Folks, it's time for some straight talk about the way it is. This is likely to piss off 100% of people, but I'm telling you this now so adjustments can be made and you can't claim "I didn't know!" anymore. 

There have been a lot of people getting mad at me lately because I haven't gone "goo goo" over them, and they're all people who haven't had the courtesy to ask how Rick's dad is doing (even though they know he's had problems because I told them and they gave me the blank "I don't give a crap" stare) or to say "I'm sorry" over Ollie dying. Let me just put it to you plain: I know we all like some people better than others. It's human nature, and this isn't a "shame on you" speech. But life has a way of throwing you curveballs sometimes, and one of reality's favorites is needing people that aren't on the list of approved people in your life. That person you're ignoring, hiding things from, talking about, or spraining your neck sticking your nose up at  may very well be the person you need tomorrow - badly. Play around too much, and they won't do their part, because people do know when you don't like them, and they may not be willing to "play along." And why should they? When you've made it clear that you don't care about them, then why should they go out of their way for you? 

I'm not saying you have to like everybody. That's impossible. What I am saying is that common courtesy can bridge gaps cased by personality differences. Let me tell you a few things that they don't teach you in basic getting-along-with-others advice: 

1. Not everybody is like you.
2. Not everybody sees the world like you do.
3. Not everybody experiences life the way you do.
4. Not everybody has to like you.
5. Not everything that's said or done is all about you (the world is a big place, and people know other people EVERYWHERE!).

If you're going to venture out into the world, you have to learn to work with and deal with people that are different from you. The #1 way of doing that is to express some interest in them outside their "function" in your world. Common courtesy and manners go a long way here. You might be a jerk, but I'm more willing to give you a  hand if you have the decency to ask "what's up" and lend me a hand every now and then than barging in with your demand list and assuming I'll do it "because you're Christian and it's the right thing." Uncomfortable truth: once the "right thing" is made a liability, what's right changes, and it won't be to your advantage. Once something is twisted, everything changes.

Simply stated, you have to learn to act like you give a crap every now and then, even if you don't care about them any more than you care about the extra 40 minutes in a Martian day. What you step on today may be what you trip over tomorrow. Burning bridges is a dangerous pastime, because life has a way of bringing you back around to places you never thought you'd see again. We all have to suck it up every now and then. And the more you want, the more you have to suck up.

God help, I'm no fool and neither is anybody else. Everybody can tell when the bar's set at a different place for them than for others. All I'm saying is that breaking out of your comfort zone to be courteous and find out what's up with the people you don't like as much can mean the difference between cooperation and conflict later. You never know when that moment might come. 

Just a heads up, people - discretion, discernment, and common courtesies. They aren't dead in the modern world. In fact, they're probably more important now than ever in an expanding worldwide network. Consider this a public service announcement to help you improve all of the relationships in your life - because relationships really are the most important thing. More than money, power, or popularity, it's relationships built on trust that matter the most. So build trust, and I'll bet you'll find nearly all of your battles won before you even fire a shot. 

That's all today. Take care and have a good week. 

Bye! 

I read an article in Psychology Today about more evolved ways to convince people to see things your way. It said that when we’re young, people usually convince through unabashed flattery, but this trick usually doesn’t work on those in their 30’s and older because they’re smart enough to see through it. The article had tips on “sneaky” ways to persuade people that aren’t so obvious.

That article inspired me to put the magazine right back on the rack and not buy it. (It also reminded me why I quit reading magazines in the first place – because they’re full of crap!) I couldn’t believe that a magazine touting itself for being up on the latest advancements in the mental health field missed it so badly on this issue. Why? Here again, we have another case where The Bible had the right answer centuries before modern science came up with the wrong one. And it’s such a simple answer that it’s pathetic.

You act like a civilized human being.

That’s it. Use wisdom and discernment in all your dealings, and it’s all a whole lot easier. You don’t have to wonder how to “get through.” You don’t have to wonder what will sweeten them up to you. If you have enough humility to realize that people aren’t going to always agree with you and enough wisdom to respect that, then you find working with others a lot easier. They may even be willing to help you out in other ways, even if they can’t or won’t deliver exactly what you want. And even if you lose, you usually find ways to work things out through that ugly word called compromise. You have to respect others as unique human beings with thoughts and feelings as valid as your own.

It amazes me, because people are usually looking for the easy way out of things, and yet on this they choose to struggle needlessly because of pride. I don’t know why it’s so hard for people to act like they give a crap. I don’t understand how playing games is easier to some than being genuine and building good, honest relationships based on mutual trust. I don’t know why it’s a stretch to try to care about what matters to others. One recent experience that drove this home was how people treated me and Rick when Ollie died a few weeks ago. People were very kind and compassionate – for 10 days. Yep, in a little over a week, people went right back to being themselves and pulling the same old stunts. Sad, but not shocking. A lot of things could be so much better if that were the norm instead of the mask.

I’m aware that none of us are perfect. I have enough of my own rough edges to remember that. But what most people don’t realize is that when it comes to using wisdom and discernment, you do get an ‘A’ for effort. Even if you miss the mark, people grant more grace for misjudging in an effort to do right than they will for the knife in the back. It’s one of the few areas in life where trying matters, and people can tell if you’re really trying, or just slathering on the margarine for what you want out of them next.

It seems to me that the Book of Proverbs has it right on this one. And I chose The Bible over Psychology Today every time. Sorry, science. I like you, but you lose this round.

That’s all today. Take care, and have a good week.

Bye!     

I've had something on my mind the past few weeks that I've debated on sharing here. But I think that if it's persisted on my conscious this long, then it's time to share it. And I'll go ahead and warn you: more sensitive types will find this offensive. But I think it's something worth pissing you off for if it gets you to thinking about it - or better yet, avoiding future problems.

Folks, here it is, plain and simple: I respectfully decline to attend any and all invitations pity parties, rants, raves, or "pieces of your mind" in 2014. One thing that I realized with my bout with the flu was that my exhaustion preceded it by MONTHS, and I naturally wondered why. Imagine my shock when I took a look around and realized how much negative energy I was surrounded by. No wonder! That will sap the life out of anybody, and I don't want to live under a cloud of anger, frustration, and gloom anymore. Add to that the fact that I've had a few people go off on me because SOMEBODY ELSE said or did something that pissed them off - mind you, something I had nothing to do with and wasn't even remotely around when it happened in some cases - and no thanks. Sure, I expect and deserve to be called when I'm the offender. But if I didn't cause the derailment, well, crash that train somewhere else. I'm not Amtrack. I have enough to attend to without taking on what's not my business. I don't know if I have 99 problems, but yours will not be one. I'm getting my own life back on track after a difficult (and in some places, painful) year, and restoring my balance from that is a job in and of itself. Things are working out and I'm trying very hard to make sure they stay on the right track without any more causalities than have already been taken.

I realize we all need to vent every now and then, but if you do it all the time, people don't want to be around you. Even doing it too frequently will have that affect. I saw a post on Facebook a few days ago where a friend of mind advised others to "keep their dirty laundry offline," but I'd say you need to confine it even more than that. Choose your confidents carefully. Use wisdom and discernment in thoughts, words, and actions. You don't have to be under arrest for Miranda rights to apply. Anything you say can and very likely will be used against you not only in the court of public opinion, but in reality as well.

I know, people shouldn't judge - and that doesn't stop them from doing it anyway. I know, people need to mind their own business - but gossip spreads faster than weeds, and what you say can come back to you long after you've resolved the problem and forgotten it. I know, you need help and support every now and then  - but there are some people that aren't afraid to use your problems against you, especially if it helps them (or worse yet, somebody else that they like better than you) to get ahead. I know, you need for people to understand and grant you some attention and compassion - but you need to follow up your words with action to bring about resolution. If you complain all the time and do nothing to even try to better your situation, people pass you off as so much hot air and let you go like a rubber balloon at a kids birthday party.



My point is this: ranting, raving, complaining, whining, screaming, and crying are meant to be temporary "overload" outlets. Use them with discretion. Implementing them too frequently not only drives others away, but drags you down too. Follow up words with thought. Follow up anger or tears with action. Take a proactive approach to either change your situation, or figure out how to better work with it. I know not all things can be changed, and plenty is out of your control - but one thing you can change is how you think about your situation. It really is true that changing how you think about something can change your life. It may take some time, but it can happen. I'm living proof of that, several times over. Don't let too much negative energy surround you for too long, or it will take you over. All things pass. Take one day at a time and try to do something each day that's positive and uplifting. Plan as best as you can for the future, and then let it go and come back to the present. You are where you are for a reason, so do your best to work with it, figure out what God wants you to do with it, and mine it for all the opportunity you can find. And, of course, here's my standard cure-all advice: pray and read The Bible. I started doing daily Bible readings again on January 1, and it's made a drastic difference in my mood and outlook. It's something I'd like to make a part of my daily lifestyle from now on.

In closing, I'll say that yes, we all have those "blow up" moments. God knows, I've had my fair share of train wrecks, a few in the past year. It's understandable, but unfortunately it can lead to consequences that you didn't intend or realize. "I'm sorry" is just the beginning of a long process of forgiveness, rebuilding, and moving on, and that's a process that's often longer than most of us are comfortable with. That's why we learn and try not to make those mistakes again. So now that I've put it out there for God and everybody to see on the Internet, let's file this one away for future reference. Personal experience + public posting acknowledgement = now we know better. Let's try to be more positive and avoid derailments in the future.

That's all today. Take care and have a great week.

Bye!

And I say let it die. The more agonizing it's demise, the better. I know a lot of people had a magnificent year, and for them I'm happy, but for me it was a bag full of crap. I shall escort this year out with my foot, if necessary. Come midnight, it WILL leave.

But before that, let me pause to wish our male sun conure, Zacchaeus (Zack), a very happy birthday! Our little sunshine is 14 today! And before the obligatory "good Lord!" flies, conures can live up to 30 years. So this little ball of energy isn't even middle aged yet, and he doesn't feel (or act) a day over 2. Happy birthday, sunshine! We love you!

Of course, Zack's birthday is New Year's Eve, which is a day people typically think about the year past and resolve on how to do better next year. This is something I've been considering for a while. You know 2013 was a tough year for me if you've been following this blog, and yesterday's Facebook post that the anger and depression circling me has to go is probably no surprise to most of you. But the question remains, how did it get to be this way? And to discover that, I have to take a look in the mirror and consider two things: what did I do wrong to backslide, and what have I done right that I can build on?

I think the cause is simple: there was a lot of change in 2013, and I was overwhelmed by it. I just didn't realize it at the time. I had the attitude that "I've faced worse, so this is nothing," but that wasn't necessarily true. I wasn't honest with myself or with others. Honestly, I was as scared as everybody else by everything shifting around me. I put on a brave face, but perhaps, I should have sat down for a moment and considered that, no matter what I've seen and what I've experienced (whether better or worse), I really wasn't as boldly confident in facing things as I acted. In other words, I underestimated myself. So one lesson learned in 2013: you can slay the dragon, and still die from a wasp sting, so to speak. Facing down bit monsters and getting around huge mountains doesn't guarantee that you've got the smaller stuff whipped. In fact, you may still be reeling from those big battles so much that you don't have as much left in you to face them the way you faced things last time. So there was the pitfall. I was too confident and not honest with myself. lesson learned.

As for the anger and depression thing, well, with change around every corner it's natural to wonder "how's life going to punch me in the stomach today?" but I don't have to accept that. I don't have to be a victim of circumstance, or of other peoples' decisions. I need to get back to slowing down and really looking at things and situations to mine the opportunity out of it. I haven't done that, and because of it I've become fearful and my outlook on the future has been downcast. I don't want to be that way. So I need to get back on track, to thoughtfully act with wisdom and consideration instead of reacting, and I believe that will help my overall outlook. I know you can't help everything that happens to you. In fact, there's a great deal you have no control over. But you can take your time to evaluate things and consider the best course of action. I haven't been doing that, and I need to get back to it. I'm not going to allow life to kick me in the rear anymore. Everybody else has been doing what's best for them, and I have a right to do the same. And so I shall.

The anger thing has been resolving itself over the past few months. It's been a journey, and not flattering in places, but I do see now that all that's happened and all people have done has wound out for the best. Things take time to settle and once again, my frustration in the tidal wave of change caused me to slip in discernment here and there. I'm sorry for that and while it might be too late in some circumstances to make things better and to admit to gaining perspective, well, I can say here that I was too hasty in some of my words here and there and I do realize now that it was all for the best. I also realize that discernment is always the way of wisdom. So I brush myself off, get back up, and resolve to learn from those mistakes and to more thoughtfully consider words, actions, and reactions to questions or inquiries  in the future. I tried, there were some places where I failed, so I have to face it, learn from it, and move on.

It seems that the key to a better 2014 (and beyond) is to:

Be honest with myself, and

Take time to prayerfully and thoughtfully consider all things, big and small.

Yes, I brought a great deal of this on, but that doesn't mean that I have to stay down. I underestimated myself, my reactions, and my emotions this year. I slipped, thinking that I had defeated bigger things and let smaller things undermine me. Lesson learned. I shall be more prayerful, diligent, and thoughtful from now on. And I don't have to wait for the fireworks to go off at midnight to start it, either. I can do it right now. I've come too far to fail now, and I need to renew my commitment to protecting and building on the blessings I've worked so hard for.

So all in all, that's my resolution for 2014: to do better. It might sound vague when you boil it all down to basics, but it covers a big journey through 2013 and what I hope to take forward from it. And no doubt, that journey will show when I start writing the sequel to Move in the next month or so. In fact, it's a large part of what's inspired me to go back to that story and do more with it. Stay tuned for progress on that one. I'm excited about that journey!

Happy New Year to you. Stay safe, and enjoy it.

Bye!

So the big question remains, what have I learned from the past year? I believe two very important lessons come to mind in reviewing my last entry of the highlights of 2013:

1. The importance of persistence. Sometimes, people are too quick to give up. Things get a little hard and they don't have time for that. But here's the thing: anything that leads to blessing or reward is going to get a little sticky now and then, and you have to commit to seeing things through. If you're brought to it, the best way to deal is to go through it. Even if you get around that mountain and you still can't see what good it did or what the point was, there's no denying that you probably took some valuable knowledge, skills, or lessons from it that will be greatly beneficial in the future. People are too quick to run when things get hard, and then they wonder why things never seem to work out better. It's because they get caught in a cycle of mediocrity, when getting through that one big, huge, awful thing was in itself the key to a better life. Yes, hanging in there can hurt like hell, but the only way to get to better ways and better days is to work through the pain and defeat what's trying to defeat you. You never win if you give up. Sure, there are times when it's best to gracefully walk away, but they're usually tied to things we went into in error or that are damaging to us, which leads to the second big lesson of 2013 which is ...

2. The importance of discernment. It's so easy to get bogged down in the tunnel vision of your own perspective and to forget that not everybody sees the world or experiences life the same way you do. People by and large fail to pull back and consider a "big picture" perspective of things. I know I fell in this trap, and it took going to The Grand Canyon and literally leaving everything familiar 2,700 miles away to realize that the world is a lot bigger than I realized, and that the situations probably were too. We get too comfortable, even with our problems, and fail to see solutions or things that could be extremely valuable and beneficial with us.  

So basically, I learned that it's important to take the long view and to not give up, because it's all bigger than we realize. Does hitting a butterfly outside my house make it rain in New Zealand? I don't know, but it's certainly possible that even the smallest thing can cause waves and ripples far beyond anything you realize or know. A careless word or action can change how somebody thinks of you forever; just as a carefully planned, wise response can be the building blocks to blessings more amazing than you can imagine.

It might not seem like much, but they're significant realizations that have shifted my paradigm. So how about you? What has 2013 taught you? And how will you take those lessons into 2014 and beyond?

That's all today. Have a Happy Friday and a great weekend.

Bye!

On this, my 38th birthday, I find my self pondering the progress of the past year. I suppose this is a natural thing to do on a birthday. On first glance it could seem disappointing, as there are no "major" changes to report, but that's actually deceptive. There have been changes in the past year, but they've been more in the way of "shifts" instead of what could be clearly defined as "changed." I suppose this sounds somewhat elusive, so of course I'm going to explain.

The progress of the past year has actually been more in the way of building on things that have already been in motion. While it doesn't seem that much has changed - after all, life is progressing along very much the same today as it was a year ago - I can't say that I think about or feel the way that I did about life as I did one, two, or five years ago. In fact, as I ponder it, I notice that my paradigm has shifted quite a bit in the last 4 years. I suppose this is natural. My job changed and I finally broke into publication with my writing in 2010 - 2011, and while these things are "the norm" in my life right now, I see how incorporating those changes into my life has changed my view of life and the world. My basic morals haven't changed. That's not something that's likely to change. But the way you see the world around you and apply those morals can change, and I'm starting to see the evidence that it's happened. When you walk in faith long enough, you delve deeper into things, and that's certainly what's happened to me.

So how have I changed? For one, I'm seeing a whole new application of the concept of "reaping and sowing," as described in Galatians 6:7. You all know that this is one thing that my grandfather was a big believer in, and I took it to heart. But this verse applies to more than just relationships with other people and how you treat them - it also applies to progress and purpose in life. In fact, if you shift two more verses you'll read that "in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart." (Galatians 6:9) After several years of hard work to re-establish myself professionally in my current workplace and to get my writing established, I see the value of patience in all that we do. If life really is a series of ups and downs, reaping and sowing, then that has big implications for all of life. If we choose to only allow ourselves to be happy on the mountaintop, when we're reaping the rewards of our labors, then we're guaranteed to be miserable (or at least, withholding our own happiness) at least 50% of our life. Folks, that just isn't acceptable to me. That's not going to do it. Sure, there are some people that enjoy being miserable and whining and complaining to get attention, but that's not the way I choose.

I know from experience that there are blessings in every day because I've been through the major life changes when I looked back and realized that there were little blessings that I took for granted, and I was sorry for it. An example: before my writing was published, I used to do counted cross stitching and wrote short stories. Much to my surprise, I find that I have very little time for that now, between promoting my published works and creating new ones. I love my writing and pray daily that it will continue to grow and reach more people - in fact, I'm prayerfully striving to make a break into science fiction with Splinter this fall - but there are some days when I miss having the time to cross stitch, or to goof off on Writing.com with short story contests. I didn't realize how much time these things filled in my life until my writing grew to the point where I had to make decisions about what stayed and what went. I still stitch occasionally, but large projects are out now. And as for short stories, they take me longer to write, prepare, and complete than they once did. And ditto for the work move. I was glad to make it and still believe it was the best, but I didn't realize the little things I took for granted, like talking to a couple of my friends when things got slow, the great walking paths on the State House grounds, a covered parking spot or those outstanding subs for a great price on Tuesdays and Fridays. Yes, I've gained a lot through both changes. I wouldn't undo either of them or the world because I gained a lot more than I lost. But I did learn to not despise the small things, and to appreciate the small blessings that go with each day as well as the big things we work so hard to cultivate and grow in our lives.

Some people say this means to "enjoy the journey on the way to where you go," but I think there's a deeper meaning than that. A devotion I read recently said, "God doesn't want you to be happy. He wants you to do what's right." That really hit me and helped me to get a grasp on my own paradigm shift. I used to think that the point was about being happy, and I actually worried for a little while, wondering if I'd ever be happy like I was before. I see now that I won't, because happy is a side effect. The purpose of life is not to serve our feelings, but to do what we're supposed to be doing and work hard to do what's right for our purpose in life. If you are faithful in well doing and obedient to the spirit, there's a contentment to your life that nothing - situations, circumstances, or other people and their attitudes (because that really reflects on them more than anything else, but that's a pondering for another entry) - can affect. You can rest in knowing that you're doing all you can, and that allows you to enjoy the blessings of every day, large or small. And contentment is better than happiness. It's more stable, because you can still see the blessing in what you have even if a thousand aggravations are bleeding out of them. It's built on a firmer foundation that gives you the patience to hold out for the "bigger picture" even if you don't understand what the point is (as is often the case). It's built on a trust between you and the Lord and nobody else can put their hands on it. And that can give you the courage to do what's right, even in the face of ridicule, opposition, or doubt. Happiness is transient and comes and goes with circumstances. Contentment is faith in action.

No, the earth hasn't moved in the last year. Things look much the same today as they do every other day. But I know they aren't. I see how the work at the everyday levels is building to something new and better. I might not know what yet, but when it is revealed then I'll reap a reward in due season, and be glad I didn't lose heart.

That's all today. I hope you have a great week.

Bye!

Oops, Anthony Weiner did it again. A year after resigning from the House of Representatives over a sexting scandal, he got in the NYC Mayor race – and did it again. And no, he’s not dropping out of the race. His attitude is why should I? I admitted it – again. I apologized – again. You should give me a second chance – again. 

I believe this hits at what’s wrong not only with our political system, but in society in general. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t forgive. We certainly should, and all people deserve a chance to start over and get it right next time. The problem is that we typically forsake discernment in the name of forgiveness. We don’t want to worry about it anymore, so we skip the “demonstrating reformed character” part of the process in the interest of calling it done.  

I read How to Forgive ... When You Don't Feel Like It by June Hunt several years ago, and I was looking back over it for another project recently. It’s a great book and I highly recommend it to everybody, because Hunt clarifies so much about what forgiveness is and isn’t in this book. Best of all, it’s not a long read. One of the things she cautions is to not allow “I’m sorry” to become what I call a “get out of jail free” card. She urges you to remember that forgiveness is something to release you from anger, but it does not absolve you from using wisdom in discerning character and determining the parameters of future relationships – or if resuming the relationship is even wise to do at all (which, in some cases, it isn’t). She states that forgiveness is only one step of a process, and that trust must be rebuilt if a relationship is to be resumed. Specifically, Hunt urges that we look for “observable, consistent behavior to substantiate trust” before we even consider granting privileges after a breech of trust. I think this is perfectly reasonable, and fair. Sure, we all backslide from time to time, but people who are sincere will be quick to repent and get back on track. You’ll see in time who means “I’m sorry” and who uses it as a “get out of jail free” card. And  sadly, there are people that do that. Apologies are nothing but tools to them. I know 1 or 2 people who backslide so frequently and regularly that I can set my watch by their crying/whining fits (and you know that's made it's way into my books - I'd be lying if I didn't say it inspired more than one of my antagonists). “Oops, I did it again” is more than a Brittney Spears song to some people. It’s a way of life. And here’s where we really need to be careful and make sure the radar is on and our senses are sharpened in dealing with anger, forgiveness, and moving forward. 

I know a lot of people are grumbling “well, you don’t trust anybody, do you Little Miss Sunshine?” No, it doesn’t mean that. Actually, there’s a very simple test to see whether you need to put somebody on your radar or not: Look at how they treat those closest to them. They aren’t going to treat you any better than they treat their spouse and/or children, so watch how they treat them and you’ll have a good idea of their regard for people in general. They aren't going to treat anybody better than those closest to them, so if they have blatant disregard for their inner circle then you're asking to build up a lovely knife collection from the ones they will stick in your back the minute it's turned. Obviously, Weiner has little regard for his wife to have done this again. And if he cares that little for her, do you really think he cares for the people of New York City? I have my doubts. Voters would be a fool to believe that that Weiner has anything other than salvaging his political career in mind in this campaign. Let’s hope they remember that on election day. But you never know. Mark Sanford won back his congressional seat last spring, after leaving the Governor’s office in disgrace a few years back. Of course, his wife left him, and other than disputes with her, there have been no further indiscressions (that we know of, anyway). It could be that he’s ready for public office again. Time will tell. Thankfully, Sanford wasn’t running in my district, so I didn’t have to go to the polls and make this determination myself. 

Sure, we all make mistakes. That’s part of being human. We just have to be mindful of learning our lessons and getting back on the right path when all is said and done. And when it comes to trust, we must remember that rebuilding it always takes longer than building it – and the more it’s fractured, the longer it takes to do that. 

Let’s pray the lessons sink in nice and deep, and that we don’t make the same mistakes twice. 

That’s all today. 

Bye!

I recently accepted that I don't have to know everything that's going on - and that's fine. In fact, that's preferable. Frankly, I wish I had come to this realization a decade ago, but I guess the multiple responsibilities of approaching mid-life finally opened my eyes to the fact that I can't handle it all, and the truth is that I don't want to.

That might not seem like much of a revelation. In fact, you might be saying it's the better part of maturity to come to this realization. I agree, but I also say it's another facet of appreciating the lost virtue of discernment in life. Sure, we know that it's vital to reign in our tongues in work situation, but usually that's where the fine line of discretion ends. We seem to live in a society that believes that if it flies through our brains, it needs to fly out of our mouths, and those closest to us should toughen up to handle "the real us." Frankly, I don't know how that filthy lie survived into the twenty-first century. It was extolled in a very small portion of the mental health sector for a very short while, but most mental health professionals agreed that this was crap even when I was in college in the early to mid 90's. I think social media has a lot to do with it. When anger fueled blogs get thousands of hits and ignite online debates and tirade posts get hundreds of "likes," it gives an impression that anger and frustration is popular, when in fact those very same things can cost you down the line if it falls in the wrong hands - which is easy, considering that the World Wide Web is, well, worldwide.

Discernment isn't popular, but it's a vital virtue if you want a peaceful life. I know that it's a given that we all have an "inner circle" of family and friends that we share most of ourselves with and our lives with, and that's completely right and natural. We all need that inner circle, but it's also natural that this circle will be small. Rick and I were watching the finale of Star Trek - Enterprise the other night, and something that Tripp said really struck me. He said "I can count on one hand the number of people that I trust. Not just trust as in 'I know you, and believe you,' but trust as in 'I know for certain they would never do anything to hurt me.'" It was a powerful statement, but really not much of a revelation unless you take the time to think about it. Folks, one thing that people don't seem to understand is that trust isn't a right; it's a privilege that's earned. You simply don't have the time or energy to invest the kind of work that building an "inner circle" relationship requires with everybody in your life.  That's okay, because everybody you know doesn't need to know everything about your life. And frankly, they don't need to.

I'd say that most of the people we know can be trusted only to a certain extent, but a line needs to be drawn and we need to know when to talk and when to shut up. A good litmus test of this: when they stop listening, stop talking. You've hit the limit and there's no need to say more. Now you know how much they're willing to handle. Give them no more. To do so might actually be dangerous. Because there are people out there that will use what they know about you to stab you in the back. Take it from one who knows. I have a lovely knife collection that I've pulled out of my back over the years. I've never been hurt by holding back or, as the saying goes, what I didn't say. You learn to gauge people and situations and when to keep it shut. And knowing when to shut up - and even when to not talk at all - can be tremendously beneficial.

How, you might ask? Well, there are benefits to discernment. The first and most obvious is that you learn more from watching and listening than from talking. It's amazing what you stumble across when you quietly tune in to what's going on around you. People have a tendency to forget that sound carries and you can learn a lot, even from a one sided conversation (just look at what happened to Jana Lanning in Anywhere But Here - half a phone conversation broke things wide open!). But there's another benefit, too. Think about this: how many people trust a gossip? I mean, really trust them? Sure, they talk to a lot of people and seem popular, but activate those listening skills and you'll notice that people are very selective about what they share with these "friends." It's truly a situation of "keep your friends close and your enemies closer," because they see the knife collection hiding behind the smile and know they're one slip-up from adding to their own knife collection. But how much more willing are they to talk to somebody that rarely converses with too many people? A lot more. It's simple human nature. People tend to fill silences with words.
 
If you keep to yourself and your business, you'll be amazed at what people will tell you if you simply ask. And why shouldn't they? You aren't a threat to them. and the information, they assume, probably isn't any good and you're merely curious and trying to "fit in" or "stay in the know." Let them think it. It's a great benefit, but one word of caution - use it sparingly. Asking too many questions will mark you as "odd" or "nosy" and people will shut you down. They'll figure you're up to something and will shut you out. So keep it simple, keep quiet, listen, watch, and only ask in the most vital or important of situations. Or if it would be natural for you to ask, because it obviously affects you personally.

And then there's my realization that I don't need to know everything that's going on. People aren't going to tell you everything, and that's okay. It isn't always nefarious motives or a blatant effort to "leave you out." Sometimes they forget, or they don't want to worry you. Trust their good intentions and let it go. And for those instances when people do like having their secrets and hanging it over you, just let it go. You aren't responsible for what you don't know and frankly, who needs more responsibilities in life? My life is full. I don't need any more. Heck, somedays I'm so busy that my "give a crap" capacity is gone by noon. It's just crank it out and keep it going. So yes, please, keep some things to yourself and let me take care of my own madness over here. Letting go of having to know what's going on with everybody all the time took a tremendous burden off my shoulders. And who doesn't need that?

Yes, it was a wonderful realization, and I truly don't know why more people don't extoll the virtue of discernment. Discretion is tough, of course, especially when you're angry, frustrated or upset, but it's well worth it to hold back and ponder your responses and reactions.  A minute of thought can prevent years of regret from lack of sel

There are some phrases in widespread, common use that seem to be universal hot buttons to piss people off. Really, I don’t understand how it became commonplace for people to say things that erode the very respect that relationships are built on, and yet I hear people say it – and complain about having these things said to them – frequently. 

Certainly, we should always be honest and authentic in our dealings with people, but discernment is an absolute necessity in our dealings with ALL people. Just because it flies through your brain doesn’t mean it needs to fly out of your mouth, and in fact there are many times when it’s best to keep that thought in your head and fake it till you make it with your words (or silence, depending on the situation). For example, here are some phrases you should eliminate (or at least, drastically reduce) in your vocabulary that will garner more respect, motivate people to cooperate and work well with you, and make you appear more intelligent and savvy:

1.   “Whatever.” Nothing coveys the ignorant-inconsiderate-jerk trifecta like this one word phrase. You have the entire English language at your disposal and that’s all you’ve got? If it is, then it’s time to recognize the uncomfortable fact that sometimes, the best course of action is to gracefully back away and let silence be golden. And if you refuse to exercise the right to remain silent, then a simple “I hope that works out for you and wish you luck” is much more dignified than throwing out something that makes you look like a cross between an immature tween and a person that’s learning English as a second language -  and isn’t quite getting it.

2.    “Do what you’ve got to do.” I don’t hear this one as much as I used to, but it’s still out there, and it’s a sin for the same reasons as “whatever.” More accurately, that’s redneck for “I don’t like what you’re doing and would move Heaven and Earth to stop you, but that would reveal me as a selfish jerk to the rest of the world and I don’t want to do that, so go on and get this over with so you can get back to doing things that make me happy.” It isn’t your job to like or even understand everything that other people do, so let go and accept that people have a right to lead their lives, do things, and make decisions that work best for them regardless of what you say, think, or need. Instead, say “I understand this is important to you.” Even if you don’t and you hope it blows up in their face, just fake it and at least acknowledge their right to live as they see fit.  Because I guarantee you’ve done things that made them go “Hmmm” in the past . Plus,  if you want people to stay interested in your life, then you have to at least act like you give a crap about them and their life, even if you don’t care about them any more than you care about the extra 40 minutes in a Martian day. 

3.   “That’s not my problem.” I stand back when people say this because it’s an open invitation for the universe to hit you with its best shot, and that’s a challenge it ALWAYS accepts. Sure, you aren’t responsible for every single thing that happens in the world, and there are some things that aren’t your business, but have some dignity in declining to accept responsibility that you feel isn’t yours. “I’m sorry I can’t help you with that” is much more gracious and doesn’t invite fate, the universe, the world, or whatever you wish to call it to deliver an entirely new batch of problems into your life. Fake sympathy for the other persons’ plight even if you don’t really feel it because you WILL be at the receiving end of this one day, and the measure you get will be the measure you’ve given. It happens to us all.

4.  “You don’t really want that,” or “Stop wasting your time on that and do this instead.” Excuse me, when did God appoint you to His position, because that’s what it looks like you’re playing at with either variation of this. You have no way of knowing what’s in other peoples’ hearts or what plans are in store for them, and they aren’t required to get your approval for it, either. People have a right to make their own decisions. You never know what might happen and statements like this may very well make a fool of you one day. Don’t take a chance. 

5.  “I told you so.” Even if you preface it with the I-hate-to-say-it-but clause, it’s still ridiculous because they already know. Demonstrate some maturity and don’t gloat over somebody’s failings, even if they asked for it and everybody knew it was foolishness from the start. As I said in the last statement, people have a right to make their own decisions and that means having the grace to let them make their own mistakes. Pray they’ve learned from the experience, and don’t gloat lest you wander into folly someday. Because none of us are as smart as we think we are. 
 
6.    “ I did that too, and let me tell you how I did it better.” Nobody likes a know-it-all or a show off, and a constant need to one-up people blinks “I’m insecure!” brighter than a digital billboard. You don’t have to be in the spotlight every minute of every day. Back down and let others have their day in the sun every now and then. Because we all know that nobody’s done everything under the sun, and there will always be people out there that have done it bigger, better and more recently than you have. Let go of the competition to always be #1 and learn to be happy with the life the Lord gave you.

7.   “If I were you, I’d …” Turn off anybody that prefaces a statement with this immediately, because it’s a clear sign that they don’t know what they’re talking about. Wisdom gives options. Experience shares insight. Ignorance says that if they were you, they’d go out and kick the world in the you-know-where, and that’s most often foolishness that would make a bigger mess of things if anybody were dumb enough to take this advice. Plus, they wouldn’t have the guts to actually do it, because some people are good at telling people to do things they wouldn’t dare do themselves.

8.     “You should make them do it.” Guess what? Scientists have found the center of the universe and it’s not you. That’s the fastest way to run a person out of your life. You don’t make anybody do anything they don’t want to do, and if you try to then trust me – you’re ego can’t handle what they really think about you. If you have to control someone every minute to “keep them in line,” then you’re trying to force them into a place or relationship where they don’t belong. Don’t beg people to be your friend or try to force them to your will. Pray for what Joyce Meyer refers to as “divine connections.” Those are friends and acquaintances that you get along with so well that you don’t want to change them because you appreciate how their uniqueness enriches your life. 

9.     “I would NEVER do that/accept that/put up with that.” Never say never or the Lord will make you do it to show you who the boss really is. One never in your life that’s absolute: you never know what life has in store for you. Someday you could well be dining on crow while dealing with something that you thought you were too smart/special/good for. Life has a way of humbling us, and the “I would never” statements are a GPS on how to get that done. 

10.   Anything other than “I’m sorry for your loss” and “I’m praying for you and your family” at a visitation or funeral. Anything else sounds stupid and believe me, there’s nothing clever or inspirational you can say that will get through people in the depths of grief. The dumbest things I’ve ever heard have all been said at visitations and/or funerals because people try to justify death and offer comfort in religious platitudes. Folks, I’m Christian too, but this isn’t seminary or time to play preacher. I remember what C.S. Lewis wrote about death not being natural because human beings weren’t created to die and it’s the most painful consequence that we pay for sin. He’s absolutely right. There’s nothing right about death and there’s no way to wrap it up in pretty phrases or platitudes that makes it suck less. So give it up. Don’t engage in conversations with the bereaved if they try to start one, either. This isn’t the time or place to engage in theological discussions, discuss anything beyond condolences for the loss (no gossip or “what’s up with me” statements), and it certainly isn’t appropriate to leverage your personality or make a big impression. It’s a subdued occasion so dial it down, make an appearance, and for goodness sake, shut up.

Maybe you relate to some of this and are nodding, saying thank you for revealing it! Or maybe you see it as a calling out. I certainly don’t mean it that way, and I admit that I’m guilty of uttering some of these phrases. In fact, I  had to work at cutting the “whatever” and “I told you so” out of my vocabulary, and I get along with people so much better now that it’s gone. My point is not to say “shame on you.” It’s  to shed light on small things that chip away at trust and give guidance that I’ve learned in building bridges to cooperative relationships that last. It takes time and effort, but if modifying my vocabulary slightly will help with that, then it’s an effort worth making. I believe if you’ve read this far then you believe it’s a worthy effort, too.

That’s all today. Take care. I hope you have a Happy Friday tomorrow and a great weekend. 
 
Bye!

Many of you know that I have my bachelor’s degree in psychology. My original life plan was to get my master’s degree and become a therapist but obviously, that didn’t happen. I went into administrative work, started writing, built a house, and now here I am. 

I’m still glad I got my undergraduate degree in psychology because frankly, that education is something I can apply to every area of my life. At some time or another, it’s helped me in every area of life and it continues to. But I don’t regret foregoing the higher education and the original life plan because frankly, I think I’d be ill suited to be a therapist. I thought it would be a great way to
help people, but if there’s one thing that the 16 years since college graduation taught me, it’s that people won’t change unless they are internally motivated to do so. That usually comes from one of two things: the threat of losing something they don’t want to live without, or a court order (and those are violated often (and frequently enough that I’m thinking about taking that off the list).  Usually, when people break down and seek guidance for things, they either want a pill to fix them nice and quick, or an excuse to stay exactly the way they are and demand that the world accommodate them. As if that’s going to happen. 

I know this sounds cynical, but people thought I was an idealist when I was younger. They should be happy to hear such an admission out of me. Few people would have the guts to go on an open forum like the Internet and say yep, you were right on
that one. The idealism isn’t 100% gone, though, because there are still some things that, to this day, blow up my brain. I just don’t get it, and no amount of talking is helping me to understand the logic behind some things such as:

1.People that “let it fly,” then complain about being lonely. I’m not saying to sugar coat everything because that’s fake and ridiculous, but every word that flies through your brain doesn’t need to fly out of your mouth either. The problem is; people don’t give a crap about what you think 99% of the time, and the other percent it’s only to get your agreement, money, support, or vote.  Truth is fine but you have to deliver it with discernment. If you just say what you think, unedited, then people are going to avoid you because you come across as rude, and everybody responds better to respect than to criticism. Building and maintaining relationships means you have to at least act like you care, even if you don't care anymore about them and their problems than the extra 40 minutes in a Martian day.

 2. Envy and jealousy. Folks, I’ve known people that have married, moved, bought high ticket items and ruined their finances because they simply couldn’t stand the fact that someone had something that they didn’t (or had something newer, bigger, or better than they had). Then they got depressed and angry when it didn’t work out for them. Usually, that failure came from not being willing or able to do the work that goes with having the prize. Then again, I remember hearing Joyce Meyer say once that if you put yourself in a place that the Lord doesn’t mean for you to be, then it’s up to you to keep yourself there. That’s tough, but there’s another reason I don’t understand this:  if you have time to fixate on what other people have, then you aren’t investing enough into making your own life the best it can be. Sure, you should care about and support other people, but your primary focus should be on taking care of and growing the talents the Lord provided to you, not on what He gave to other people. Work with
what you’ve got and if He means for you to have it, He’ll bring it to you in the best timing – and give you what you need to keep you there. 

3.People that are sure they’re better than everybody else. I like what C.S. Lewis said about “a good man knows he isn’t good because he can see his badness. A bad man thinks he’s great guy because he can’t see his badness.” Before you say “it’s not personal, it’s just business,” I’ll be bold enough to tell you that’s absolute crap. I’ve worked at different places and I can tell you from recent experience that people are not like that everywhere. There are good, honest people working hard to do what’s right and succeeding at it. I’ll go further and say that I’m fortunate enough to work with an entire group of them. Acting like you’re king or queen of the world isn’t commanding respect, it’s arrogant and makes you look like an insecure fool. Please, get over yourself before you sprain something sticking up your nose at people. There will always be people in authority over you. You gain more by working hard and being dependable than having attitude and playing games. Because folks, nobody wins all the time and if you play games, you'll eventually lose.

4.Know it alls. You know the type I mean. There’s always somebody around that has seen it all, heard it all, and done it all – and probably bigger, better and more recently than you did. I have to admit that these types are a paradox to me. The pompous attitude is infuriating, but they also amuse me greatly because through all that big talk I know that a jack of all trades is a master at none. I’d rather know a few things well then know nothing well at all, but I guess some people don’t feel the same way. Anyway, the Bible says that King Solomon was the wisest man that ever lived, so give it up. You aren’t him and nobody knows everything under the sun. It  seems to me that people respect humility over knowledge any day. And nobody likes a know it all. 

5.People that use the telephone as a surrogate brain. This was the #1 reason why we (and many others, I hear) gave up our land line. The amount of time wasted by dealing with unnecessary phone calls is ridiculous. There are people that feel like they need to make a telephone call every time they have a thought. There are other people that feel like they need to make a telephone call every time a question pops in their head. There are some that do both. And this is what makes the telephone the #1 most abused thing in human history. I hope that Alexander Graham Bell isn’t still in purgatory answering for why he created something that has incrementally decreased human intelligence over the years because I know he didn’t mean for it to come to this. But I take heart in knowing that the abuse of this tool is offset by the greatest things that have been invented since the telephone: Ignore buttons and “do not disturb” mode. If only every telephone were required to be equipped with these! 

6.Basketball. I sent out tweets and posts on Facebook in the fall asking people “do you like basketball?” I don’t, but I was just wondering because the last people I heard admit to liking it were of my grandparents generation. The request was largely ignored, but the few responses I got were a resounding “no!” So why is it all about March Madness now? Hello? I thought people didn’t like basketball? 

Hmm. Maybe I should have been a therapist because I could charge these people by the hour to explain themselves to me. As it is, all I can do is avoid them when I can and take notes to put them in my next novel when I can’t. But who knows? I have several books published and if I keep writing then this will all work out okay anyway.

As for the basketball thing, I don’t know. Maybe that’s something else to add to the list of crazy that I am. But at least I know it’s a strange thing about me. That’s the one thing about having a psychology degree. Other people think you’re always analyzing them, but the truth is that you spend more time analyzing yourself. And there’s no hiding from what you know is out of whack there!

I hope you enjoyed this silly musing on reality. Happy Friday to you. Take care and have a great weekend. 

Bye!