I was disappointed recently when I read that Star Wars: The Clone Wars
has been cancelled. It seems that LucasArt thought it was time to move on in other directions. I say it was a heck of a time. Who knew that "The Wrong Jedi" was the final episode? To me, it was a sad ending. Watching Ahsoka walk away from Anakin and the Jedi order after being acquited of a false accusation of murder and sabatoge on the temple - I knew I was watching another chink in Anakin's armor. No wonder he turned to the dark side, I thought. He did everything he could to help Ahsoka and in the end he did find the true murderer/sabateur, but it wasn't enough. Ahsoka felt she had to work it out on her own and she walked away from the only life she knew.
Now before you read on, answer this question without thinking about it: Did Ahsoka do the right thing by leaving the Jedi order?
Tick tock, tick tock.
Okay, if you said no, then I'd say you've never been through a life experience that forced you to become a new person.
If you said yes, then you know what it's like to have your life turned upside down by something unexpected. You also know those motivational sayings that change is like going from a catepillar to a butterfly are total crap. It's more like Wolverine having the adamantamum grafted to his bones. And when you're torn apart like that, you either heal up and become stronger, or you bleed to death.
It can be tough, because building a better life usually means working with changes that hurt like hell and require you to work harder than you ever thought possible to bring you to the Promised Land. I lived through it three years ago when my job was moved. Moving two licensure programs was more work than any of us bargained for. It took three years of legislative updated and changes and even more work at an administrative level. I dare say, I believe we're just now getting settled into the new changes as we wrap up our latest renewal cycle and implement the last of the changes. Yet as I help in training a new employee that started with us a few weeks ago, it strikes me how much I've changed in as many years. To say that I'm not the same person I was before would be an understatement. I didn't just move my job. I learned that the only way to better days was hard work and change, and I applied it to my personal life. And now one work move, two more adopted birds, and six books later - yea, I'm not the same person. Some think I've lost my fear of change, but the truth is that I traded it for a fear of stagnation. I realize now what a rut I had been in before and how detrimental it was to me. That rut was partly of my own making because I was afraid to stand up and pursue the change I need to. Now, I'm afraid to sit still for too long for fear of stalling out again.
It's funny. Yesterday, someone at my meetings asked me if I liked having the programs there as much as I liked it at the old department. I held back my reaction. I told them yes, it was working out great, and that's true. But I stopped short of saying the rest: that I could never go back to the old place and the old ways. I've changed too much. I've created a different life. I'm not the same person and I don't have any desire to go back to the old places or ways. In fact, all I really miss are a few friends and ham subs in the canteen on Fridays. And I had to laugh at myself. I'm still in contact with the friends and obviously, the subs I can live without. That old life is a memory of what brought me to where I am, but it's not a place I can live at. Not now. Not ever. Nor should I try.
I believe we all go through times when reality throws the Hammer of Thor through our life, and we're stuck with the choice of picking up the pieces and creating a better life, or letting the sharp edges of loss stab us until we bleed to death. But they are times when we have to come to grips with the hard truth that we can't go back, and even if we do it would never be the same. Sometimes we do like Bilbo and Frodo Baggins and try to go back, only to realize we can't have the old life back and leave later. Sometimes we do like Ahsoka and walk away right then and there, realizing as she said, "I have to sort it out on my own." And sometimes, as in my case, there isn't a choice. It simply happens and you have to take it and wither on the vine, or start growing where you've been replanted.
I'm sorry we won't get to see how Ahsoka worked things out. My trial was different from hers, but I really wanted to see how she worked things out. But then again, maybe they left it open because it remains a story in progress. As I train a new colleague and face the reality of having a new supervisor this summer, I realize that I am a new creation. Now the task is how to make that new creation better, one day at a time.
That's all for today. Take care and have a great rest of the week.
As we head into a new year, I ponder my resolution to have better balance in my life on a number of levels. One of those (very important) levels is in the area of stress reduction and reducing worry in my life. I think these are things we all struggle with, and recently I've come to realize there's a great deal that we impose on ourselves, especially when it comes to our relationships.
This realization came after having several people tell me things that other people said and/or did over the past few weeks and asked what I thought of it. I remembered that when I was under a therapist while going through my life changes a few years ago, one of the things she told me was that the secret to finding balance was realizing what was and wasn't my business. "You concern yourself with your responsibilities and what you control and let go of the things in the hands of others," she said. That's certainly true, and in fact remembering this advice upon being asked my opinion on these various situations and issues made me realize that people, in general, bring on a lot of their own stress by worrying about or fretting over things that other people think, say or do - things they have absolutely no control over.
Why do we do this? My first reaction was that it's arrogance. Frankly, we all have a tendency to beleive that everything is all about us - and that's wrong. The truth is that everything people think, say and do is all about THEM. It's a reflection of how they see the world. Even if they say that "others made me do it," the truth is that they made the decision on how to perceive things and on how to proceed. Nobody "makes" anybody do anything. Plus, by nature, people are going to do what's best for them and the ones closest to them. Why should they do something that benefits you 100% and them none at all when you aren't the center of THEIR world?
So there's one reason, but I don't think that's all of it, nor the major portion. In fact, I think if that were the whole reason, then it would mean that people in general are extremely selfish and short sighted, and I don't believe that such a narrow view applies to most people most of the time. Some maybe, but absolutely not all. Maybe not most. And remember, I said there's some truth to this. Maybe it's a small part, but I don't think that's a "once size fits all" explanation for it. Most people learn, grow, and gain a wider perspective on the world and as such, they aren't so shallow.
I believe another reason is that we want everybody to like us. The problem is, I recently read that there was actually some scientific study that at least 10% of people aren't going to like you. Frankly, I was surprised the percentage was that low. I thought it would be closer to 30%, but the latest study I read said 10% so we'll run with that. Why is this? Plain and simple, personality differences. Some types just don't play well together. If you don't believe it, ask any extremely emotional person I've come in contact with and they'll tell you I'm mean and don't give a crap about their feelings. I am, by nature, a person that leans more toward logic and reason in making decisions than emotion. I usually don't get along well with extremely emotional types that "just want peace" and "want everybody happy right now" because I beleive happiness comes from investing the time and hard work to do things right no matter how you feel about it "right now." If you do what's right, then it will work out in the end, and that's a happiness that last; not a vapor of high emotion that wears off when the party is over and the consequences have to be paid. In fact, since I've been working in professional licensing, I'd say my tendency to make decisions based on logic and reason have become a stronger because by nature of my profession, I'm obligated to do what's right no matter how people feel about it. I don't think that's a bad thing (of course), but I've caught some flack about it because I'm female, and by stereotype I'm supposed to be all about feelings. While I'm ok to say "alright, forget the 10% and thank God for and enjoy the other 90%, well, some people get awfully fixated on that 10% and believe that if they work harder then they can get a 100% approval rating. It seems their effort would be better spent nurturing relationships with the other 90% but in fact, sometimes they turn on the ones on their side to gain approval they'll never have, counting on forgiveness from that 90% that might come, but not realizing that it will have a higher price than they bargained for because broken trust is a very hard thing to rebuild. But it happens, all the time. I've experienced it; I've seen it; I've written about it. Hey, I'm a writer. The ugly underside of humanity is a playground of inspiration. Expose it to me at your own risk.
Just kidding - maybe. And a sidenote on the emotion thing: I'm interested to see if the stereotype of "hysterical emotion" in women downplays as more generations of women have careers.Working women don't have time to fret over every little wayward comment, rolled eye, questionable social media post, tear or tirade that comes their way. Or at least, me and my colleagues don't. But we'll see as time tells this particular tale.
So there's that. But not all people are emotional and out for approval ratings that would make politicians jealous, so reason #2 can't apply to everybody. But it does apply to enough that I believe it should be considered.
There is one more reason, and I think it applies to most of us. I believe the reason people get tied up in what others think, say and do is because they don't want to be alone in how they think or feel. They want to know that others agree with them. They want others to have an opinion with them, or to get mad with them, or to be sad with them, or to take up the cause with them because they don't want to be the only freak swimming against the tide. They want to know they're like everybody else and what the other person is doing is wild/selfish/stupid/crazy/nonsense/whatever. They don't want to be alone in their opinion or feelings because they don't want to look in the mirror and ask "is it them, or is it me?" We all want to be right. We all want the world to understand that our opinion is just as important as everybody elses'. We all want respect. Nobody wants to be a nobody. They want people to know that they're here, that they have value, and that they are just as important as the other 7+ billion people in the world.
Here's the thing, though: Going about it by getting tangled up in other peoples' business is a sign of insecurity. If you truly walk in faith and you're confident in yourself as the authentic human being you were created to be, then you don't need to beg or scream for attention. You humbly go about your own business, believing that the life God set before and the purposes you serve speak for themselves.
That's the cure. That's how you break free from this stress. You get busy living your own life and tending to your own businss and have the grace to accept others and the decisions they make without intruding into their lives with your opinions.
Does this mean you ignore others and don't care what they do? Of course not. You should always do your best to help people in need and if there's something you can do to help others on their life path, you certainly should. The key is to use common sense and discernment. Yes, we all have opinions on things, but we don't need to share them all the time. Everything that flies through your head doesn't need to fly out of your mouth. If you aren't asked for your opinion or advice, assume it's not wanted or needed and keep it to yourself. I'd even go so far as to say that you should still use caution in giving advice even if you ARE asked for it. As one of the elves said in The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring, "elves don't give advice because all paths may run ill." Think before you speak. If in doubt, don't. And realize that advice is a take it or leave it thing - and in many cases, people leave it, so be prepared to have your advice or opinion rejected just in case and be prepared to not get offended. And please, for the love of God, if it won't make any difference and you have a thought - don't. Stop right there and go no further. If it's done and/or there's no way it's changing no matter what anybody says and you really need to get it out, set up a private blog or buy a journal to work it out, but don't go off on tirades and complain to everybody in the world about things you can't control involving people close to you. And don't ask or expect people to take sides with you unless you want to do the equivalent of renting a billboard that says I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. It makes you look bad and it makes other people run like hell from you when they see you coming. If it's something so big that you can't live with it, find a way to either deal with it or distance yourself from the situation. Just because a war's going on doesn't mean you have to be a soldier in it. Other people might want you to have their problems, but they can't draft you. You don't have to accept them and if you choose not to accept their problems, well then, it's over.
The point of this mile long blog is that I'm coming to understand that balance is something that we have to strive for in every area of life, and personal relationships are certainly a big element there. We do live in the world, with people, so having good, balanced relationships is an extremely important thing. And one way we can achieve balance in our relationships is by not being a busybody, minding our own business, and having the grace to let it be.
Thanks for hanging in there with me on this one. I hope you had a Happy Friday and that you have a great weekend.
I’m often asked if the things that happened to Jana Lanning in my recent novel, Anywhere But Here, actually happened to me. For those of you that haven’t read this novel, Jana Lanning, the protagonist, is denied admission to graduate school, finds out her boyfriend is cheating on her, helps her best friend get married and move out of town, and has to settle for a job that she’s overqualified for – and all of this happens within two weeks of getting her undergraduate degree. Then to make things worse, the office where she works starts a merger with another firm and Jana finds herself on the wrong end of office politics that are the final straw in her battle with depression. The thing people seem the most interested in are the office politics. People want to know if the happenings at Dixon Financial are reflective of my job before it was transferred to a new agency a couple of years ago.
In response to that I’d say not entirely, but I can’t deny that some things that happened to me early in my career are reflected in people and events that take place in the book. I know that’s cryptic, but bear in mind two things: The people and events are fictionalized and that was accomplished through a mixture of my personal experiences, experiences I’ve seen and heard of from other people, and instances I’ve read about in books, magazines, news and other media. It came from a vast pool and I’ll admit that I had experience with being on the wrong end of office politics – heck, how could you write about it even from a fictionalized perspective unless you lived it in some way – but it’s also a universal issue that anybody working in an office environment is going to be on one end or the other of. And sorry folks, but there are probably going to be times when you find yourself on the wrong side, at least from the perspective of the majority.
My purpose in both writing Anywhere But Here and this entry isn’t to bash my former workplace. These things happened a decade ago, and I must admit that I said and did things that weren’t wise and didn’t lead to the best resolution in the situations I faced. I certainly learned from those experiences and in retrospect, I’m glad I learned those lessons early in life or I certainlywouldn’t be where I am now. The purpose is to share lessons learned, because this is something that I believe everybody in the workforce faces at some time. It makes you feel isolated and lonely when it happens, but the truth is that you aren’t alone. Lots of people face it but few talk about it because frankly, it’s embarrassing.
I used to think that people playing office politics were selfish jerks that like to hurt people, but experience has shown me that it actually grows from a root of fear. People that play with power are insecure and doubt their own ability, so they create an elaborate game of turning people and things to their advantage. I’ve found that there are 2 good ways to identify a person that is likely to use power to their advantage:
1.They cling tightly to cliques that are made up of people that are higher on the chain of command than they are; and
2.They don’t associate with anybody on the chain of command below them unless it’s absolutely necessary - and those people better give them what they want immediately or it’s insubordination.
It’s the people in category #2 that usually find themselves on the losing end of office politics because any wrong word or deed will be met with fierce retaliation. I won’t say that I never see office politics anymore, but I have found that I find myself in these situations a lot less since I’ve been reclassified to a mid-level position. I’d like to think this is because I’ve proven that my knowledge and abilities are valuable, but it’s more likely that I learned valuable lessons on how to deal with these types from previous experience – and people know it.
So what’s the secret to dealing when you’re the victim of office politics? If you’re right, stand by that. Don’t ever cave in and take the quick and easy way out because that’s a temporary end. If they’d turn on you once, they’ll turn on you again. Caving in only shows that you can be taken advantage of, and they will milk that dry, plus the consequences of doing wrong will follow you a lot longer than standing up for what’s right. They might not like you, but they’ll respect you and at least know not to let you catch them with their hand in the cookie jar again. If you aren’t right, correct yourself immediately and stick to your guns in walking down the right road. And whichever situation you’re in, it’s imperative that you have patience. Truth will show itself in time and it will be end game then. It might take months or even years for things to come around, but they will and you’ll be better off for it. The reward will come in patient endurance, and it will be something that nobody can deny. Sure, there are people that are so stubborn that they’ll refuse to change their mind no matter what happens, but don’t worry about them. Leave them in their ignorance and move on because it’s highly probably that they’ll be gone in time themselves.
I believe Jana Lanning in Anywhere But Here is a good personification of office politics gone wrong, because she’s the one in the weakest position. She didn’t do anything wrong and in fact suffered for doing right, but recent personal losses kept her from taking a stand in the right way and the right timing. The people that create these situations are masters at turning things against you even if you didn’t do anything wrong, and it’s exhausting to constantly defend your own character. Unfortunately, she found this out too late and suffered the consequences of crossing the wrong people simply by being who she was and not deferring to people doing things wrong. She was right and had proof of it, but she didn’t know how to present that truth in a combative work environment. That happens sometimes, and it’s awful. I think the worst offence in the world is to have to suffer for other peoples’ mistakes, and office politics are the ultimate example of that.
I think this is why eople tell me that they find Jana Lanning so likeable. She’s a good person that doesn’t deserve the hard knocks that come her way from people taking advantage of her shy nature, youth, and inexperience. She makes the same mistakes that all of us made in our early adulthood and we understand her confusion at why life is kicking her around. Reality is a hard teacher, and it’s the only one that can do the job once school leaves off. Remember the movie “St. Elmo’s Fire” from the 80’s? That strange, new world opening up is the exact thing that Jana faces, and we understand exactly where she’s coming from. She, like the rest of us, has to learn to find those gems of opportunity in the rubble of defeat to rebuild a new life from shattered dreams. In some ways, we may even relate to her right where we’re at, because life is always teaching us lessons.
So no, I didn’t start out in life exactly like Jana did. I actually did marry my college sweetheart, but I never made it to graduate school because I found other things that I believed were worth more in my life than higher education. I never struggled with depression, but I knew (and still know) many who do battle that demon, and I hope Jana’s struggle helps people with depression understand that this is a battle they can win if they stay in the fight. But yes, I did go through an office merger in my early years in the workforce, and I found myself prey to the power plays, albeit in much different circumstances. All I can say is that wisdom comes from experience, and I gained plenty in those few years.
And lest you think it’s impossible for poor Jana to face so much at one time, I call your bluff. Too much smashing my life to bits was the catalyst for my next novel, Splinter – but that’s one for a future blog entry. I’ll address it closer to the release date in mid 2013. Until then, enjoy Anywhere But Here and my other books - information on them and links to buy are on the other tabs of this website. I hope you find entertainment and inspiration in them.
That’s all today.
There are many secrets to winning in life, and to achieving your dreams but the problem is there's only one perfect combination that leads to the kind of winning that matters. Whether it's striving for your goals, overcoming trials, or just trying to cope with the politics of whatever place or situation you're involved with, there is one strategy that will lead to success better than any other. The problem is, it's something that isn't easy to do, and most people just don't have the internal discipline to pull it off.
That strategy is patience that is mixed with wisdom and hard work.
Despite a world that gives us things with a click here and a beep there, the truth is that reality hasn't caught up with our high tech world. The best achievements, the most lasting rewards, and the ultimate victories don't always go to the strong, or to the clever. They go to those that are willing to wait for the perfect timing - and to work hard and smart in the interim.
Hard work - you can only reap what you sow, and you have to be willing to work hard; perhaps harder than you can even fathom, to lay the groundwork for achieving long term goals.
Wisdom - because stupidity never leads to anything good. Sorry to be so blunt folks, but it's the truth. And you don't have to be Brainiac to act with wisdom. Don't act in emotion and don't react. Think before you act. Count the costs. Evaluate the situation. Act with discernment. Only move when it's wise to do so.
Patience - I think this is the hardest element because everybody wants to rule the world, and they want to rule it now. But the truth is that anybody can force things through quick and easy means and get things "right now." The problem is that they have no foundation and they have to keep playing the same game to keep it up - and eventually somebody comes along that plays the game better and knocks you off your throne. Aw, poor babies. Haven't we learned yet that true, lasting success comes from laying the foundation first and building up from it? Timing is everything and if you don't act in the right timing then you won't have a foundation that will stand when the winds of fate come blowing (and they will).
There are many other things that I believe play into living well - discernment, integrity, honesty, and courage are also important, but these are traits that lead to the benefits of mixing the above three well because they all work together. There's no way you're going to have good discernment, for example, unless you have some wisdom to build it on. And integrity means that you will sometimes stand alone while others look for the easy way out, and you are left to rely on patience to see the benefits of standing your ground while others ran. And if you're lazy none of this will do you a bit of good because you're going absolutely nowhere, my friend.
This doesn't mean you'll win every time. You will lose some battles. Others will rise and lord it over you. There will be times when you are forced to defer to things that are crap and utter nonsense. But it does guarantee that you will win the war. They may mistake you for weak, but they don't need to know everything you know. Let them think you're weak, because you're wise enough to wait for right timing to make your move and set things in the proper order. And in the meantime, you quietly work so you'll have the strength to act when the critical moment finally arrives, and you will act right on time - not too soon, not too late.