It was a good suggestion, because it worked. After years of thinking the sole purpose of that dream was to aggravate me, I realized that there was an important message trying to break through the complex neurons in the old grey matter. 2010 – 2014 were tough years with a lot of transitions and struggles, and this dream was a sign that the power to have a better life was within me if I chose to let go of my frustration and embrace the benefits I could reap from these transitions. In short, I needed to check myself and get a better attitude about life. There were no epitaphs because things that died had nothing to tell me. It was time to get out of the old and move on to how the new could be a better life. Three things inspired me to take control and find the celebration beyond the old life dying around me: reading The Secret, a high protein diet, and doing Focus T25. My life had changed, and I needed to change myself to unlock the potential and full power of this new life. The old life had passed away, and the old me needed to go with it. It was time to get in shape, and embrace the full power and blessing of my new life.
It worked, but it was a lot of work. I’ve talked about this a lot over the past few years, and am covering the deeper lessons from these years in Joy on the Journey (the sequel to Battleground Earth I’m writing, which I hope to have published in the next year or two). In fact, I didn’t do them simultaneously, because that would have been too much at once and would have failed. I started the positive thinking in 2014, and the diet/exercise program in 2015. It was a lot of work with plenty of frustrations, failures, and “start over’s” before it caught hold in my life. But it worked, and last year my doctor said I was in the best shape she’d ever seen me in. And so, it seemed that things were on the right track and I found my carnival.
I had the dream again a couple of nights ago. It was the first time it revisited me in nearly three years, and I was pissed.
But there was a reason for it, and it was for my own good. There’s something I haven’t told you: this year’s physical wasn’t as optimistic as last years. On top of having an infection, I’ve gained back about half of the weight I lost. My doctor said my thyroid is borderline low and wants to test me again in 6 months, and that adding strength training could have also contributed to the weight gain. I didn’t accept either of those because I knew the truth and admitted it to her: I’ve been backsliding. Life has been busier and more stressful, so I haven’t been as mindful of how I eat, or as diligent about the exercise. In fact, finding excuses to skip the workouts was starting to develop into a disturbing new hobby for me. And as I felt worse physically, my mindset also dropped. That dream was a loud and clear wake up call, and that call is captured in the last thing I remember saying in the dream before I woke up: “I don’t belong here.”
No, I don’t. A lot of people have tried to comfort me over the past couple of weeks, reminding me that we all fail at times, and that returning to better habits will get me back in balance quickly. True perhaps, but excuses don’t produce results. I have to get back on track for my own good. The stakes are just too high. I don’t like the person I was back then, and I don’t ever want to be that person again. I’m too addicted to being healthy and happy. That’s the right way to live, and that’s what I’m working to bring back into my life.
It disturbs me that I lapsed, but the good news is finding the determination and self discipline to get back on track. Getting back to positive thinking, diet and exercise have already helped me to feel better over the past couple of weeks, which in turn has helped me deal with the stress. It all really is a symbiotic circle. I think falling off my routine led me to feeling and dealing with stress in bad way. What’s better is that getting back to it really hasn’t been that hard, because I’m motivated. I know the routine now, so there aren’t the growing pains of establishing a new routine. It’s simply getting back to what’s good for me to replace what was bad for me.
I truly am sorry and have spent a lot of time repenting and reflecting on it. It's not just the physical results, but how I relate to others as well. I know I've been grumpy and disagreeable, and my temper has gotten the best of me especially over the past month. Externalizing my failures on others isn't spreading joy or reaping better things, and I'm sorry for that. I'm trying to get back to a more responsible, "sunnier self" and would like for that to be my more permanent disposition than the grouch I've been lately. I let the "old self" win, and thankfully I'm putting it in it's place now, which is outta here! I haven’t checked the scales again yet, because I know those numbers drop slowly, and I’m afraid that I’ll get discouraged if they haven’t moved much (or at all). I feel better generally and my clothes are feeling closer to the normal I’m used to, which is reward enough for me now. But I do want to give this a couple of more weeks before I do a weigh in again, when I know I’m mentally strong enough to handle whatever it says, and to not give up. The infection is gone, but my discouragement over this failure is still healing in my mind. Let me firmly establish the habits again so I can stand up to the measurable results. As for the thyroid, it’s always been on the low side of “normal.” We’ll see if I need medication or if it rebounds again this fall.
It’s embarrassing, but I feel it’s important to share this with you so you understand that failure is no excuse to quit trying. We all fail. We’re imperfect human beings. What matters is learning from failure and correcting your actions to find better days ahead. Because who wants to hang out in the graveyard with dead things, when there’s life in abundance within your reach?
That’s all today. Take care. Have a Happy Friday tomorrow and a wonderful weekend.