Blog Archives

Bleed it Out - Part 2

1/30/2013

Hi everybody! I wanted to let you know that Feathered Frenzy - A Quick Guide to Adapting Birds into Your Life was published through Smashwords and KindleDirect today. Go me!

If you know anybody that's new to bird ownership, or is just looking for a good overview of information, this is their book. I give advice, tips, tricks, and general knowledge I've gathered over 25 years of being a "bird mommy" that can help to make life with birds in your home easier, less stressful, and more enjoyable.

And look at that cover. Aww! It's Zack and Chloe! (I sure wish Ollie would have gotten in that picture like we asked but NO, he doesn't like having his picture taken ...)

So go check it out! It's available on Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Feathered-Frenzy-Quick-Adapting-ebook/dp/B00B85EJYO/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1359588239&sr=8-6&keywords=Feathered+Frenzy and on Smashwords at http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/280462 .

I'm so excited to publish another book! Thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement with my writing and in all I do.

That's all today. More later.

Bye!

Bleed It Out

1/29/2013

I did it! I completed the final draft of Move last night and sent it to one of my publishers! Now cross your fingers and pray they accept it for publication. I hope they do. I've put a lot into this one. It's my longest novel to date at around 60,600 words. And you all know that I've worked on it, and worked on it, and researched it, and slaved over it. But it's worth it. I feel it's a good story and it's ready for the world - or at least, it will be when I get the right publisher and editor working on it with me.

Another world created. I enjoyed working on this one. In a way, I'm sad that it's done! I loved that world and it's sad to leave it - and the characters that really do seem like familiar friends to me - behind. I pulled from all over, passed along some lessons learned (and reinforced), drew from lots of experiences, and relationships, and people that have come and gone in my life over the years. Indeed, a writer's muse draws from reality and experience. Every time the world cracks open a bit more, it's a ray of inspiration to creating our own new worlds.

Such is the life of a novelist. You bleed it out through your writing. All you learn, all you know, all you do, everything around you, inspires you to create new characters and worlds that mirror reality and reflect what you know to the world in visions that allow them to escape, and yet take your world back to their own.

Yes, I love being a novelist. And even though I plan to take a break from novels for a little while to focus on writing short stories and articles, I know I'll be back. I always am. I hope the ideas never run out.

Naw, that won't happen. Where there's life, there's inspiration. And that's a ray of hope that keeps me going.

That's all today. Take care.

Bye!

The Mind-Body Connection

1/27/2013

One thing I think too many of us take for granted is our physical state. We're so busy that we don't worry about taking care of ourselves. I can see why, in a way. With all of our responsibilities, it can seem like self-care is a full time job in itself - and a job we don't have time for. You can't neglect it, though. And I think we all have to learn that lesson the hard way. We don't realize until we're flat on our back sick - or injured - that our health is the foundation of everything.

You know what I mean. You push yourself to the brink until your body can't take it anymore, and one day, you crash. Tell me, how many of you have been knocked out by the flu this winter? Come on, folks. Germs are only so much to blame. You're body can fight off a lot, if you take care of it. The problem is, we don't.

I'm just as guilty as the next person. I don't eat right all of the time. I'm on and off my exercise routine so much that I'm ashamed of myself. And I used to have a bad habit of staying up too late and skimping on sleep while I had novels in progress or during busy times, until the past year, when I realized I simply couldn't function on skipping on sleep anymore. That was one habit I had no choice but to break. In fact, I changed my work schedule late last summer to help in that endeavor. Extra time int he mornings has been the best thing I've done for myself in a long time.

The truth is that the body isn't going to tolerate neglect for too long. It will break down and fail you unless you take proper care of it. That's why it's imperative that you take care of yourself - because frankly, if your body isn't in good shape then you aren't going to be as effective and efficient as you could be. Taking the time to take care of yourself pays off by making the rest of your work and efforts more productive. You work better when you're well rested. You have more energy when you eat right and exercise. You concentrate better when you take time out each day to rest, relax, and spend time doing things you enjoy. All work and no play doesn't only make Jack a dull boy, but it makes him dysfunctional as well. Proper balance means taking care of yourself so you can take care of your responsibilities.

This is something I have to be reminded of from time to time. Rick recently asked me about getting back to my resolution of getting on the treadmill. I got sick with my sinuses recently, and ironically I slipped from that one, already. I reasoned that I might as well work on finalizing my novel since I couldn't exercise, but I got better and, well, finishing the novel was more interesting that the treadmill. And I do feel better when I exercise regularly. I know I need to make it a habit in my life again. I'm working on it, like so many other people are working on making themselves better so they can have a better life.

Yes, it's a struggle, I know. There's so much to do. But don't do it at the expense of yourself. There's just too much at stake, and when it come to mind or body, well, body usually wins. Because if you don't have your health, you don't have anything.

That's all today. Have a great week.

Bye!

Attitude Adjustments

1/24/2013

A blog series on balance wouldn't be complete without addressing the one overriding issue of how our attitude affects everything else in life.

I'm going to be very honest here: I've seen and dealt with a lot of people with sassy, snippy attitudes that seem to believe they can force the world to conform to their expectations and bow to their wishes. Then they wonder why good things don't happen to them and why they keep getting "bum luck." Their ignorance absolutely amazes me. I simply don't understand how people can go through life with a two ton chip on their shoulder and expect good things to come to them when all they send out is negative energy. And yet, it seems to be a huge problem. It's a problem everywhere. It's a problem all the time. I'd dare to say, it's been a problem since the dawn of human history.

I know I talk about reaping and sowing a lot, and I certainly don't mean to beat you with a Bible. So I'll put it in worldly terms that should make sense to everybody.

What would you think if you planted tomatoes and cucumbers grew? You'd probably be surprised and angry. Those were tomato seeds, so how the heck did cucumbers come out of the ground? That's not right. You'd say okay, somebody sold me the wrong seeds, or something went wrong. Fortunately, that doesn't happen. If you plant tomatoes, you get tomatoes. It's how nature operates. It's how the world works.

Well, that sense or order and balance extends through all of nature and folks, I know you don't like to believe it but you are part of nature. No, you aren't the center of the universe. You aren't the center of the world. You aren't even the center of the little blip you occupy in the space/time continum. You're part of a whole, and that whole has a sense of balance to it that simply can't - or won't - be violated.

There's only so much energy in the universe and much like those seeds, you can only get back what you put out. So if you're rude and confrontational, you aren't going to make friends because people aren't going to trust you. They will, in fact, go to great pains to not only avoid you, but they won't be inclined to help you either. As the saying goes, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. You can't get a blessing if you send out curses. That's just the way it is. Sorry folks, I don't make the rules. I'm just as insignificant a blip on the horizon as you are and I'm just reporting the facts. As Mark Twain once said, "the world doesn't care what you want. It was here first."

I'm saying this not only because it's true, but because I really hate to see people make their life harder than it has to be. I certainly don't mean for this to be a reprimand or a dressing down, but if you feel chastised, well, maybe it's not altogether a bad thing. Life is unpredictable and difficult enough. There's no need to make it harder by being a jerk. And if you're a jerk, it will be harder because you set up unnecessary struggles and create problems that you don't need to have. I shake my head at people going around with their bad selves because their attitude is screaming "come and get me! I dare you!" to the universe - and that's a challenge that's always answered. There are more than a few people I'd hate to be. They might have whipped things into shape for a time, but I wouldn't want to be them when they pay the price for their attitude. That's going to be a mighty painful one to pay up when it comes due.

I'll be frank. We all tend to get out of line from time to time. Every woman in the world can be a witch with a capital "B." Every man in the world can be a jerk. It's our human nature to show our ugly when the going gets tough, or when we feel challenged. We must remember, though, that human nature is imperfect. If we want the riches of grace and blessing to come our way, we have to overcome those base instincts and strive for the higher calling of decency, integrity, stability, and kindness. Yes, that is a challenge sometimes, but if we want a better tomorrow, then we have to be a better person today.

Alrighty folks, that's my soapbox speech for the night. I hope you have a Happy Friday tomorrow and a great weekend. Take care if you're in the path of that winter weather.

Bye!

The Novelty Effect

1/19/2013

Rick and I were checking the Fandango app this morning and were shocked when we saw some of the reviews for The Hobbit - The Unexpected Journey. We thought it was a great movie; every bit on level with The Lord of the Rings trilogy and a wonderful adaptation and return to that world from a decade ago. It seems, however, that the critics don't agree. So so, they said, it was ok. And one really hit a mark that I feared might happen with this series:

"It lacks the magic of the original LOTR trilogy."

Rick was appalled. I was too, until I read between the lines of that review and saw what they were really saying. It isn't that the movie doesn't deliver. It's that the novelty has worn off. People saw all of this 10+ years ago. It delivers what we know and expect from Peter Jackson's work with this franchise. The problem is that it isn't new. The only thing The Hobbit really offers that we didn't see in LOTR is Smaug the Dragon, and he isn't clearly seen in this movie. I think too that I complained about that in my initial reactions to the movie. There's a dragon but we don't see him - that was my one grip about the movie. Hints and signs. No doubt they're waiting to pull out their "bad boy" next time, but for now, we wait and must settle with the set up of what we know preparing to deliver what we don't know.

This is a problem that's faced repeatedly not only in entertainment, but in real life. I call it "the novelty effect." When we discover something new there's an excitement there. We want to learn all we can about it. It captivates and interest us. The problem is that as we come to know this thing, it becomes less new and more routine. It takes more to impress us and capture our interest. It becomes routine and the "wow" factor is gone. It's not that we don't like it anymore - we still do like and appreciate it's uniqueness and what first captured us, but that captivation melts away and the bar is set ever higher. It takes more to impress us. We need something new, something surprising and exciting, to pique our interest again.

It happens in all areas of life. The job that challenged and inspired us becomes mundane drudgery after a few years. Maybe you feel you aren't learning and growing as much as you did in those first years and you're probably right - after all, once you master it, then all that's left is to find new and better ways to do the same old things. That hobby that you loved just doesn't interest you as much as it once did. You loved it before, but again, you feel stuck in a rut. You're skill level plateaued, and you aren't really excelling as much as you thought. Or if it's not competitive and it's something you do on yoru own, you, find yourself gravitating toward the same old things over and over again, and you don't know how to break free and find that spark that first drew you in. You aren't as excited about it.

In short, you get bored. It becomes a rut and you feel stuck. As we say about television, there's 200 channels and nothing all. We've seen it all. We want something new and exciting.

I believe "the novelty effect" is one thing that makes finding balance in life difficult. It's why we always need to be mindful of ourselves and the world around us, and on the lookout to inject new life in old things. It's why we need to learn to find contentment in what we have and stop to appreciate the small pleasures that things bring day to day, and not get addicted to the excitement of adrenaline rushes that are so rare. It's why we need to make sure our thinking isn't falling into a rut with our doing, and to realize how even small changes can perk us up and keep us alert to the minor variations in day to day life. Because life isn't about living from one high to the next. It's about living in the humdrum of every day and learning to appreciate and love the small blessings that make up those days, all the time. It is, after all, the small things that make up the big things. We have to work our way up to them and learn to appreciate what it takes to get us to that level.

It can be hard to simply get up and do what you're supposed to do every day. We so easily fall in those ruts. I think the secret is to challenge ourselves by shaking up the routine. It's why I revolve hobbies. I recently decided to pursue writing short stories again once I finish writing Move and Feathered Frenzy. I realized I have worked exclusively on novels for over three years, and I feel I need to expand my writing skills by delving into something I haven't done in a while. I also started cross stitching again for the first time in nearly two years because I missed it and thought it would be a good change of pace from my regular routine. These aren't big things, but they're significant enough that I feel a spark of inspiration from the novelty that drew me to these things in the first place. So no, they aren't changing my life, but they are changing my thinking, and I hope that will open my eyes and help me to keep a good perspective on my life as a whole.

As for The Hobbit, I'll have to respectfully disagree with the critics. No, it didn't drop my jaw the way LOTR did. But it was nice to return to that world and to see it again through the eyes of new characters. The different perspective brought it new life - and that's enough for me.

That's all today. Have a great weekend.

Bye!

I Don't Get It

1/18/2013

I interrupt my blog series on balance to ponder on some things that frankly folks, I just don't get. I'll start with something that happened just two and a half hours ago as I was picking up supper at a deli near my home. There's a karate dojo next door to it. I was getting in my car with the sandwiches and saw a group of people walk out in full sweatsuits - and completely barefoot. I'm serious. My car said it was 50 degrees out there and they walked across an asphalt parking lot bundled up and completely barefoot.

What the hell?

Seriously, folks. I thought people wearing flip flops in this weather was nuts. I remember a conversation I had with someone in San Francisco about socks a few months ago. She thought the concept of having four distinct seasons was unique enough, but to meet someone with an entire DRAWER full of socks? She thought I was amazing for even having one pair. Seems they don't have much need for socks in Hawaii. And I remember telling her - well, we do NEED them, but many people choose not to USE them in the winter and wonder why their feet are cold.

Maybe I just don't get it, but there are many things that people seem to do on a regular basis and I'm not sure how they work their logic around it.

Here's another example - when did writing thank you notes go out of style? When Rick and I got married nearly 15 years ago, I missed 1 note - that's it, just 1 - and I heard about it from three people. How rude. How inconsiderate. What the hell happened? Well, what happened was that the person manning the gift table at the wedding reception decided the party looked more interesting than what they were doing, so they decided to join the party before all the gifts were accounted for. So when the one person that forgot to attach a card told them "don't forget to tell them it's from me," well, they forgot. I mentioned this in the late thank you note I wrote. But here's the interesting thing: in the years since then, Rick and I have received thank you notes for about 20% of the gifts we've given. We've actually asked people if they received them on a few occasions and they said yes and grumbled something about being too busy to be held to archaic fashions like writing thank you notes when nobody really cares. Hmm. Well, I checked and etiquette still says you're supposed to write one for unreciprocated gifts - graduations, weddings, or baby showers, for example, where the gifts flow one way, but not for birthdays or common holiday exchanges. I just wonder why I was griped at so much about missing one note on accident when 80% of the people I know skipped the note writing on purpose and don't seem to be getting any static for it. Hmm.

Speaking of etiquette, I thought it was rude to ask how much something costs, but I'm constantly amazed at the people that see our birds (or pictures of them) and outright blurt "wow, how much does a bird like that cost?" Seriously? My answer: more than a dog. And they live longer than a dog too. Geeze, I don't ask how much having kids, a luxery car, or that exquisite vacation you pushed pictures of in my face set you back, do I?

And these movies and TV shows that win awards - who's voting on that? I mean, really? Producers blow millions of dollars to write intriguing scripts and put special effects on the big screen that make your eyes pop out, and they get passed over. Sometimes movies that haven't even opened in our area are raking in awards. Who's seen them? Who cares? Why aren't the movies making millions of dollars from real people like me winning awards?

Music is just as confusing. I saw Taylor Swift on New Year's Eve rambling on about how she's never, ever, ever, ever getting back together with one of her kazillion ex's. I'm not even sure if that was singing - there was no rhythem or range to it, but the crowd was going crazy. Either I'm out of it, or the bar has been set WAAAY low for musical entertainment. Then again, marching bands dance and run around like idiots now too. They wouldn't stand for that in my day. We spent countless hours in the hot sun practicing FUNDAMENTALS. And by golly, you didn't MOVE at attention for WHATEVER reason. Now they jiggle around like they have ants in their pant but that's alright because they got da moves! What on earth happened to learning the basics, fundamentals, and self discipline?

I don't know. I guess I don't think the same way other people do. Perhaps I'm old fashioned. Maybe it's personal preference and it's just a "me" thing. I suppose we all have things that don't make much sense to us. Or maybe I just think too much altogether.

I'm going to try not to think too much more and enjoy my long weekend. I could use some rest. That's all for today. Happy Friday to you.

Bye!

Dealing With Change

1/13/2013

I recently posted an article on EzineArticles titled "Resistance is Futile - But We Do It Anyway." It is, ironically, based on a blog I wrote about a year ago about massive life changes that I went through in 2010 and how I had to learn how to incorporate change in my life because, well, I had no choice. When everything changes, you adjust or you live in misery. It's as simple as that.

And yet, people still believe they can fight change. They figure that if they kick and scream enough, it will stop in it's tracks and their will shall prevail.

If only.

I did learn a lot about dealing with change during that period of time in my life and it's a good thing I did, because change has been a constant force since then. There are no ruts in my life, as things haven't been still long enough to leave much more than footprints where I've been. It's been a constant cycle of adapting, adjusting, learning, and growing. If I was afraid of change before, I can tell you that I've been desensitized to it now. I wouldn't say I've come to the point of embracing change, but I will say that I accept it and have a willing attitude to work through it to find the best ways to incorporate it into my life.

A lot of people fear change, but it's the only way toward progress. We can't move forward if we stay put, and we can't grow unless we stretch out of our comfort zone. It takes a lot of courage to stop fighting and start working it from the perspective of bettering your life and the situations you face. It's also a challenge, because it means that keeping balance in your life is a constant issue. You're always adjusting and trying to find the best way to fit things in your life. So this new thing is here - how does it fit? Does it mean that something has to go? And what if the change meant the removal of something? What do you do with the gap left? How do you fill it? Or do you fill it? Change brings about a lot of questions.

Last February, I sat in Miami International Airport thinking of all the changes I had faced and asked myself "is this where I want my life to go? Is it heading in a direction I'm happy with?" At the time, I had no answer to that question, and it scared me. I was still overwhelmed by it all, and didn't understand where it was leading. Since then, I've come to discover that the reason I didn't have the answer was because I was still trying to figure out what it all meant. And the truth is that sometimes, you may not know and never find out. You simply must play the hand you're dealt to the best of your ability. Stay in the game, even if you aren't sure what the end goal is.

I still don't have the answer to the question of the direction of my life, and the reason finally hit me just a few days ago: I don't have all of my eggs in one basket. Ecclesiastes 11:6 says "plant early in teh morning, and work until evening, because you don't know if this or that will succeed. they might both do well." I've certainly taken that advice. It's not just my job that I have in my life, but my writing as well. I've sowed widely, and I'm still waiting to see what produces a harvest in my life. The work move has worked to better my programs overall, but we're still working through some issues of new requirements and changes that have come from it. And my writing is progressing. It's slower than I'd like, but I am working to build a readership and to establish myself as a "serious" writer that's here to stay. I see growth in both areas, but it's still too early to know which will produce the abundance, or if somehow both will work for a bigger purpose that I can't see yet. So I continue to work at both, to grow and learn, and to have faith that all is working out, no matter how many times the pieces are changed or moved around.

Change is scary, and I admit that when I face something new or different then that moment of panic usually does hit me at some point. I have to remind myself all the time that things have worked out this far, and if I remain faithful and do what's right, there's no reason why there isn't hope for a better tomorrow. That helps me find the courage to stand up and face it. That helps me find the courage walk on in faith. That is the one thing that keepe me going through it all - hope.

And if you have hope, you have all you need.

That's all today. Have a great week.

Bye!

Fantasy Versus Reality

1/11/2013

If you love books then you know that most people view you as being lost in a fantasy world. This stereotype applies to readers just as much as writers. People think we get so lost in those "other worlds" that we aren't in touch with reality.

And they're wrong.

Oh, they're very wrong because I believe they miss a fundamental point: the reason why we retreat into those worlds - whether it's one created by us or one created by others - is because we're VERY in touch with reality. In fact, we're probably in touch with it better than others are, because the very nature of the worlds we "visit" cause us to perceive the world we're "in" with more detail and clairity than most people do.

It is true that there's a thin line between fiction and reality. In fact, I believe most people would be very surprised at how much reality is reflected in fiction. It's masked, of course. The entire purpose, at least in fiction, it to entertain, but it does that by showing us different reflections of what we know. No matter what the genre, that new and different world holds up a mirror to make us see reflections of what we know in new and different ways. Do you relate to the characters? It's because you understand what they face based on situations or experiences you have. Are you intrigued by the plot or theme? It's because it reflects something that interest you in your own life. Do you ponder a course of action? It's because you see something there that you have or do face and are trying to stretch your mind to consider wider possibilities.

So the next time you see a reader or writer, don't be so quick to assume that they're out of touch with reality. In fact, they might be more in sync with reality the little things that so many people take for granted speak to them, and help them to see the "real world" with a wider perspective and a clairity that pierces the surface and gets the core of meaning - a meaning that could change everything, not just in the worlds they visit with writing and reading, but in the very life they live, everyday.

And isn't that what fantasy is about - taking us out of reality, so we can come back and see our own life more clearly? It's something to think about.

That's all today. Happy Friday to you, and I hope you have a great weekend.

Bye!

The Work-Life Balance

1/6/2013

I'd like to open this entry with a disclaimer: I have no objections to working outside the home. In fact, I believe I'd be bored and rather miserable as a stay-at-home. I have always felt that I need to contribute to the world at large, and I invested a great deal into getting a college degree so I could do just that. So to start, I don't mind working. The issue is balancing it with having a life. Because jobs take up an awful lot of your life, and you have to set boundaries with how much of your life you want to give to your work - much like everything else.

I never wanted my job to be the core of my life. There are a lot of people out there that are defined by their work, and I've known all along that I don't want to be one of them. To me, I have a job to serve my life. It's how I channel my knowledge, experience and skills to the world, and in return it financially supports my life. That's it. It's not who I am. It's not my sole purpose in life. It's not the whole of my existence. It's one part of my life, one part of the whole that makes me.

The challenge is keeping it one part of life because work, much like everything else, wants to be the center. The fact that it's our financial foundation is a binding factor that makes work one of the "immovable objects" in our lives, and the trick is how to keep reshaping that object into something that helps rather than hurts. Our personal lives change over time and so do our jobs - even if you work in the same place throughout your career, I can guarentee that the job itself will change as time goes on. Duties come and go, and more is always added. I can attest to this by experience. I've been working in the same job for over thirteen years, but it most certainly IS NOT the job I was hired to do. It bears absolutely no resembelance to what it was the first day I walked in. It's even been reclassified twice to accomodate for the drastic changes over the years. Likewise, my personal life has drastically changed in those years as well. And the ongoing challenge is how to keep work in balance in your life with both are constantly changing forces.

It's tough, and it's something that constantly has to be managed. I've had to make a lot of adjustments in the past three years alone, as my job duties quadrupled at the same time that my in-laws moved to town and my writing started to get published more widely. In fact, I was under a therapist for a year to help me manage all of the changes sweeping through my life. It would have been nice if all of these things could have happened, say, over the space of five years - but it was more like five months. I made it, but I'm not afraid that I'm still on that curve of balancing my changed work situation and my changed life situation. That is, in fact, part of what spurred my resolution to work on the issue of balance. It was realizing that while the major adjustments are done (and have been for a while), some tweaking to the details needs to happen. In fact, tweaking is something that probably needs to be done, well, more frequently than I have.

I think the big thing for me right now is balancing my increased work duties with my writing. I could easily stay glued behind a computer all my waking hours between the job, then coming home to work on writing promotion and working on new projects to keep my writing in motion. While I love my writing, I realized it had elevated itself to "work" in my life, and I always said that when it was more labor than enjoyment, it was time to make some adjustments. I can't and won't work 100% of the time. I want free time with Rick and the birds, with family and friends, with occasional volunteer projects at church, or with hobbies or just being lazy, and I will have it. I need time off, and I believe that getting sick with that virus before the holidays was the wake up call that made me realize I spend too much time working and not enough time taking care of myself: spiritually, mentally, physically, or emotionally. I have a full life and that's fine, but I need to get it in order and make sure there's a place for everything - and especially a space for taking care of myself, which I neglected to an almost dangerous place a few weeks ago. I really downplayed that here and in my social media posts, but the truth is that I was a bigger wreck than I let on, and it downright scared me. I was ill and distressed to the point of being almost non-functional for about 36 hours. Not long, but long enough to get through. It was time to heal more than my body. My mind and soul needed healing too.

Thankfully, I had some time off for the holidays to take stock of how to do this, and the work-life issue was primary amongst my concerns. I can't change my job, but I can look for ways to get better organized and to get things done better and more efficiently. As for my writing, I looked into some publicity options that included writing more articles and short stories, which allows me to continue producing new work that gains publicity for my published books. It's channeling into doing more of what I love, which is creating new work. It takes the "work" out of the writing and puts it back in the place of being "fun." And that's what it's all about: being entertaining and fun for me and my readers.

I think we all get knocked off kilter every now and then, and it seems that the work-life balance is usually where it's most likely to happen. We just have to stop and take stock every now and then to make sure we're keeping work in it's proper place in our life, and not letting it morph or grow into a trap. Because when we feel trapped, that's when it's gotten too far out of balance. I'm happy to report that I do feel much better and I continue to heal from my illness of a few weeks ago. There are still some struggles, but I take it a day at a time and I believe I'm finding a better way to have my life with all the joy and fullness I'm meant to have.

That's all today. Take care. I hope you have a great week.

Bye!

Let it Be (or Mind Your Own Business!)

1/4/2013

As we head into a new year, I ponder my resolution to have better balance in my life on a number of levels. One of those (very important) levels is in the area of stress reduction and reducing worry in my life. I think these are things we all struggle with, and recently I've come to realize there's a great deal that we impose on ourselves, especially when it comes to our relationships.

This realization came after having several people tell me things that other people said and/or did over the past few weeks and asked what I thought of it. I remembered that when I was under a therapist while going through my life changes a few years ago, one of the things she told me was that the secret to finding balance was realizing what was and wasn't my business. "You concern yourself with your responsibilities and what you control and let go of the things in the hands of others," she said. That's certainly true, and in fact remembering this advice upon being asked my opinion on these various situations and issues made me realize that people, in general, bring on a lot of their own stress by worrying about or fretting over things that other people think, say or do - things they have absolutely no control over.

Why do we do this? My first reaction was that it's arrogance. Frankly, we all have a tendency to beleive that everything is all about us - and that's wrong. The truth is that everything people think, say and do is all about THEM. It's a reflection of how they see the world. Even if they say that "others made me do it," the truth is that they made the decision on how to perceive things and on how to proceed. Nobody "makes" anybody do anything. Plus, by nature, people are going to do what's best for them and the ones closest to them. Why should they do something that benefits you 100% and them none at all when you aren't the center of THEIR world?

So there's one reason, but I don't think that's all of it, nor the major portion. In fact, I think if that were the whole reason, then it would mean that people in general are extremely selfish and short sighted, and I don't believe that such a narrow view applies to most people most of the time. Some maybe, but absolutely not all. Maybe not most. And remember, I said there's some truth to this. Maybe it's a small part, but I don't think that's a "once size fits all" explanation for it. Most people learn, grow, and gain a wider perspective on the world and as such, they aren't so shallow.

I believe another reason is that we want everybody to like us. The problem is, I recently read that there was actually some scientific study that at least 10% of people aren't going to like you. Frankly, I was surprised the percentage was that low. I thought it would be closer to 30%, but the latest study I read said 10% so we'll run with that. Why is this? Plain and simple, personality differences. Some types just don't play well together. If you don't believe it, ask any extremely emotional person I've come in contact with and they'll tell you I'm mean and don't give a crap about their feelings. I am, by nature, a person that leans more toward logic and reason in making decisions than emotion. I usually don't get along well with extremely emotional types that "just want peace" and "want everybody happy right now" because I beleive happiness comes from investing the time and hard work to do things right no matter how you feel about it "right now." If you do what's right, then it will work out in the end, and that's a happiness that last; not a vapor of high emotion that wears off when the party is over and the consequences have to be paid. In fact, since I've been working in professional licensing, I'd say my tendency to make decisions based on logic and reason have become a stronger because by nature of my profession, I'm obligated to do what's right no matter how people feel about it. I don't think that's a bad thing (of course), but I've caught some flack about it because I'm female, and by stereotype I'm supposed to be all about feelings. While I'm ok to say "alright, forget the 10% and thank God for and enjoy the other 90%, well, some people get awfully fixated on that 10% and believe that if they work harder then they can get a 100% approval rating. It seems their effort would be better spent nurturing relationships with the other 90% but in fact, sometimes they turn on the ones on their side to gain approval they'll never have, counting on forgiveness from that 90% that might come, but not realizing that it will have a higher price than they bargained for because broken trust is a very hard thing to rebuild. But it happens, all the time. I've experienced it; I've seen it; I've written about it. Hey, I'm a writer. The ugly underside of humanity is a playground of inspiration. Expose it to me at your own risk.

Just kidding - maybe. And a sidenote on the emotion thing: I'm interested to see if the stereotype of "hysterical emotion" in women downplays as more generations of women have careers.Working women don't have time to fret over every little wayward comment, rolled eye, questionable social media post, tear or tirade that comes their way. Or at least, me and my colleagues don't. But we'll see as time tells this particular tale.

So there's that. But not all people are emotional and out for approval ratings that would make politicians jealous, so reason #2 can't apply to everybody. But it does apply to enough that I believe it should be considered.

There is one more reason, and I think it applies to most of us. I believe the reason people get tied up in what others think, say and do is because they don't want to be alone in how they think or feel. They want to know that others agree with them. They want others to have an opinion with them, or to get mad with them, or to be sad with them, or to take up the cause with them because they don't want to be the only freak swimming against the tide. They want to know they're like everybody else and what the other person is doing is wild/selfish/stupid/crazy/nonsense/whatever. They don't want to be alone in their opinion or feelings because they don't want to look in the mirror and ask "is it them, or is it me?" We all want to be right. We all want the world to understand that our opinion is just as important as everybody elses'. We all want respect. Nobody wants to be a nobody. They want people to know that they're here, that they have value, and that they are just as important as the other 7+ billion people in the world.

Here's the thing, though: Going about it by getting tangled up in other peoples' business is a sign of insecurity. If you truly walk in faith and you're confident in yourself as the authentic human being you were created to be, then you don't need to beg or scream for attention. You humbly go about your own business, believing that the life God set before and the purposes you serve speak for themselves.

That's the cure. That's how you break free from this stress. You get busy living your own life and tending to your own businss and have the grace to accept others and the decisions they make without intruding into their lives with your opinions.

Does this mean you ignore others and don't care what they do? Of course not. You should always do your best to help people in need and if there's something you can do to help others on their life path, you certainly should. The key is to use common sense and discernment. Yes, we all have opinions on things, but we don't need to share them all the time. Everything that flies through your head doesn't need to fly out of your mouth. If you aren't asked for your opinion or advice, assume it's not wanted or needed and keep it to yourself. I'd even go so far as to say that you should still use caution in giving advice even if you ARE asked for it. As one of the elves said in The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring, "elves don't give advice because all paths may run ill." Think before you speak. If in doubt, don't. And realize that advice is a take it or leave it thing - and in many cases, people leave it, so be prepared to have your advice or opinion rejected just in case and be prepared to not get offended. And please, for the love of God, if it won't make any difference and you have a thought - don't. Stop right there and go no further. If it's done and/or there's no way it's changing no matter what anybody says and you really need to get it out, set up a private blog or buy a journal to work it out, but don't go off on tirades and complain to everybody in the world about things you can't control involving people close to you. And don't ask or expect people to take sides with you unless you want to do the equivalent of renting a billboard that says I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. It makes you look bad and it makes other people run like hell from you when they see you coming. If it's something so big that you can't live with it, find a way to either deal with it or distance yourself from the situation. Just because a war's going on doesn't mean you have to be a soldier in it. Other people might want you to have their problems, but they can't draft you. You don't have to accept them and if you choose not to accept their problems, well then, it's over.

The point of this mile long blog is that I'm coming to understand that balance is something that we have to strive for in every area of life, and personal relationships are certainly a big element there. We do live in the world, with people, so having good, balanced relationships is an extremely important thing. And one way we can achieve balance in our relationships is by not being a busybody, minding our own business, and having the grace to let it be.

Thanks for hanging in there with me on this one. I hope you had a Happy Friday and that you have a great weekend.

Bye!

<<Previous