lords, demi-gods, superhereos, or even gecos and ducks that sell insurance. The truth is that in reality, it's no huge secret to how to impress me. I'm no respecter of persons. Titles don't impress me. Positions don't intimidate me. Power doesn't dazzle me. There's one way to get my admiration and respect and everybody on Earth has an equal chance at it.

You have to be a decent human being. That's it. Plain and simple. Honesty and integrity will get you everywhere. Anything else is smoke and mirrors, and I don't like magic tricks.

The truth is that most people are smarter than you give them credit for being, but few have the courage to admit to what they truly think and stand up for integrity. People have a inherent sense of when they're being deceived and they always resent it, whether they act on it or not. Beware the ones that don't comply with conformity. They're the sandpaper that rub on the rough edges of arrogance. They're people like me. And there are more of them than you think. Those brainwashed worlds are, in reality, very small. The real world is much bigger.

That's my soapbox speech for today. Thanks for tuning in. Until next time ...

Bye!

Summer's Over Already?

9/4/2011

I cant' believe tomorrow is Labor Day and the summer will be over. Well, summer isn't "officially" over for a few more weeks - maybe a month or more based solely on the weather - but Labor Day is the end of the summer season. Wow, where did it go?

If I had to sum up this summer, I'd call it a perfect reflection of real life. There have been highs - like publishing a book, and lows - like 2 friends dying of cancer. And everything in between. It hasn't been perfect, but I honestly can't call it bad either. And I feel I must add that there were so many great movies out this summer too - the DVD's coming out this fall are going to be awesome!

I know a lot of people say it's been a long, hot summer. I'll agree with hot, but long? No. It seems we were just having our spring free thrift day at the church - but that was in mid May. It doesn't seem like over 3 months ago but it was. Time flies. Granddaddy always warned me to not wish my life away, but I suppose it's equally futile to cling to the past. Best to live in the present.

Am I ready for fall? Doesn't seem to matter - it's coming at the speed of time and it is what it is. I suppose one thing I do need to accomplish this fall is finishing up Splinter. That's the novel I was working on before the contracts for Blurry and Anywhere But Here came along. I suppose I better get that wrapped up before Anywhere But Here goes into pre-production in early 2012 if I want to submit it for publication next spring.

Well, that's my musing for the day. Enjoy your Labor Day. It's supposed to be a rainy one here, but that's ok. The summer came in with some vicious storms (and power outages at interesting times and under interesting circumstances too). I suppose it's natural it should go out that way.

Goodbye, Summer 2011! It's been real.

Throwing Out the Shovel

Things Gone By

To Be Fair

Out of the Past, Into the Future

Throwing Down the Gautlet

Summer's Over Already?

Escape Reality

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