Okay folks, I want to open this by saying that this is not a “shame on you” entry. I know I’m going up against things that have existed since the dawn of time, and I don’t pretend that this entry will open eyes and magically change the world. I’m merely trying to raise awareness of unrecognized perils to something that we all do, and hope it will lead to some wisdom in actions. Likely not, but you can’t plead ignorance after reading this entry.
I’ll cut to the chase. We all play favorites. It’s not a “thing” limited to certain places or relationships. We do it all the time and we do it everywhere. It happens in families (you know it does). It happens at work. It happens at church. It happens in clubs, societies, sororities, classrooms, emergency rooms, waiting rooms – hell, I’ve even seen it happen at the county dump when the cute blonde in the sporty car was waved ahead of me to empty trash. Call it “favoritism.” Call it “the good old boy system.” Call it “cliques” or “popularity contests.” Call it whatever you want. It happens.
I know everybody reading this is shouting and saying “oh hell no.” Oh hell yes. Let’s drop the pretense and b.s. for just a few minutes. I promise not to go on too long and you can resume the “formalities” momentarily. Besides, I’m trying to help you here. At least in my own, strip-off-the-nonsense-and-call-it-like-it-is way. And remember, I said we’re all guilty. Me too. You too. Everybody too. Even my birds have their “favorite humans.” This could well precede not only time and space, but all of creation. Partiality happens. There’s no stopping it.
It’s a simple fact that yes, we are predisposed to react more favorably to some people and situations than others. It’s personality – some just go together better than others. It’s also life experience – we relate better to those that have faced similar experiences or have a similar lifestyle. There are complex nature/nurture forces at play that make us more receptive and gracious toward some people than others. Likewise, there are some types we throw up our guard against. I mentioned in the last entry that it miffs me that charisma wins over character so much – that’s because I’ve been the victim of people using charisma to hide serious character flaws several times. Their “God bless us every one” demeanor was hiding a nasty temper bent on utter annihilation. So naturally, I don’t trust “popular” people because I see the red lightsaber just waiting to stab me.
That being said, it happens. Despite modern science, I doubt we ever unlock the secrets of the human personality. It’s too complex and this is one of those things that you can’t account for. We naturally like some people better than others. And conversely, we naturally dislike those that strike us unfavorably. There’s no cure for it. You can’t fix it and people are going to play favorites. It’s going to happen. Now here’s where we run into the problem:
Nobody likes being a “not favorite.” Anytime you complement somebody, anytime you recognize somebody, anytime you put someone on a pedestal or offer public praise or thanks, then other people will feel left out and perceive it as a slight. Because no man is an island and no matter how wonderful Mr. or Miss Wonderful is, it’s unlikely they did it on their own. And, sad to say, some people are very good at getting other people to do everything and having the credit funneled directly to their feet. But that’s another entry for another day. Recognition – and especially public recognition – can open a nasty can of worms that you don’t even know until they’re crawling up your leg. At best, the people you failed to recognize will quit on you, and you’re setting your favorite to the test of picking up the load. At worst, they’ll turn on you. And God help you if it’s a former favorite that you’ve changed your mind about and they know stuff. Ouch.
So does that mean public recognition of good service should be banned? Not at all. I’m just saying that if you want the dog to stay in the yard, then you need to throw them a bone. And not just the head of the pack – everyone in the yard needs a bone. So if you’re going to thank people, be sure that you take off what I call the “swell guy” blinders and open your eyes to everybody. Don’t hold one person up unless you have darn strong justification to do it. And going the extra mile to find out what speaks to a person can also help. Some people don’t want public recognition. My colleagues are smart enough to know an occasional “thank you,” showing interest in my writing, and a bar-b-que luncheon once or twice a year will keep me from squawking like a pissed off parakeet. Which is hilarious, because it didn’t take them long to figure that out and my former colleagues never did get it. Some things are a mystery because you choose not to put forth the two seconds to notice, eh?
My point is this – we all play favorites, but it helps to check yourself every now and then. Showing favoritism is generally considered impolite,; and I know we don’t care for etiquette in the 21st century, but this is a formality that perhaps needs to be reinstated. Did you notice in the paragraph above that I was open to what types I’m not partial to, but I didn’t mention what types I am partial to? No way I’m telling that. But at least you know what raises my defenses, so there’s my attempt at leveling the playing field. Now you know a trigger to avoid with me.
That being said, it might behoove you to quietly put your favorites in your inner circle and exercise discretion in your dealings. Don’t let it show. Throw the non-favorites something every now and then. And for goodness sake, if you do a public acknowledgement and get wind that somebody feels slighted, please take Dale Carnige’s advice to humbly apologize and rectify the situation. Digging in your heels and fighting to justify yourself won’t win friends or influence people. Just say “sorry, I am grateful for you and will be glad to acknowledge it with an apology for leaving you out,” do it, and let it go. That’s character and will close out the situation much faster that “well I did it because they did la de dah de dah and where were you then?”
And as for the rest of us, give us a bar-b-que luncheon. Yea, that’ll shut us up. For a minute.
That’s all today. You may now resume the formalities of pretending like we modern folks don’t do this crap.
Bye!
It’s been one of those weeks where it seems like every question is a hard one, and unfortunately I’ve been designated as the “go to” person for those thorny questions that just don’t have a clear answer. I’m not sure how I got this honor. People say I’m smart, but I think it might have more to do with the fact that I’m not afraid to make up an answer if “I don’t know” won’t do. And of course, it often won’t. Hence, my inventive instincts kick in and alas, the unanswerable continues to come to me for an answer. I don’t know why others aren’t comfortable taking what they know and extrapolating an answer. Maybe it’s my personality. Or maybe it’s because I’m not afraid to do it.
Still, despite my creative instincts, there are still some things that I just don’t get. Don’t call me a “know it all” yet people, because I don’t understand:
1. Why charisma wins popularity but integrity isolates. I know people swarming with friends that don’t do anything for anybody but the almighty “I” and others that give and give, and people tell them it’s never good enough. Real story: I can tell you of instances when I took off work to go to funerals or to visit people when they were sick. “Thanks!” they said, but once they recovered I was relegated back to my place on the Christmas card list while they ran right back to their buddies that were too busy and couldn’t be bothered with “using their leave like that” or dropping a card in the mail. Why was my time out not good enough but their casual “oh, sorry for your loss” when you went back to work okay?
2. Why is it fine for some people to “be like that” but others need to get their act together. This harkens to my last entry about how it seems people like some people and their problems more than other people and their problems. An undependable person that you can’t trust to show up when they say they will is thought of as a “swell guy” because he has that charisma and can light up a room with cheerful banter. “Yea he’s not dependable, but that’s just him!” People say. But his shy neighbor that always shows up when he’s needed is “shady” because “I just don’t know if I can trust him. He really needs to be more open and honest with people.” I tell you; it seems that character doesn’t matter anymore. Why doesn't "swell guy" need to clean up his act and keep his word? And better yet, why do people get angry and defensive if you even hint at such a thing? It seems to me like people pick their friends arbitrarily and they won’t get facts get in the way of what they want to believe.
3. What's up with cliques? Why, people? They’re useless. You don’t have to be in one to have friends. I know because I’m not a group or clique person and I get along with people just fine. In fact, if I ask people questions then they usually tell me things because they know I’m not going to gossip or use it to create drama. Which brings me to my next item …
4. Gossip and drama. OMG. Why even bother? I have enough to deal with without having drama stirred up by people being sensitive and/no nosy. As the saying goes, nobody’s got time for that. At least I don’t.
5. Why are we quick to assume the worst of those we know and the best of strangers? Some people do. Here’s a recent conversation I had:
Them: “There was a bag in my yard this morning! Why would my neighbor throw their trash in my yard?”
Me: “You saw them do it? Why didn’t you ask them about it?”
Them: “No! I mean, it was between our houses. Do you think they pushed it on my side?”
Me: “So you’ve counted out that a stranger driving by might have thrown it out of their car and it blew into your yard?”
Them: “Oh. I didn’t think about that.” Pause. “Could that happen?”
Me: “I’ve seen bags blow in my yard a lot and its windy out today. But hey, you know your neighbor. If you think they did it …”
Them: “No! They probably wouldn't ... I mean, it probably blew in my yard.”
Why were they quick to blame the neighbor and count out a stranger being an igit? I don’t know. And yet, this is a small example of what I see often. People are harsh with those they claim to love and will grant eternity’s grace to strangers. It seems to me it should be the other way around: suspect the stranger, assume the best of the inner circles. But who am I to say? It seems human nature is drifting toward assuming the worst in a lot of cases. We see nefarious intentions everywhere.
6. The weatherman can be wrong 50% of the time (or more) and keep a job. Could you keep your job with a record like that?
7. Why does everybody want Friday off? Friday is my easy, catch up day because of staff shortages and slower calls/emails/mail. I want Monday off. That’s the day everybody comes back and it hits the fan.
8. Yield signs. I saw somebody stop at one a week ago for the first time in I can’t remember when. People ignore them. We need to replace them with Stop signs.
9. Wearing a watch on an airplane when you’re crossing time zones. I learned the futility of this when I went to Arizona. I think I was the only one on the plane wearing one. And yet, I was pestered to death. “What time is it in Charlotte? How long have we been in the air? How much longer till we land?” Why ask me these questions? The watch doesn’t control time and its ability to tell it was compromised. Next time, I don’t wear it or hide it in my carry on. Geeze.
10. Why do thermostats even have settings below 70 degrees or over 75 degrees? You know people get uncomfortable at temperatures outside that range. Choices, schmoices. Build HVAC systems for reality, folks!
And finally:
11. Why is everybody wearing yellow today? I’ll wear my new yellow shirt, I thought this morning. Then I got here and saw about 10 people coming in wearing yellow. What’s up with that?
I don’t know. These are some of life’s questions that I can’t even hazard a guess. So I suppose my inventive instincts aren’t that sharp after all. But maybe they do still work to a degree, because the beauty of being a writer is that I can pass the questions I can’t answer on to you, the reader, and let you be the judge. Heh heh heh.
That’s all today. Happy Friday to you. Have a great weekend.
Bye!
I think what I really need is to cut my life back to basics and take stock of what I have and how to best nurture the things most important to me.
Fall is naturally the busiest time of year for me, and coiencidentally it's when people want to "get together" the most too. Football season is usually the excuse for this - "let's get together to watch the game!" And I've been a social butterfly these past couple of months and participated in all sorts of gatherings, visits and get togethers.
But folks, this butterfly needs to retreat to her cocoon. No offence, but the Carolina's bye week didn't come soon enough for me this year. I need to sit out a few. The season is going on, but my "to do" list and my schedule don't get it. There are things I need to tend to around the house and with the technology committee at church. I know I said I was going to take a hiatus from my in-progress writing projects, but I really do want to get back to them with as few distractions as possible, and that means I need to put my nose to the grindstone and get things done now. And if you want me at my best during the busy holiday season, well, I need a break.
I mean no offence, of course. I just need some time to myself every now and then to catch up, rest up, take stock, and move on. I need to recharge my batteries and right now I'm running low. I've come to the conclusion that I must be an anomoly, because this seems to be a need that not many other people have. Other than my family, only Rick and one other person has admitted to needing time to themselves. It seems others actually clamor to fill those empty spaces in their lives to the point where there's no quiet, no hiatus, no opportunities to simply "be" and exist in communion with the Lord and the world. Doing, doing, doing. Well, I admire their energy and their tireless dedication to their social schedule, but I'm not afraid I can't operate like that. My life is very full right now and all the "blessings" keep me quite busy. It can be a challenge to find those moments and days with an empty spot on the calender. And they aren't usually give, so it looks like I'm going to have to take them.
I'm burned out. I need to clear off my plate to I can be true to my priorities and focus on what really matters - not on what the world says should matter.
So I'm starting today. I'm sitting out the USC-Florida game. I know, it's a big one and how could I. It's simple, really. The need for quiet in my soul outweighs "the big game." As I said, I need some time to catch up on some stuff around the house and with church so I'll be free to resume work on Move next month when I end my writing hiatus, and what better time than by focusing on that while the rest of the world (around here) is tuned into the big game. Plus, I still have Feathered Frenzy to finish, and I already have an idea for my next writing project which is a novella I hope to start in 2013. And promotion work on my already published works never ends. So there's lots to do there and I really need to get focused and get back to work on my writing soon, and taking care of the other things on my plate will really help with that.
I know life won't always be like this. I'm quitting volunteer activities in 2013, so I won't have to make decisions based on things like this soon. That was another decision I made this week. I need fewer meetings in my life and the truth is that I need to focus my time away from work on home, family and writing and that doesn't leave time for much else. I wanted to be more involved at church, and I will certainly continue to be a greeter and help with activities as I can, but I can't be bound to a committee anymore. It just doesn't work in my busy life.
As for the rest - well, eventually I'll retire from work, so that won't always be eating up most of my weekdays, but that's far away as I'm not even at the halfway point of my career. Frankly, I do have concerns about being bored if I didn't work, but those aren't concerns I need to ponder now or any time soon. Until then, it's the immovable object in my life and I have to work around it. Those aggrivations and annoyances aren't going to stop and I have to march on and do what must be done because it's my responsibilty and financial support, now and in the future. That's a reality for most people and it's something that should be easy to understand and respect.
Yes, life is busy, and sometimes it won't give you what you need so you have to take it. That's what I'm going to to today. Because if I don't take care of myself and my needs, then I'm not much good to anybody else, now am I?
That's all today. I hope you have a great weekend.
Bye!
 I’m often asked if the things that happened to Jana Lanning in my recent novel, Anywhere But Here, actually happened to me. For those of you that haven’t read this novel, Jana Lanning, the protagonist, is denied admission to graduate school, finds out her boyfriend is cheating on her, helps her best friend get married and move out of town, and has to settle for a job that she’s overqualified for – and all of this happens within two weeks of getting her undergraduate degree. Then to make things worse, the office where she works starts a merger with another firm and Jana finds herself on the wrong end of office politics that are the final straw in her battle with depression. The thing people seem the most interested in are the office politics. People want to know if the happenings at Dixon Financial are reflective of my job before it was transferred to a new agency a couple of years ago.
In response to that I’d say not entirely, but I can’t deny that some things that happened to me early in my career are reflected in people and events that take place in the book. I know that’s cryptic, but bear in mind two things: The people and events are fictionalized and that was accomplished through a mixture of my personal experiences, experiences I’ve seen and heard of from other people, and instances I’ve read about in books, magazines, news and other media. It came from a vast pool and I’ll admit that I had experience with being on the wrong end of office politics – heck, how could you write about it even from a fictionalized perspective unless you lived it in some way – but it’s also a universal issue that anybody working in an office environment is going to be on one end or the other of. And sorry folks, but there are probably going to be times when you find yourself on the wrong side, at least from the perspective of the majority.
My purpose in both writing Anywhere But Here and this entry isn’t to bash my former workplace. These things happened a decade ago, and I must admit that I said and did things that weren’t wise and didn’t lead to the best resolution in the situations I faced. I certainly learned from those experiences and in retrospect, I’m glad I learned those lessons early in life or I certainlywouldn’t be where I am now. The purpose is to share lessons learned, because this is something that I believe everybody in the workforce faces at some time. It makes you feel isolated and lonely when it happens, but the truth is that you aren’t alone. Lots of people face it but few talk about it because frankly, it’s embarrassing.
I used to think that people playing office politics were selfish jerks that like to hurt people, but experience has shown me that it actually grows from a root of fear. People that play with power are insecure and doubt their own ability, so they create an elaborate game of turning people and things to their advantage. I’ve found that there are 2 good ways to identify a person that is likely to use power to their advantage:
1.They cling tightly to cliques that are made up of people that are higher on the chain of command than they are; and
2.They don’t associate with anybody on the chain of command below them unless it’s absolutely necessary - and those people better give them what they want immediately or it’s insubordination.
It’s the people in category #2 that usually find themselves on the losing end of office politics because any wrong word or deed will be met with fierce retaliation. I won’t say that I never see office politics anymore, but I have found that I find myself in these situations a lot less since I’ve been reclassified to a mid-level position. I’d like to think this is because I’ve proven that my knowledge and abilities are valuable, but it’s more likely that I learned valuable lessons on how to deal with these types from previous experience – and people know it.
So what’s the secret to dealing when you’re the victim of office politics? If you’re right, stand by that. Don’t ever cave in and take the quick and easy way out because that’s a temporary end. If they’d turn on you once, they’ll turn on you again. Caving in only shows that you can be taken advantage of, and they will milk that dry, plus the consequences of doing wrong will follow you a lot longer than standing up for what’s right. They might not like you, but they’ll respect you and at least know not to let you catch them with their hand in the cookie jar again. If you aren’t right, correct yourself immediately and stick to your guns in walking down the right road. And whichever situation you’re in, it’s imperative that you have patience. Truth will show itself in time and it will be end game then. It might take months or even years for things to come around, but they will and you’ll be better off for it. The reward will come in patient endurance, and it will be something that nobody can deny. Sure, there are people that are so stubborn that they’ll refuse to change their mind no matter what happens, but don’t worry about them. Leave them in their ignorance and move on because it’s highly probably that they’ll be gone in time themselves.
I believe Jana Lanning in Anywhere But Here is a good personification of office politics gone wrong, because she’s the one in the weakest position. She didn’t do anything wrong and in fact suffered for doing right, but recent personal losses kept her from taking a stand in the right way and the right timing. The people that create these situations are masters at turning things against you even if you didn’t do anything wrong, and it’s exhausting to constantly defend your own character. Unfortunately, she found this out too late and suffered the consequences of crossing the wrong people simply by being who she was and not deferring to people doing things wrong. She was right and had proof of it, but she didn’t know how to present that truth in a combative work environment. That happens sometimes, and it’s awful. I think the worst offence in the world is to have to suffer for other peoples’ mistakes, and office politics are the ultimate example of that.
I think this is why eople tell me that they find Jana Lanning so likeable. She’s a good person that doesn’t deserve the hard knocks that come her way from people taking advantage of her shy nature, youth, and inexperience. She makes the same mistakes that all of us made in our early adulthood and we understand her confusion at why life is kicking her around. Reality is a hard teacher, and it’s the only one that can do the job once school leaves off. Remember the movie “St. Elmo’s Fire” from the 80’s? That strange, new world opening up is the exact thing that Jana faces, and we understand exactly where she’s coming from. She, like the rest of us, has to learn to find those gems of opportunity in the rubble of defeat to rebuild a new life from shattered dreams. In some ways, we may even relate to her right where we’re at, because life is always teaching us lessons.
So no, I didn’t start out in life exactly like Jana did. I actually did marry my college sweetheart, but I never made it to graduate school because I found other things that I believed were worth more in my life than higher education. I never struggled with depression, but I knew (and still know) many who do battle that demon, and I hope Jana’s struggle helps people with depression understand that this is a battle they can win if they stay in the fight. But yes, I did go through an office merger in my early years in the workforce, and I found myself prey to the power plays, albeit in much different circumstances. All I can say is that wisdom comes from experience, and I gained plenty in those few years.
And lest you think it’s impossible for poor Jana to face so much at one time, I call your bluff. Too much smashing my life to bits was the catalyst for my next novel, Splinter – but that’s one for a future blog entry. I’ll address it closer to the release date in mid 2013. Until then, enjoy Anywhere But Here and my other books - information on them and links to buy are on the other tabs of this website. I hope you find entertainment and inspiration in them.
That’s all today.
Bye!
WARNING!! This blog entry contains extreme moderate material. If you are offended by anything, you shouldn't read it.
I dropped my second Facebook friend yesterday. I often have to pare down the follow list on Twitter because of follow limits, but Facebook sets the bar higher, so I'm not there yet with them. That means that if I drop a Facebook friend, something happened - and considering this is only the second time I've done it in 2 years, well, maybe I'm lucky.
Oh, this person wasn't harassing me or anything. In fact, I hated to do it and I don't feel happy about it at all. Seems the problem is that many of this persons friends objected to materials they posted on their wall, and told them so. They got extremely angry, and have posted several acidic posts basically saying that if you don't like it, too bad, this is me. Well, this week it turned downright toxic. And I've been patient, but when I saw the post that said "just drop me if you have a problem with what I say because I probably didn't ask for you to be my friend anyway" I said "fine!" and unfriended. Folks, over the past week I've had to deal with two professionals that died (one was serving on a committee with me), office politics taking a nasty turn, a tense committee meeting with dissenting opinions that wasn't altogether pretty, the garage door breaking, and the usual calls and emails from people that think our laws are stupid and we're too tough with our standards. I simply don't have the time or energy to deal with a parasite that throw fits for everybody to agree with them "or else." After the offline issues at my door, "or else" looked pretty darn good that time.
I try to be patient and tolerant with people. I know everybody isn't going to agree with everything I say, and that's ok. The truth is, I'm a moderate, and we don't tend to be inflamed firestarters that want to set the world ablaze by writing all the wrongs under the sun. Our world isn't black and white and we aren't consistent. My radio is set on BBN and Cold's "13 Ways to Bleed Onstage" has been in my CD player this week. I have absolutely no problem living in the shades of grey that make up the world and I don't feel I need to justify my beliefs or likes to anybody. I don't have all the answers and that's ok too. I, like other moderates, am accused of being a conformist when the truth is that we are the most radical non-conformists under the sun because we are square pegs and we refuse to be pounded into the round holes that make the left and the right comfortable. They can't figure us out, and I think that's why we irritate the hell out of them.
Last week was a great case in point. I got lambasted by some because I said I thought it was really silly to get inflamed over Truitt Cathy's support of traditional marriage when there's so much crime and violence in our society. Let's quit fighting, I said, and focus on coming down harder on people who abuse animals and children.
I was called a hypocrite. "You want to punish those that hurt animals, but you eat meat!" (Thanks to my cousin for pointing out that the Bible says some animals are ok to eat and others aren't).
I was told to quit being a whimp. "You're a Christian and it's high time we took a firm stand on something!"
I was called judgemental. "You're straight!" Ok, duh. I've been married for 14 years. Yea, I like men. I've never had THAT said to me like it's a problem. But also "You're judgemental!"
And best of all - "it's symbolic of standing up for something. You don't get that?"
Oh, I get it. I'm Lutheran. We're all about symbols. Read my books and you'll see how into symbolism I am. But I guess my perspective on this goes to a bigger picture than symbols. For example, last week:
1. A guy that shot and killed a high school classmate was released from prision. He admitted to being involved in her death, but his conviction was downgraded from a death penalty case to time served and he's on the street again; and
2. I heard two awful stories of parrots being killed by people in brutal and horrific ways. Just because they could and the animals couldn't defend themselves.
I'm sorry folks, but I fail to see how buying a chicken sandwich on August 1 saved the institution of marriage, which has been around since the dawn of humanity. I think the 50% plus divorse rate in this country shows a lacadasical attitude that will undermine it much more - and it's surviving that. Plus, the world is going to hell anyway. Are you really surprised? This isn't the only social injustice under the sun. I mean, take a look around.
But according to the right and the left, I don't get it. Whatever. The truth is that I do have fire in me, but I suppose my view of what's important is different. And if that makes me bad, oh well. Call me what you will but the truth is, I have other places to channel my energy. Like my two books in progress right now.
Still, I do believe everybody has a right to their opinion, and I have no problem with people expressing it. In fact, sometimes I do seek those on "the other side" in an attempt to broaden my horizons and to get greater understanding. I find it interesting and I do like to learn. I am a writer, after all, and people do interest me. I love to hear their stories and what they think. But when it becomes "my way or the highway," well, I CAN drive 55 and I will, right on outta there.
In closing, I'll say that Jesus himself said He came for the sinners that need healing, and we ALL need healing in some way, shape or form. Everybody's got problems (as a moderate, I have absolutely no problem admitting that I do). He welcomes us all, and that's a good thing for everybody. I say let's try, at least, to show the love He commanded by having respect for others' opinions - whether we agree with them or not. If the dissention is too sharp, you can do like I did on Facebook and just go away. You don't have to win every battle.
And if you read this entry despite my facious disclaimer above and are offended, here's a video share for you.
That's all today. Happy Friday to you.
Bye!
I got my first “dud” Christmas gift when I was 16 years old. It was one of those “trolls” that were so popular in the early to mid-90’s. I don’t know if any of you remember them – they were small dolls with outfits and wild hair. They were quite the craze at the time, and one of my friends thought I’d like one.
I hated it. But I didn’t want to offend her, so I put on a smile and said “wow, it’s interesting.” Unfortunately, this friend didn’t know me well enough to know that “interesting” from me could me in a good or bad way. I meant the bad way. She thought I meant the good way. And the word spread. Then someone got the bright idea: Let’s help Sherri build up a troll collection.
I wound out with countless of these hideous, ugly figurines. The rumor even made it’s way to my family, who also bestowed me with several to add to my “collection.” I didn’t know what to do, because I understood their intentions were good and didn’t want to offend anybody. So for years, I had a corner of my room devoted to this hideous, ugly monstrosity building up in my life. By the time Rick and I started dating 3 years later, the collection took up an entire shelf on my bookshelf. They represented every holiday or possible event that had taken place in my life.
“That’s an interesting collection,” Rick commented.
“I hate them!” I said, finally cracking. “Somebody thought I liked them and told everybody!”
“Really? Then why do you have them up? That’s only going to encourage people to give you more of them.”
That made me think. I was in college by that time, and had lost touch with many of the old high school friends that gave me those horrible monsters. So I took the collection down. A few friends that visited asked about them later and I told them that I outgrew it and was no longer interested in the collection. Their popularity was waning by that time anyway (thank God), so I didn’t face too many questions over it.
Looking back, that whole three year scenario was avoidable. I could have been honest and told my friends that I appreciated the unique gift, but I didn’t want to make a collection out of them. Or I could have “regifted” it to a friend at another school the next year. I didn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, but honesty really is better in the long run, and I resented those trolls for far longer than any feelings would have been hurt by just saying from the start that I didn’t like the things.
The point of this entry is that you’re going to get a gift that’s a dud every now and then. We celebrate the holidays every year, so it’s inevitable that something is going to be a bust from time to time. The secret is to handle these situations appropriately and as discretely as possible. If it’s a wrong size or style or if it’s something you can’t have because of allergy or health problems, be honest. Remember that people give you gifts because they want you to use them, and they’ll feel bad if you can’t. If it’s something that can be corrected, by all means talk to them and get it exchanged or refunded so the problem can be corrected. If it’s something that you can’t have because of your health, let people know because they don’t want their gifts to make you sick.
And if it’s a “troll” situation like mine, well, you have options. You can give it a try. I thought the slipper socks from my last entry were going to be another “troll,” but I tried them and they because a gem. Sometimes things do work out in unexpected ways. If you don’t want to give it a try, you can ask about exchanging it for something more appropriate, or you can regift it. I warn you, though, to note the name of the giver. Regifting to the person that gave you the present is rude, so be discrete and make sure you give it to somebody different.
Then there are those situations where the person gives you the same thing every year, and by golly they aren’t going to change no matter what. I’ve known a few people that give magazine subscriptions every year and they refuse to give anything else, even though many of their recipients have asked for something different every year. Likewise, I think we’ve all had the one relative that gives you a gift that you absolutely can’t use every year, and they won’t consider a change. These are usually situations where the giver has limited resources, and they probably can’t do much more. You have no choice but to accept these gifts. But take heart. You’ll probably appreciate those handmade towels or sweaters one day for happy memories, even if you wouldn’t dream of wearing them in public. And magazines can be shared, so take those issues to the “giveaway” table at work, or donate them to a local doctor’s or dentist’s office.
Incidentally, I ran across one of those pesky trolls when I took down the Christmas decorations a few weeks ago. I put it on the “giveaway” table at work. And surprisingly, somebody took it. Oh well, better them than me.
December 6 is always a tough day for me because my maternal grandmother died on that date in 1987. I’ve lost many people, but that date stings every year – no doubt because of the holidays that wrap around this month. Losing people is always tough, but losing them during the holiday seems to cut a bit deeper. It’s something you feel more. I usually don’t talk about it much and do my best to be a “big girl” and move on, as is expected.
Until this year. I know it’s been 24 years, but I’m all grown up (middle age now, in fact), I’ve found my voice, and now there’s this great thing called the Internet where I can post things. And now, you’re going to hear ALL about it.
One of the reasons why dealing with death over the holidays is tough is, naturally, because the entire world is celebrating, and you just don’t feel it. A hole has been ripped in your life and, as I said in my last entry, a date in red on the calendar doesn’t hasten the healing of the heart. I believe it was C.S. Lewis that said death is unnatural because people weren’t created to die, and I believe it. Death is such an aberration to our spirit, and that abnormality is especially evident in a season where we celebrate the birth of our Savior and eternal life. Emotions know no season and if they take a smack then nothing is going to expedite the healing process. Here they parallel the body. Don’t believe me? Burn your hand, break a bone, or sprain something today and see if you’re healed by Christmas.
The reason I sound cynical here is because of the other reasons why death is hard to deal with during the holidays. Yes, the whole world is celebrating, and they don’t want to stop –not for you, or for any pesky little problem like (gasp) death. They want to be happy and have fun and by God, you aren’t going to stop them. I thought perhaps it was my still child-like perspective on the world in 1987, but in the 24 years since then I still hold to the opinion that:
1. People don’t cope with death well, especially during the holidays;
2. The dumbest things are said at visitations and funerals; and
3. People can be incredibly selfish, rude, and insensitive in their desire to create “the perfect holiday” (which we have already acknowledged won’t happen).
I thought it was because people kept telling me to “cheer up” and “be glad the holidays are here to help ease the pain.” I thought it was because people kept telling me to “grow up” and“get over it because it was just a grandparent.” I thought it was because people kept saying “you mother has it worse - don’t you owe it to her to get over it and try to make Christmas good for her?” Yes, people really said these things, without exaggeration. But the problem is that I learned it wasn’t just me when Rick’s grandmother died on December 21, 2000. I warned Rick of the incredible stupidity and insensitivity he was about to experience and lo and behold if he didn’t see I was right within 10 minutes when a lady walked up to us with a huge smile plastered on her face and said “What a wonderful time to go to Heaven! She gets to celebrate Jesus’ birthday with him face to face. But oh, your poor father, this must be awful for him. So, what are you doing to celebrate?”
If looks could kill, the one Rick and I gave that lady would have made her the funeral home’s next customer. I noticed she hurried away and we’ve never seen her again.
I wish I could say I’m embellishing these comments, but I’m not. In fact, I’m fighting a rare urge to name names here so the whole world will know who the igits are. But I’m not going to do it because the point of this entry isn’t to debate right and wrong. It’s to acknowledge that people do die during this joyous time of year and to guide you toward the proper way to help somebody that’s suffering a loss during the holidays. And so, I have offered my experiences to give a few tips on how to best console people that are grieving over the holidays.
I’ve already hit on the first one. Emotional healing knows no season, so please don’t try to push people into celebrating if they don’t feel like it. Not for their sake, or the sake of the kids, or the family, or anybody. My mother and Rick’s father tried to put on that “brave face for the family,” and let me tell you – it didn’t work. Grief was the pink elephant in the room and everybody saw it by Christmas. Not only are you headed for disaster by not allowing them time to grieve, but you risk more damage by your selfish demand that the holidays will go on, come hell or high water. So please, back off. If they don’t want to put up a tree this year, go caroling or attend parties, don’t make them. Back off and give them the space they need. If you feel you absolutely must do something, do it in more practical ways that are not holiday related, like offering to bring them a meal, help them clean the house, or take care of the kids one evening. Believe me, they will appreciate you not force feeding them to a world high on Christmas more than any present under the tree.
Second, please use discernment. Everything that flies through your head doesn’t need to fly out of your mouth, and as the non-grieving party you have a higher obligation to put a lasso on your tongue. This is true always, but it’s absolutely essential at visitations and funerals. This is not the time to be witty, wise, or philosophical. There are people trained for that, so leave it to them: You know, the pastors, priests, rabbi’s, therapists, psychologists, and others trained in the religious or mental health fields. I have no doubt that losing a parent is much worse than losing a grandparent, but that’s an inappropriate thing to say to ANYBODY, especially to a 12 year old that’s confused, hurting, and doesn’t know what to do. Logic doesn’t work in highly emotional situations like this, so don’t go there. In fact, when it comes to funerals then the less you say, the better. Just say “I’m sorry for your loss” and let it go. People in these situations don’t want a dissertation on dealing with grief or a lecture on getting over it. They want people to acknowledge how they feel and have respect for it.
Third, don’t take it personally. People are already stressed out this time of year and that tends to work on nerves. Unfortunately, sorrow and anger are part of the grieving process which can strip nerves raw and increase emotional outbursts. I know it’s awkward if somebody burst into tears when a carol comes on in a store, or shouts insults at the mall Santa, but unfortunately seasonal things that seem benign to most can trigger deep grief responses in those dealing with loss. I know from experience that it can be extremely frustrating to watch the world celebrate when a huge hole has just been ripped in your life, and sometimes the strangest things knock holes in those walls of restraint. Don’t make a scene bigger. Simply try to diffuse the situation as smoothly as possible, remove the person from it, and do your best to control your emotions so you can help them control theirs. They’re weak right now, so give them the gift of being strong until they are healed and able to be strong on their own again.
I have a word for those of you that have recently lost loved ones, or that have lost them this year and are facing your first holiday season without them. Please know that you aren’t alone. There’s nothing wrong with you, and you are going through a natural process. Understand that it will get easier, but it can only get easier if you take the time to go through the grieving process in your own timing. So don’t try to be brave or try to sweep it under the rug because it’s the holidays. Some people don’t get it, but that’s not your problem. They will one day because we all lose loved ones and have to deal with that empty seat at the holiday table eventually. The holidays come around every year so believe me, there will be more chances to “do the holidays” later. It’s ok to take a year off if you just can’t face it this year. It doesn’t make you Scrooge. It makes you a human being – and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Finally I’d like to say, for the record, that all the people that said those rude, insensitive things to me in 1987 and to Rick in 2000 deserve a smack. So I’m saying it now, on the INTERNET, to the WHOLE WORLD, on MY WEBSITE right now. Consider this your virtual kick.
Wow, I do believe that’s something like Nana would say.
Hi everybody, Sherri is taking it easy today, so I thought I'd drop by. My name is Kirsten Chalmers, from Blurry, and I'm here to set the record straight. I know there's a lot of talk about "things" between me and Danny. I think a lot of people misunderstand things - completely.
I'm not after Danny for a relationship or to "hook up." Please, just because I'm a cheerleader doesn't mean I'm shallow! Actually, I've been trying to establish a better peace between Danny and Rachel. This "truce" of theirs is barely a truce at all. In fact, it feels more like a silent war. Sure, they agreed not to talk - but do you realize what kind of situation that puts their mutual friends in? It forces us to take sides, and that's just not fair.
I tried to talk to Rachel about this all summer and got nowhere. Then she had her big 18th birthday party over Labor Day weekend. Yea, pretty much most of the senior and junior classes were invited - except Danny. That was SO majorly awkward, especially since those two were glued together all of last year! It was such a shock! When we asked and she said they came up with this "you leave me alone, I leave you alone" kind of "truce," most of us were floored. We just couldn't believe they would cut off each other that completely. Couldn't they at least act friendly? Rachel said no, that Danny shot that down and she was doing what he asked. She said she was willing to try to be friends, or at least civil, but he said no, he had his own friends and would keep to them.
So the day after the party, I saw Danny at the Pizza Parlor and decided to ask him about it myself. He said that yes, this not talking truce was his idea. He said he simply couldn't be friends with Rachel after their messy breakup. I didn't think it was that messy. It seemed like a clean break to me. They were together one day and apart the next - but whatever. He also said something about Rachel not being able to accept who he really was and his other friends, and he couldn't deal with her judging him all the time.
I get it - I really do. Rachel doesn't mean to be judgemental, but her life is black and white. She's such a good girl, and she's really smart - but she's in her own little perfect world sometimes and that can be a hard thing to break through. I know. I've been friends with her my whole life. She just can't handle the shades of grey. Heck, she can't even see them! But this whole thing between her and Danny is making things pretty tough for the rest of us, and that's not fair. It seems that they could budge, at least a little, for us. I spent all summer trying to get Rachel to do that. She claimed she tried and he wouldn't budge.Fine, so I decided to try working on him. I thought that maybe if I could get one of them to back down, then the other might be willing to establish more civil terms. Rachel seemed willing to budge if Danny would - so I'm trying to get him to do his part now.
So no, I'm not "after" him. All I'm trying to do is make our senior year less awkward. Don't we deserve that? These are supposed to be the best days of our lives! I'm just trying help - really!
Marielle, my friend on the cheerleading squad, said to let them both go and do my own thing. She said there's no way this can get any better and in fact, it's probably going to come to the point of a break sometime soon. I know it seems it would be easier to let the whole thing go and do my own thing - but I've been friends with Rachel, Sasha, and the gang my whole life. I can't just walk away from them. I'm not going to abandon all of my friends just because one of them had a messy breakup. Heck, that could happen to any of us! I just have a bad feeling that Marielle has a point, and I'm so afraid it might come to that. I hope it doesn't. I'd hate that. I can't imagine life without Rachel, Sasha, and Natalie in it.
God, why does life have to be so complicated? Why did Danny have to get so entrenched in our lives, then screw things up with Rachel? Why couldn't Rachel give Danny more of a chance to change? Why, why, why?
I don't know, but I'm going to do whatever it takes to make things better - for myself and for all of us.
That's all for today. Take care.
Author's note: We see exactly where this went for Kirsten from the sample Prologue on the front page. What happened? Find out in Blurry!
Hi everybody, Sherri is taking it easy today, so I thought I'd drop by. My name is Kirsten Chalmers, from Blurry, and I'm here to set the record straight. I know there's a lot of talk about "things" between me and Danny. I think a lot of people misunderstand things - completely.
I'm not after Danny for a relationship or to "hook up." Please, just because I'm a cheerleader doesn't mean I'm shallow! Actually, I've been trying to establish a better peace between Danny and Rachel. This "truce" of theirs is barely a truce at all. In fact, it feels more like a silent war. Sure, they agreed not to talk - but do you realize what kind of situation that puts their mutual friends in? It forces us to take sides, and that's just not fair.
I tried to talk to Rachel about this all summer and got nowhere. Then she had her big 18th birthday party over Labor Day weekend. Yea, pretty much most of the senior and junior classes were invited - except Danny. That was SO majorly awkward, especially since those two were glued together all of last year! It was such a shock! When we asked and she said they came up with this "you leave me alone, I leave you alone" kind of "truce," most of us were floored. We just couldn't believe they would cut off each other that completely. Couldn't they at least act friendly? Rachel said no, that Danny shot that down and she was doing what he asked. She said she was willing to try to be friends, or at least civil, but he said no, he had his own friends and would keep to them.
So the day after the party, I saw Danny at the Pizza Parlor and decided to ask him about it myself. He said that yes, this not talking truce was his idea. He said he simply couldn't be friends with Rachel after their messy breakup. I didn't think it was that messy. It seemed like a clean break to me. They were together one day and apart the next - but whatever. He also said something about Rachel not being able to accept who he really was and his other friends, and he couldn't deal with her judging him all the time.
I get it - I really do. Rachel doesn't mean to be judgemental, but her life is black and white. She's such a good girl, and she's really smart - but she's in her own little perfect world sometimes and that can be a hard thing to break through. I know. I've been friends with her my whole life. She just can't handle the shades of grey. Heck, she can't even see them! But this whole thing between her and Danny is making things pretty tough for the rest of us, and that's not fair. It seems that they could budge, at least a little, for us. I spent all summer trying to get Rachel to do that. She claimed she tried and he wouldn't budge.Fine, so I decided to try working on him. I thought that maybe if I could get one of them to back down, then the other might be willing to establish more civil terms. Rachel seemed willing to budge if Danny would - so I'm trying to get him to do his part now.
So no, I'm not "after" him. All I'm trying to do is make our senior year less awkward. Don't we deserve that? These are supposed to be the best days of our lives! I'm just trying help - really!
Marielle, my friend on the cheerleading squad, said to let them both go and do my own thing. She said there's no way this can get any better and in fact, it's probably going to come to the point of a break sometime soon. I know it seems it would be easier to let the whole thing go and do my own thing - but I've been friends with Rachel, Sasha, and the gang my whole life. I can't just walk away from them. I'm not going to abandon all of my friends just because one of them had a messy breakup. Heck, that could happen to any of us! I just have a bad feeling that Marielle has a point, and I'm so afraid it might come to that. I hope it doesn't. I'd hate that. I can't imagine life without Rachel, Sasha, and Natalie in it.
God, why does life have to be so complicated? Why did Danny have to get so entrenched in our lives, then screw things up with Rachel? Why couldn't Rachel give Danny more of a chance to change? Why, why, why?
I don't know, but I'm going to do whatever it takes to make things better - for myself and for all of us.
That's all for today. Take care.
Author's note: We see exactly where this went for Kirsten from the sample Prologue on the front page. What happened? Find out in Blurry!
Hi everybody, Sherri has decided to yield to the call of her recliner, so I'm stepping in to keep her blog from getting hopelessly outdated. My name is Sasha Miles, from Blurry. I'm Rachel Shull's best friend - in fact, I've got to type fast, cause we're fixing to head to the football game. Thank God the weather is cooling off. These band uniforms are brutally hot in August and September!
I've got bigger problems than hot band uniforms, though. The problem? Our friend Kirsten is after Rachel's ex. Oh, Rachel thinks that Kirsten has no romantic interest in Danny and that she's just trying to remain civil for the sake of civility since Danny is hanging around some of those atheletes because of their fast cars - yea right. I have to tell you, Rachel is sweet - and that's her problem. She thinks everybody else is too. She just can't fathom that her best friend might be after her ex. She suspects something's up that isn't above board, but she's just too good to realize it. She thinks that the "guy code" of staying away from your friend's ex's apply to girls too. Well, it doesn't. There's no such thing as a "girl code." The heart wants what the heart wants and will go after it - no matter how many knives you stick in how many backs.
That probably doesn't make a bit of sense, but this will - I saw Kirsten getting pretty cozy with Danny outside the Pizza Parlor after band practice yesterday. Thank God that the band director has an officer's meeting after practice yesterday in preparation for tomorrow's competition, or Rachel would have walked right in the middle of it with me(she's Band Captain). I can't tell you how much luck was at work last night.
Danny and Kirsten played cool, but she called me later and said that yes, she does want to see if this leads to more and wouldn't be disappointed if it did. I talked her into using more discresion while she and Danny "explore their feelings for one another" (oh PLEASE!) and that she would have to be the one to tell Rachel if they did start dating. And I'm going to have to do a hell of a job playing dumb, because I can't get caught in the middle of this. I just can't handle it. There's already been too much drama between Rachel and Danny since they broke up. Yes, they agreed to ignore one another from now on, but people keep talking to try to stir things up and it makes it tough. The whole gang feels like they're in the middle of a silent war. And now Kirsten decides to go off on her own and do the dumbest thing possible. I just don't get it.
Maybe this will fall apart and lead to nothing. Maybe Kirsten will see the same flaws that drove Rachel away from Danny and I'm worrying for nothing. God, I hope so! I mean, what's he thinking? How can this possibly lead to anything good?
That's the problem. I don't think she is thinking.
Well, it's time to head to the statium so I better head out. Thanks for listening to me vent. I hope this is nothing. Man, I hope it is.
Bye!
Author's note: Would Kirsten date Rachel's ex-boyfriend? Find out in Blurry!
|
RSS Feed