Okay folks, I want to open this by saying that this is not a “shame on you” entry. I know I’m going up against things that have existed since the dawn of time, and I don’t pretend that this entry will open eyes and magically change the world. I’m merely trying to raise awareness of unrecognized perils to something that we all do, and hope it will lead to some wisdom in actions. Likely not, but you can’t plead ignorance after reading this entry. 

I’ll cut to the chase. We all play favorites. It’s not a “thing” limited to certain places or relationships. We do it all the time and we do it everywhere. It happens in families (you know it does). It happens at work. It happens at church. It happens in clubs, societies, sororities, classrooms, emergency rooms, waiting rooms – hell, I’ve even seen it happen at the county dump when the cute blonde in the sporty car was waved ahead of me to empty trash. Call it “favoritism.” Call it “the good old boy system.” Call it “cliques” or “popularity contests.” Call it whatever you want. It happens.

I know everybody reading this is shouting and saying “oh hell no.” Oh hell yes. Let’s drop the pretense and b.s. for just a few minutes. I promise not to go on too long and you can resume the “formalities” momentarily. Besides, I’m trying to help you here. At least in my own, strip-off-the-nonsense-and-call-it-like-it-is way. And remember, I said we’re all guilty. Me too. You too. Everybody too. Even my birds have their “favorite humans.” This could well precede not only time and space, but all of creation. Partiality happens. There’s no stopping it. 

It’s a simple fact that yes, we are predisposed to react more favorably to some people and situations than others. It’s personality – some just go together better than others. It’s also life experience – we relate better to those that have faced similar experiences or have a similar lifestyle. There are complex nature/nurture forces at play that make us more receptive and gracious toward some people than others. Likewise, there are some types we throw up our guard against. I mentioned in the last entry that it miffs me that charisma wins over character so much – that’s because I’ve been the victim of people using charisma to hide serious character flaws several times. Their “God bless us every one” demeanor was hiding a nasty temper bent on utter annihilation. So naturally, I don’t trust “popular” people because I see the red lightsaber just waiting to stab me. 

That being said, it happens. Despite modern science, I doubt we ever unlock the secrets of the human personality. It’s too complex and this is one of those things that you can’t account for. We naturally like some people better than others. And conversely, we naturally dislike those that strike us unfavorably. There’s no cure for it. You can’t fix it and people are going to play favorites. It’s going to happen. Now here’s where we run into the problem:

 Nobody likes being a “not favorite.” Anytime you complement somebody, anytime you recognize somebody, anytime you put someone on a pedestal or offer public praise or thanks, then other people will feel left out and perceive it as a slight. Because no man is an island and no matter how wonderful Mr. or Miss Wonderful is, it’s unlikely they did it on their own. And, sad to say, some people are very good at getting other people to do everything and having the credit funneled directly to their feet. But that’s another entry for another day. Recognition – and especially public recognition – can open a nasty can of worms that you don’t even know until they’re crawling up your leg. At best, the people you failed to recognize will quit on you, and you’re setting your favorite to the test of picking up the load. At worst, they’ll turn on you. And God help you if it’s a former favorite that you’ve changed your mind about and they know stuff. Ouch.

So does that mean public recognition of good service should be banned? Not at all. I’m just saying that if you want the dog to stay in the yard, then you need to throw them a bone. And not just the head of the pack – everyone in the yard needs a bone. So if you’re going to thank people, be sure that you take off what I call the “swell guy” blinders and open your eyes to everybody. Don’t hold one person up unless you have darn strong justification to do it. And going the extra mile to find out what speaks to a person can also help. Some people don’t want public recognition. My colleagues are smart enough to know an occasional “thank you,” showing interest in my writing, and a bar-b-que luncheon once or twice a year will keep me from squawking like a pissed off parakeet. Which is hilarious, because it didn’t take them long to figure that out and my former colleagues never did get it. Some things are a mystery because you choose not to put forth the two seconds to notice, eh?

My point is this – we all play favorites, but it helps to check yourself every now and then. Showing favoritism is generally considered impolite,; and I know we don’t care for etiquette in the 21st century, but this is a formality that perhaps needs to be reinstated. Did you notice in the paragraph above that I was open to what types I’m not partial to, but I didn’t mention what types I am partial to? No way I’m telling that. But at least you know what raises my defenses, so there’s my attempt at leveling the playing field. Now you know a trigger to avoid with me. 

That being said, it might behoove you to quietly put your favorites in your inner circle and exercise discretion in your dealings. Don’t let it show. Throw the non-favorites something every now and then. And for goodness sake, if you do a public acknowledgement and get wind that somebody feels slighted, please take Dale Carnige’s advice to humbly apologize and rectify the situation. Digging in your heels and fighting to justify yourself won’t win friends or influence people.  Just say “sorry, I am grateful for you and will be glad to acknowledge it with an apology for leaving you out,” do it, and let it go. That’s character and will close out the situation much faster that “well I did it because they did la de dah de dah and where were you then?”

And as for the rest of us, give us a bar-b-que luncheon. Yea, that’ll shut us up. For a minute.

That’s all today. You may now resume the formalities of pretending like we modern folks don’t do this crap. 

Bye!

I did it! I completed the final draft of Move last night and sent it to one of my publishers! Now cross your fingers and pray they accept it for publication. I hope they do. I've put a lot into this one. It's my longest novel to date at around 60,600 words. And you all know that I've worked on it, and worked on it, and researched it, and slaved over it. But it's worth it. I feel it's a good story and it's ready for the world - or at least, it will be when I get the right publisher and editor working on it with me.

Another world created. I enjoyed working on this one. In a way, I'm sad that it's done! I loved that world and it's sad to leave it - and the characters that really do seem like familiar friends to me - behind. I pulled from all over, passed along some lessons learned (and reinforced), drew from lots of experiences, and relationships, and people that have come and gone in my life over the years. Indeed, a writer's muse draws from reality and experience. Every time the world cracks open a bit more, it's a ray of inspiration to creating our own new worlds.

Such is the life of a novelist. You bleed it out through your writing. All you learn, all you know, all you do, everything around you, inspires you to create new characters and worlds that mirror reality and reflect what you know to the world in visions that allow them to escape, and yet take your world back to their own.

Yes, I love being a novelist. And even though I plan to take a break from novels for a little while to focus on writing short stories and articles, I know I'll be back. I always am. I hope the ideas never run out.

Naw, that won't happen. Where there's life, there's inspiration. And that's a ray of hope that keeps me going.
 
That's all today. Take care.

Bye!

As we head into a new year, I ponder my resolution to have better balance in my life on a number of levels. One of those (very important) levels is in the area of stress reduction and reducing worry in my life. I think these are things we all struggle with, and recently I've come to realize there's a great deal that we impose on ourselves, especially when it comes to our relationships.

This realization came after having several people tell me things that other people said and/or did over the past few weeks and asked what I thought of it. I remembered that when I was under a therapist while going through my life changes a few years ago, one of the things she told me was that the secret to finding balance was realizing what was and wasn't my business. "You concern yourself with your responsibilities and what you control and let go of the things in the hands of others," she said. That's certainly true, and in fact remembering this advice upon being asked my opinion on these various situations and issues made me realize that people, in general, bring on a lot of their own stress by worrying about or fretting over things that other people think, say or do - things they have absolutely no control over.

Why do we do this? My first reaction was that it's arrogance. Frankly, we all have a tendency to beleive that everything is all about us - and that's wrong. The truth is that everything people think, say and do is all about THEM. It's a reflection of how they see the world. Even if they say that "others made me do it," the truth is that they made the decision on how to perceive things and on how to proceed. Nobody "makes" anybody do anything. Plus, by nature, people are going to do what's best for them and the ones closest to them. Why should they do something that benefits you 100% and them none at all when you aren't the center of THEIR world?

So there's one reason, but I don't think that's all of it, nor the major portion. In fact, I think if that were the whole reason, then it would mean that people in general are extremely selfish and short sighted, and I don't believe that such a narrow view applies to most people most of the time. Some maybe, but absolutely not all. Maybe not most. And remember, I said there's some truth to this. Maybe it's a small part, but I don't think that's a "once size fits all" explanation for it. Most people learn, grow, and gain a wider perspective on the world and as such, they aren't so shallow.

I believe another reason is that we want everybody to like us. The problem is, I recently read that there was actually some scientific study that at least 10% of people aren't going to like you. Frankly, I was surprised the percentage was that low. I thought it would be closer to 30%, but the latest study I read said 10% so we'll run with that. Why is this? Plain and simple, personality differences. Some types just don't play well together. If you don't believe it, ask any extremely emotional person I've come in contact with and they'll tell you I'm mean and don't give a crap about their feelings. I am, by nature, a person that leans more toward logic and reason in making decisions than emotion. I usually don't get along well with extremely emotional types that "just want peace" and "want everybody happy right now" because I beleive happiness comes from investing the time and hard work to do things right no matter how you feel about it "right now." If you do what's right, then it will work out in the end, and that's a happiness that last; not a vapor of high emotion that wears off when the party is over and the consequences have to be paid. In fact, since I've been working in professional licensing, I'd say my tendency to make decisions based on logic and reason have become a stronger  because by nature of my profession, I'm obligated to do what's right no matter how people feel about it. I don't think that's a bad thing (of course), but I've caught some flack about it because I'm female, and by stereotype I'm supposed to be all about feelings. While I'm ok to say "alright, forget the 10% and thank God for and enjoy the other 90%, well, some people get awfully fixated on that 10% and believe that if they work harder then they can get a 100% approval rating. It seems their effort would be better spent nurturing relationships with the other 90% but in fact, sometimes they turn on the ones on their side to gain approval they'll never have, counting on forgiveness from that 90% that might come, but not realizing that it will have a higher price than they bargained for because broken trust is a very hard thing to rebuild. But it happens, all the time. I've experienced it; I've seen it; I've written about it. Hey, I'm a writer. The ugly underside of humanity is a playground of inspiration. Expose it to me at your own risk.

Just kidding - maybe. And a sidenote on the emotion thing: I'm interested to see if the stereotype of "hysterical emotion" in  women downplays as more generations of women have careers.Working women don't have time to fret over every little wayward comment, rolled eye, questionable social media post, tear or tirade that comes their way. Or at least, me and my colleagues don't. But we'll see as time tells this particular tale.

So there's that. But not all people are emotional and out for approval ratings that would make politicians jealous, so reason #2 can't apply to everybody. But it does apply to enough that I believe it should be considered.

There is one more reason, and I think it applies to most of us. I believe the reason people get tied up in what others think, say and do is because they don't want to be alone in how they think or feel. They want to know that others agree with them. They want others to have an opinion with them, or to get mad with them, or to be sad with them, or to take up the cause with them because they don't want to be the only freak swimming against the tide. They want to know they're like everybody else and what the other person is doing is wild/selfish/stupid/crazy/nonsense/whatever. They don't want to be alone in their opinion or feelings because they don't want to look in the mirror and ask "is it them, or is it me?" We all want to be right. We all want the world to understand that our opinion is just as important as everybody elses'. We all want respect. Nobody wants to be a nobody. They want people to know that they're here, that they have value, and that they are just as important as the other 7+ billion people in the world.

Here's the thing, though: Going about it by getting tangled up in other peoples' business is a sign of insecurity. If you truly walk in faith and you're confident in yourself as the authentic human being you were created to be, then you don't need to beg or scream for attention. You humbly go about your own business, believing that the life God set before and the purposes you serve speak for themselves. 

That's the cure. That's how you break free from this stress. You get busy living your own life and tending to your own businss and have the grace to accept others and the decisions they make without intruding into their lives with your opinions.

Does this mean you ignore others and don't care what they do? Of course not. You should always do your best to help people in need and if there's something you can do to help others on their life path, you certainly should. The key is to use common sense and discernment. Yes, we all have opinions on things, but we don't need to share them all the time. Everything that flies through your head doesn't need to fly out of your mouth. If you aren't asked for your opinion or advice, assume it's not wanted or needed and keep it to yourself. I'd even go so far as to say that you should still use caution in giving advice even if you ARE asked for it. As one of the elves said in The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring, "elves don't give advice because all paths may run ill." Think before you speak. If in doubt, don't. And realize that advice is a take it or leave it thing - and in many cases, people leave it, so be prepared to have your advice or opinion rejected just in case and be prepared to not get offended. And please, for the love of God, if it won't make any difference and you have a thought - don't. Stop right there and go no further. If it's done and/or there's no way it's changing no matter what anybody says and you really need to get it out, set up a private blog or buy a journal to work it out, but don't go off on tirades and complain to everybody in the world about things you can't control involving people close to you. And don't ask or expect people to take sides with you unless you want to do the equivalent of renting a billboard that says I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. It makes you look bad and it makes other people run like hell from you when they see you coming. If it's something so big that you can't live with it, find a way to either deal with it or distance yourself from the situation. Just because a war's going on doesn't mean you have to be a soldier in it. Other people might want you to have their problems, but they can't draft you. You don't have to accept them and if you choose not to accept their problems, well then, it's over.

The point of this mile long blog is that I'm coming to understand that balance is something that we have to strive for in every area of life, and personal relationships are certainly a big element there. We do live in the world, with people, so having good, balanced relationships is an extremely important thing. And one way we can achieve balance in our relationships is by not being a busybody, minding our own business, and having the grace to let it be.

Thanks for hanging in there with me on this one. I hope you had a Happy Friday and that you have a great weekend.

Bye!

Is change. Life is always in motion, and if there's one thing we can bet on, it's that nothing stays the same forever.

This is the season where this truth seems to really hit us. It's when the families are gathering around the table and the decorations come out of the attic. All those memory triggers of holidays past reminds us of how things aren't what they used to be - and makes us wonder how much longer they will stay as they are. Memories of times gone by can make this season happier by discovering the richness of what we've developed in life, or sad when we consider what's lost. A lot is a matter of perspective. We all face growth and loss. It can be a tough emotional rollar coaster to deal with the satisfaction of great accomplishments mixed with the grief of those  not here to celebrate with you.

All of this makes the holidays a complex time. Some people are better with dealing with change than others. There are those that adapt, adjust, and roll along, just happy to be where they are. And there are others that have a very hard time dealing with change and fight tooth and nail to keep things the same, even though it's apparant that the "old ways" won't work anymore. Invariably, it seems those types will be mixed within the same friend and/or family group. Oh, the cell phone conversations I overhear this time of the year!

I did a  blog series last year on surviving the holidays and I believe the one key thing I kept coming back to was that if you're doing your best, then be satisfied with it. Other people have two choices: Take it or leave it. People may gripe (naturally), but in the end they usually settle down and decide the holidays will be merrier if they choose the path of acceptance over the path of resistance. In most cases, anyway (that's not to say there aren't some that thrive on conflict, but that is an issue I addressed in my blog series earlier this year on villians - I believe it was around Easter).

I'll add one more lesson I've discovered of late. You can't let other people or situations bother you. They're going to do what they're going to do, and it's a waste of emotional energy to let it fly all over you and go into a tizzy over. Likewise with situations - there are so many things you can't control, and to worry about it is a merry-go-round of defeat. Deal with situations the best way you can and move on. I recently realized that I wasted a great deal of time and emotional energy complaining and fretting over what other people do, and it's a 100% waste. They're gonna do what they're gonna do, and they aren't changing for anybody. So deal with them and the situations that come up in life the best you can, and move on. Worry, fussing, and fretting get you nowhere - it's action that counts. So spend your time thinking, reflecting and acting on what is, plan wisely, and trust that things will work out, or that you will know how to deal if a wrench flies into your plans.

Sometimes making the best of the holidays requires changing the way we think about things, and that can be hard. In fact, I believe that changing the way you think is the hardest thing you can do.But it can be done. I can tell you that from experience. I can also tell you that while it's hard, it's well worth it. Changing your life starts with changing how you think, and this holiday season might be the perfect time to make an early resolution that you aren't going to be consumed with stress, anxiety, grief, anguish, or fear over making it the perfect holiday. In fact, let's make Change #1 right now: Don't try to make it perfect. We live in an imperfect world, and an expectation like that will fail. Make it the best you can and decide you'll be happy with it.

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and that those of you on the road home today have safe travels. Here's hoping you have a good week, and welcome to the 2012 Holiday Season!

Bye!

As the bewitching season draws upon us with the arrival of Halloween next week, I have to ask: have you ever noticed there are some things that freak people out for no good reason? It always catches you by surprise because it’s stuff you think nothing of, yet people act like you’ve unleashed a doomsday weapon on them. For example, I’ve had people freak out on me over:

1.Coughing or sneezing. In the south it’s common for people to have sinus and allergy problems (especially in the spring or fall), but do it more than once and people are asking “OH MY GOD ARE YOU SICK?” and threatening quarantines, Lysol attacks, or snapping “can’t you DO something about that?”  or “don’t you want to go home?” Ok, and who’s going to do the work while I take a sabbatical in the spring and fall while my bad  sinuses are acting up? Yea, that’s what I thought. 

Bottom line: Anybody that’s battled sinus and allergy problems their entire life know the difference between overactive antibodies, viruses and infections. Do your part by washing your hands and taking care of yourself and we’ll do our part to be responsible enough to take care not to spread germs around.

 2.Food allergies. The allergy is merely inconvenient because you have to watch what you eat, but what really makes it difficult is the hysterical reaction you get from others when you disclose it. I’m allergic to pecans, and every year about this time I have to deal with it. One time, a woman actually stopped an entire holiday party with a screaming fit demanding that every item on the buffet had to be checked because “OMG SHE COULD DIE!” after my husband asked if any of the desserts had pecans in them. That was so embarrassing that I decided it might be more helpful for me to carry a tranquilizer dart than an EpiPen to social functions in the future.  

Bottom line: My food allergy is my responsibility to deal with and I deal with it. I’m not trying to get attention or asking people to feel sorry for me when I disclose it – I’m trying to take responsibility for my allergy and prevent problems. I'm the only one that needs to adjust to this problem - not you.

3.Having a CWP (Concealed Weapons Permit). It’s funny, because people having firearms in the south is pretty common. In fact, it’s safer to assume people are armed around these parts. But let me tell you, people that have problems with guns are not shy about letting you know all about it, and why they have the problem. We learned this one day last summer when Rick was asked for ID to joined a preferred member club at a store (that shall remain nameless) and accidentally pulled out his CWP instead of his drivers license. Oh, the drama. The woman started out by screaming “I DON’T WANT THAT! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!” and proceeded into a fit of how she couldn’t believe anybody could be ok with having a gun near them, that she didn’t like that there
was probably one in the store right now and (*gasp*) pointing at me and screeching “MY GOD SHE PROBABLY HAS A GUN IN HER PURSE!!” Hyperventilation started at that point and a co-worker literally had to hold her and “talk her off a ledge” while I pondered whether I should talk to Hawkeye or Oliver Queen/Green Arrow about how to get and deliver a tranqualizer dart in these recurring freakouts I keep witnessing. Thank goodness the store wasn’t crowded.  I wish I were telling a story, but folks, I can’t make this crap up. This really happened. 

Bottom Line: People with a CWP have gone through extensive training to exercise their constitutional right to bear arms and are capable of handling firearms properly and responsibly. And furthermore, you should be glad to have them around. Because they aren’t the ones you need to worry about – it’s the bad guys that got them
on the black market and are using them to commit crimes that you need to worry about. Because CWP holders are doing it legally and are registered. The bad guys - well, who knows?

And by the way, I’m not commenting on whether or not I have a gun in my purse.

4.Being married and not having children. And the longer you’ve been married, the further the jaws drop. People just can’t believe a couple can be married for more than 2 years (or be in their 30’s) and not reproduce. “Are you
kidding? No kids? I mean, where are you at in life?” I’ll tell you where we’re at. It’s at the corner of “all our business” and “none of yours.”

Bottom line: Nobody asked you to justify why you have kids and we aren’t required to justify why we don’t. 

Of course, there are a lot of other misconceptions that go with being a childless couple. Let me tell you, people think some crazy  things about you when you don’t have kids – but this is best dealt with in a separate blog entry.

5. Turbulence. I've only recently begun to fly and one thing I have noticed is that people don't seem to understand that air moves at high altitudes just as much - perhaps even  more - than it does at ground level. And sometimes, it doesn't do nice things either. The good news is that pilots are well trained and know how to handle it. The bad news is that when the Captain says "we're experiencing a little rough air," it seems the passengers around me hear "IT'S COME TO JESUS TIME! REPENT, BE SAVED, AND BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELTS FOR ALL THE GOOD IT WILL DO BECAUSE YOU WILL SURLY DIE." Well, they acted like that's what they heard, anyway. On the way back from San Francisco people were looking around for their life preservers and Dad and I were laughing saying "good grief, it's just AIR!"

Bottom line: Ok, I understand how it can be tough to remain logical when you're bouncing around in a pressurized tube at 30,000 feet like you're in a clothes dryer but please - you expect people to trust that you know how to do your job right? Well, trust the Captain and Co-Captain to do theirs. And besides, I've been in turbulence twice and I'm not dead. Not that I know of, anyway. So as long as you're not trying to fly through the Frankenstorm, don't worry about it.

I have to say, I don't get it. Why do these things freak people out? I don't know. Maybe I missed a memo somewhere, as the saying goes. Or maybe I'm just one of those freaks that doesn't know well enough when I should be spazzing out.

That's all today. I hope you've enjoyed this fun look at the zany things that make me go hmm. Happy Friday tomorrow and I hope you have a great weekend.

Bye!

If you live in the south, then you know that sinus and allergy problems are quite common. In fact, one character in every one of my books always gets a sinus infection - it's just a common health problem we face in the hot, humid south. One thing I've noticed, though, is that lots of people tend to get them at the same time.

Now why, pray tell, is that? Infections are bacterial based, meaning they shouldn't be contageous. And yet, I was diagnosed with one Wednesday and today Rick went to the doctor and was diagnosed with the same thing. Not only that, but 2 of my colleagues have had sinus infections recently as well. 

llness does spread, and it can spread quickly and unexpectedly. All it takes is one person sneezing over the copy machine, or one person going to the movies with the sniffles, or one person touching that door handle and the germs are off. You can also carry those contageons days or sometimes weeks before you have symptoms - a scary fact, considering that I flew to San Francisco and back just 3 weeks ago and my return flights were full (and don't even get me started on the madness and pandemonium on that layover in Salt Lake City!). Not to mention all those people that were at the conference from 37 states. Well, ouch. I might have just set a new record for potentially spreading a contageon! I didn't feel sick 3 weeks ago but if this had a viral base then I could have been carrying it - and look how far.

Oops.

Sneaky germs! It's not fair. I'm the lifeform with the higher brain function and yet, it seems they won this round. That's probably why viruses and bacteria have survived so well and for so long. They're incidious little creatures that have survival down to an art. Hitchhike on higher lifeforms while you multiply and spread, and then strike when the numbers are high enough. No thought. No planning. Just action. Hrmph. Not a bad plan to survive, but still not nice. I mean really, what have we ever done to you? Well, besides kill you with doses of antibiotics that, ironically, have side effects that are almost as bad as what you cause.

Outsmarted by bacteria. Hrmph.

Well folks, if you do happen to get the sinus crud followed by an infection, I am truly sorry. I went through four airports in four days to a well attended conference with absolutely no idea that I could potentially be carrying
something. Truth is, we all do it, though. We just have to not bear grudges, realizing that we're being used by evil symbiotes, and move on. And as I said, antibiotics work well.

I hope you have a great weekend. Take care.

Bye!